The Coldest Diss Track In Music History Belongs To Robert Earl Keen

Karl Karlson7 years ago

Robert Earl Keen’s “The Road Goes on Forever” is considered by many to be the Texas country legend’s finest work. It’s a tale of two lovers taking on the law and ultimately succumbing to the only two fates that a life on the lam can bring (execution by electrocution or fat stacks, obviously). Released in 1989 on West Textures, the track propelled Keen into the national eye and gave him what every musician needs to make it big: a signature.

Flash forward to 2010 and Nashville darling Toby Keith. Having found success early in his career from a combination of self-hype and national hysteria, Keith was living the high life. His newest album’s titular track, “Bullets in the Gun”, would reach number 12 on the Billboard Hot Country charts. It also sounded suspiciously like the anthem Robert Earl Keen had released 21 years prior. Toby thought he was made in the shade. He had no idea that he had awakened the spirit of Houston within Mr. Keen and that he was about to get R.E.K.O’d.

The coldest track of all time dropped in 2011. Within the space of roughly three minutes, R.E.K. dismantled Toby’s tough guy persona, dismissed his character, and disregarded his high dollar supporters as folks who’d suck him dry.

Peep it.

Keen opens up by trashing T-Bone’s character and calling him a loudmouth. Pretty straightforward stuff, right? R.E.K. even manages to work in some heavy philosophical references to the liar’s paradox and tells Toblerone to Google it. Being called stupid is a pretty trash feeling all things considered, so you can understand why throwing it in a conglomerate of hurtful words is effective.

Upon Googling liar’s paradox, it’s pretty much that if a liar says they’re a liar then they’re telling the truth, and in that case they wouldn’t be a liar. Not sure how that tracks, but it has my head pretty fuzzy and disorienting the enemy is straight out of Sun Tzu. Excellent opening remarks.

There are potshots at Keith’s arrogance, too. They’re likely based on songs like “Wanna Talk About Me” or “I’m An American Soldier” that use the letter “i” more times than Isaac Asimov signing copies of I, Robot at an iPhone unveiling. It’s not the furthest stretch to call someone who does that out for being self-centered.

When you make it seem to stem from that guy, who has sold millions of albums and has beaucoup big faces, needs to create his own little fairy tales through music to feel validated, you’re in kill shot territory. How do you like Robert now? He’s in your psyche, big man.

The hook manages to shit all over the opportunistic timing TK seems to have when it comes to releasing songs and double down on his outfits and his hair. The persona of a hotshot biker/rocker type cowboy is something that Toby had to cultivate for a while, so coming around and calling out his flow and style is flat out mean. Calling him a “jack-in-the-box” who pops up and dances on cue after a tragedy is an opinion a lot of folks had about Keith for a long time, but Keen comes out and says it. That’s a big turd on Toby’s (arguably) most popular song.

Still, the hook doesn’t stop there. R.E.K. knows that the fantasy his target has created for himself has one central theme: Toby Keith – BAMF. Big Daddy Bob is locked on and, in one fell swoop of lyrical savagery, he lets the torpedoes fly.

How in the hell do you think you’ll make it
When the real test comes and you just can’t take it

Followed closely by:

Now you only rant and rave
Piss and moan and misbehave
You lost your grip on the flag you wave
But you wave it right or wrong

What does that translate to in normal person spoken form?

“You’re a puuuussssyyy”

It’s a country music bloodbath the likes of Kris Kristofferson and 50 Cent collaborating to take down Rascal Flatts. The conclusion, wherein R.E.K. tells little Toby that there’s still time to change, is just niceties. The road has ended for one party, and it’s not the old rambler from Houston. It’s the flannel rocking, loud shouting, mullet-head. It’s one thing to attack someone’s loved ones, but it’s another to reduce everything they cultivated to ashes.

That’s not just fucked up; it’s downright Robert Earl Mean..