The Dallas Cowboys Have The Most Pathetically Delusional Fan Base In All Of Sports
10 years ago

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There is not a more delusional fan base in the wide world of sports than that of the Dallas Cowboys.

“Three-and-one, baby! We’re going to the Super Bowl! America’s team!”

Will you idiots ever learn? You’re not just drinking the Kool-Aid, you’re chugging it and feverishly licking spillage off the kitchen tile. Why do you put yourselves through this, year after year? The heartbreak, pain, and constant disappointment is destroying your mental health, self-esteem, and personal life, but you refuse to take a hint.

Oh look, the Cowboys beat a 1-2 New Orleans Saints team that’s notoriously terrible on the road and isn’t even close to having its shit together this season. Big whoop. Keep your pants on, delusional Dallasites.

Sure, you have a semi-dangerous offense when it’s firing on all cylinders, but we all know that won’t happen every game, and your defense is shaky at best. I say “shaky at best” instead of “dog shit” because you held the Saints to 17 points, which is less than the Falcons, Browns, and Vikings managed, but no one has forgotten the historically godawful defense you fielded last season. Most of those losers are still around.

More importantly, your “dangerous offense” is dependent on the health of a quarterback who’s coming off his second major back surgery, and a running back who missed 11 of the first 40 games of his NFL career with ankle, foot, and knee injuries. Tony Romo is one J.J. Watt body slam away from retirement, and DeMarco Murray has never started more than eight consecutive games in a season.

Yet, once again, you’ve somehow convinced yourselves that starting 3-1 validates extremely unrealistic expectations for your shitty team. Pull yourselves together. You’ve beaten the Titans, Rams, and Saints, who have three wins between them. If you were out there knocking off winners, maybe you could start to validate that pathetic smile on your undeserving faces. You’re setting yourself up for tears, Cowboys bandwagon — sweet, sweet tears with which I will happily quench my thirst. The sad tastes so good.

As you may have guessed, I’m a Texans fan, and the Texans are 3-1 as well, but I’ll be the first to tell you they suck balls. Ryan Fitzpatrick is completely out of his mind and is a constant liability, and our two best offensive weapons are aging and injury-prone, so unless J.J. Watt can clone himself enough times to fill every position on both sides of the ball, the Texans are screwed. I’ll be happy if they finish the season at .500, but that’s because I’m not delusional. I’m not a habitual Kool-Aid drinker. I learned my lesson long ago (2012, 2013).

You’re just like the Chiefs last season, and the Texans before them. Nobody is scared of you. Nobody. And when it all comes crashing down, when inevitably the season is lost and you realize it was all for naught, I will be there. I will be there when you’re staring at yourself in the mirror, eyes watering and lips quivering, asking, “Why did I drink the Kool-Aid? Why did I buy in?” I will be there. We will all be there. But you’ll do the same shit again next year, because you’re a Dallas Cowboys fan, and that’s what you do.

So, today, the fan bases of two terrible 3-1 teams will make the commute to Arlington, Texas (where the Cowboys play, which, you’ll note, is not in Dallas) to watch their teams square off in a battle for shit-talking rights that only a truly disturbed person from Houston or Dallas can understand. If the Texans win, Cowboys fans will come crashing back down to Earth, crucify Romo, and grumble about how Jerry Jones should hire a real GM. But if the Cowboys win, there will be a 4-1 team out there that hasn’t beaten anyone that’s even close to good, and a bunch of wildly irrational Cowboys fans will book flights and reserve hotel rooms in Arizona for February 1, 2015.

In closing, one of my good friends from Beaumont, Texas, now lives in Houston and is a die-hard Cowboys fan. Below is a photo of his cat taken last night. I rest my case.

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  2. prex8390

    Can we just go with that every team in Texas, for any sport that is just sucks, Astros, Rangers, Cowboys, Texans, Stars. Nothing good is coming out of this state.

    10 years ago at 6:25 pm
    2. FratAndFree

      If Lehtonen can stay healthy this year then the Stars could make a decent playoff run picked up a high talent centre this offseason.

      10 years ago at 7:48 pm
  3. Senator_frat1925

    This purpose of this article confuses me. Unless you were just wanting to yell “MY TEAM IS 3-1 AND I’M STILL NOT HAPPY, SO YOU SHOULDN’T BE EITHER! WALLOW IN MISERY AND SHAME WITH ME BECAUSE MY FAVORITE TEAM HAS HAD MORE #1 OVERALL PICKS IN 15 YEARS THAN ANY OTHER TEAM AND STILL ONLY HAS ONE PLAYOFF WIN!”

    If that’s the case, then I get it. Step off the ledge man, it’s just football. Enjoy the wins that happen.

    10 years ago at 7:10 pm
  4. Thats what she said

    The Cowboys do have some delusional fake fans and so does every other team in the NFL. The same fans that were bashing the Cowboys after the week 1 loss against the 49ers are the same fans that are back on the Cowboys bandwagon this week. The Cowboys have one of the largest fan bases of any team in the NFL so this works against them due to the amount of bandwagon/fake fans that come with being the most marketed team in sports. These bandwagon delusional fans can be compared to the LA Lakers fans and New York Yankees fans who also have a large bandwagon fanbase. These teams also top of the list when it comes to most valuable sports franchises in the world. Another contributing factor is that just like the Lakers and Yankees the Cowboys are also one of the most winningest teams of all time and usually have high TV ratings.. It’s been a very long time since the Cowboys have won a championship but winning 5 super bowls made the Cowboys bandwagon bigger that is being driven by the most delusional owner/general manager in all of professional sports. Like the author of this article I don’t think the Cowboys are destined for the Super Bowl this year or think they will win more than 8 games. I think the Cowboys will finish 8-8 just like the past 3 years and be mediocre but I hope they prove me wrong. I dislike Jerry Jones and think the problem with the Cowboys starts in the front office where the delusional owner has been at the helm for so many terrible years.
    The city of Houston has almost as many Cowboys fans as they do Texans fans. If you don’t believe me look closely how many Cowboys stars you see next time you’re sitting in Houston traffic on Hwy 45. I’ve noticed the only Texans vs. Cowboys rivalry is not on the field with the players or involve any of the Cowboys fans that live in Dallas. The rivalry between the Texans and Cowboys is between Houstonians who are either Cowboys fans or Texans fans. This has caused many of my friends that are Texans fans from Houston to become Cowboy haters. In Dallas the feeling is not mutual from Cowboys fans towards the Texans. To Dallas fans the Cowboys vs. Texans has not been much of a rivalry at all due to them only playing 3 regular season games since the Texans joined the NFL. When the Oilers left Houston for Tennessee I think a lot of Oiler fans became Cowboys fans. The Cowboy’s are the most popular team among hispanics and I think a good portion of the Cowboys fans in Houston are hispanic. Nothing wrong with having hispanic fans but I think this plays a key role in the amount of Cowboys fans in Houston that has created a rivalry that the Cowboys players didn’t even know they were in. This is the result of the enormous marketing machine that is the Dallas Cowboys that Jerry Jones created. Jerry is a great business man but the worst GM in Cowboys history. Jerry was part of what made the Cowboys great in the 90’s but also responsible for how they have have been mediocre for too long. If it was up to me I would rather be the least favorite team in America and win football games instead of trying to sell the blue star to every human being that walks into a walmart or department store. It truly seems that the selfish delusional Jones is more concerned about making money than making sound football decisions.
    I respect the Houston Texans and especially JJ Watt. He is an amazing player and person on the field and off. I think the NFL needs more role models like Watt that don’t just talk the talk but walk the walk.

    As a Cowboys fan I’m embarrassed to have Jerry Jones as our owner and GM and look forward to the day when he’s no longer calling the shots. Jerry ran 2 of the best Cowboys Coaches of all time out of Valley Ranch and I’m not surprised with the poor results the team has had since. I can only imagine what it would be like if Jimmy was still the coach here if Jerry had not got jealous of the credit he received after winning 2 super bowls. Nobody believes in Jerry except for himself and the employees taking the checks he signs while drinking the blue Cowboys kool aid. Jimmy Johnson will forget more about football than Jerry will ever know about the game..
    It’s time for Jerry the owner to fire Jerry the GM.

    10 years ago at 12:52 am
    3. Senator_frat1925

      The reason why Mr. Bolen (and fans of all 31 other teams) hate the Cowboys is because every time they lose a game the talking heads say exactly what you just said. Every. Single. Time.

      Even as a Cowboys fan I’m tired of hearing “It’s time for Jerry the owner to fire Jerry the gm”. Oh really? You don’t say?

      It ain’t fuckin’ happening. We’re stuck with his ass until he kicks the bucket. Just shut up and start praying the old bastard gets lucky one last time.

      10 years ago at 2:37 pm
  5. OnceAPikeAlwaysAPike

    The Cowboys had to make the largest comeback in team history against the Rams two weeks ago. When a win like that is necessary against one of the shittiest teams in the NFL, I wouldn’t be all that excited about my team’s chances

    10 years ago at 9:15 am
  11. sandiegobubbles

    The real reason the_chilis_guy is blackballed… being a delusional cowboys fan.

    10 years ago at 3:52 pm