The Big East Would Like You To Know That It’s Still Alive, In A Terminally Ill, Hospice Care Sort Of Way

Rob Fox12 years ago

Is there a sadder conference in college sports than the Big East? Those poor bastards. They get new high profile members to replace the old ones (Rutgers, Syracuse, West Virginia, Pitt, Louisville), but they bail (TCU, Boise State, San Diego State). Then, all the Catholic schools want to leave (The Catholic Seven), because they see the Big East’s impending death coming from a mile away, and even they don’t believe in miracles as crazy as a Big East comeback. Seriously, water into wine is more believable than Big East into once again powerful conference.

Meanwhile, Notre Dame, a basketball member that the Big East used to foolishly hope and pray would become a full member when the realignment eventually forced them to, ran off to the ACC to keep the status quo of their half-assed conference membership in tact without having to schedule much tougher football schools, though I’m guessing FSU and Clemson might give Notre Dame a few gratifying curb stomps. So, now the Big East is left with its other “major” additions (SMU, Navy, Houston, Memphis, Tulane, Temple, Central Florida) and a whole lot laughably sad PR/propaganda.

The latest:

Big East commissioner Mike Aresco says the conference is looking to add another school, and may sign a TV deal with multiple networks.

…

Aresco says the Big East wants to keep its name as it rebrands, and wants to add one more school to give it 12 playing both football and basketball after Navy joins the league in 2015.

Yeah I bet all those Big East members and fans are going to be real excited about adding the University of Vermont or whatever other dogshit school is next on Mike Aresco’s desperation list, which I’m sure reads sadder than the Christmas wish list of an impoverished child who’s already given up on his dreams.

“For this Christmas I don’t want any toys. I just want everyone in the family to smile and be happy again and have fun and be nice and for Dad to not have his drinks so much and for mom to not cry. Amen.”

But really, that’s Mike Aresco’s professional life in a nutshell.

Admittedly it would be fun to watch those hemp clad hippies from Vermont roll their VW vans onto the Boulevard, if only to see the looks of pure disgust on the faces of the SMU students.

(*SMU student chugs Franzia, slaps bag*)

(*Vermont student approaches*)

Vermont Student: Hey man you guys chugging some bagged wine? That’s awesome, man.

SMU Student: Go away. Your dreadlocks smell like someone’s growing weed in a landfill.

Vermont Student: Check it out, how about taking a few pulls of my homemade wine from my bota bag. I fermented the wine in my bathtub and made the bag from a deer stomach that I harvested from road kill.

SMU Student: I refuse to acknowledge anything you just said as having actually happened.

Vermont Student: C’mon man, it’s from my own vineyard! The grapes are even fertilized with a combination of my home compost heap and human waste from the school’s meal hall bathrooms. The line at the septic tank was long, but it was worth it.

SMU Student: I’m going to buy your vineyard one day, no matter how large or small, and burn it to the ground. This is a promise.

Vermont Student: That’s pretty harsh, man. Just tryin’ to make wine and chill with you.

SMU Student: What time does the game start? I might actually go into the stadium for once just to avoid you and your filthy hippie friends.

Vermont Student: Game? No, there’s no game, man. We just wanted to show up and hang. We don’t have a football program. It’s too violent…and expensive. Yeah, I don’t think Mike Aresco knew that when he invited us though. Dude kinda sucks at his job.

SMU Student: Fucking Big East. (*Goes back to rooting for hometown college team*)

Here’s a more dramatic, vivid representation of the Big East’s current existence:

He [Aresco] says he believes conference realignment picture may be settling down.

Yeah, it’ll settle down right after UConn and Cincinnati get pillaged.

[via The Huffington Post/AP]