The Diary of Todd Storm, Overzealous College Town Police Officer: The Finals Adderall Bust

Rob Fox10 years ago

The wooden door shattered into a kaleidoscope of splinters.

My new partner, Barry, had complained just before that, “You’re using too many explosives” and “Why are we even using explosives? This is a dorm room door. There are innocent people all around.”

“I think we should stand down, Todd,” Barry insisted.

“Stand down? This isn’t a quarterback sexually assaulting a young girl, Barry. There are people using drugs in there. Adderall. THAT’S LIKE METH BUT SAFE AND LEGAL AND USEFUL!”

“I just think…”

“I didn’t ask for your goddamn opinion, Barry!” I shouted at him. “And I didn’t ask for a partner either.”

How could the department assign me a partner? I was a lone wolf. Literally. Within a hundred mile radius of town I was the only wolf. In honor of the ancient Spartan training I had learned about from the film 300, I spent a week living in a forest outside of town, wearing only a diaper, and wielding a spear I ingeniously fashioned out of an old rake handle, and a butcher’s knife I duct taped to an old rake handle.

With my mighty spear and the advantage of not having to take a timeout during battle for poop and pee breaks, I killed every wolf I could find. Even the she-wolves who threw themselves at me after I slaughtered all the sleeping alpha males in their cave in daring single combat. Those shameless whores.

Once I returned to my neighborhood, heart full of vigor, diaper full of human waste that was once wolf meat, I was ambushed by two more wolves. Perhaps they had tracked me, seeking vengeance for their fallen brothers and sisters. Their tongues were out, and their tails wagged eagerly, anticipating the delicious revenge they assumed they were about to enjoy. The wolves were so arrogant they even tried to play with me – toying with their meal, no doubt – before finishing the job.

What they didn’t know is that when a Storm rolls in, it’s best to take cover. Like a lightning strike, I fired my spear directly into the mouth of the first wolf. Then, with the handle still protruding from its mouth, grabbed on, wolf still attached, and beat the second one to a pulp with the body of the first. Lighting and thunder. The Storm had struck.

As I removed my diaper on the front lawn, my Spartan training finally complete, my neighbor Steve came running outside, crying, and screaming something about “Oh my God, my huskies! Rupert and Paris! What have you done to them?” I guess it turned out the wolves were actually dogs. The Captain was pretty steamed about that one, even though I was like, “They totally looked like wolves, so…” and “All dogs technically came from wolves. Probable cause. Boom, justice.” Thankfully, the department was able to chalk it up to leash law enforcement and I was in the clear. Steve still whined his ungrateful mouth off about the fine he had to pay. It’s the LAW, Steve. Sometimes a fair shake don’t feel fair, but it is. You don’t see me complaining that I wasn’t allowed to eat the wolf meat from his dead dogs, even though I won it fair and square. Except here, where I am legitimately complaining about it, because I really wanted to eat more wolf meat.

Either way, you don’t obey the law, you invite the Storm to rain justice.

A justice front was about to roll through the exploding dorm room door as well. Barry ducked and took cover from the wooden shrapnel shooting through the air, but I stood there and took it. Barry was a coward. A real man of justice isn’t afraid of something as trivial as being penetrated by hot exploding wood.

Before the students inside the dorm could even scream (or maybe they were screaming — the explosion was kind of loud, plus I’m pretty desensitized to terrified screams at this point, so I don’t really notice them anymore) I was inside the room. I snatched a large piece of wooden shrapnel out of mid-air and threw it at the hand of the student nearest to the bottle of pills on the dresser. The jagged tip went straight through his hand and pinned it to the corkboard on the wall. The only thing he was going to be flushing down the toilet now was his life.

“You have wood in your hand and it’s stuck to the wall now!” I roared confidently.

It wasn’t my best line, if I’m being honest. I’ll have to make it sound cooler in the police report.

“Everyone on the ground or I will MOLEST YOUR SOUL with my tazer stick!”

I menacingly waved my baton, which I had duct taped my tazer to (after the wolf thing I got super into duct taping weapons together).

“Where’s the drugs!?” I demanded.

“Oh my God!” Barry cried.

I guess this was the first time he’d seen justice in action, up close and personal. Fucking Barry. He started asking, “Is everyone okay?” and “Does anyone need assistance?” You know who needed assistance, Barry!?! It wasn’t the LAW BREAKERS bleeding all over the floor of their own dorm room that I had just literally exploded into. It was Lady Justice, who was being figuratively, but more importantly, viciously raped by these criminals in that very same room.

“I know there’s Adderall in here! WHO’S GOT IT!?!” I asked again.

“I-I-I-I bought some Adderall today sir. I needed it to study for finals. I have a really hard biology exam and if I don’t get at least a B I might lose my scholarship. I want to be a doctor, and do Doctors Without Borders after I graduate. I’m sorry I just really needed to focus sir,” one of the perps sniveled.

What an idiot. Admitting that to me. I was totally bluffing.

“Tough shit you motherfucking baby killer,” I roared as I revved up my tazer baton.

“Storm, they’re not…they’re not baby killers. They’re college kids who might have drugs. Drugs that they’re not even using to get high. I mean, come on.”

“Dammit Barry! They might as well be. And we’re supposed to present a united front! Now grab their extra thumbtacks and threaten to shove them up that kid’s ass until he tells us where he got the drugs!”

It was like Barry didn’t even know how to be a cop.

“WHAT?” Barry asked, horrified.

He started lecturing me about respecting the community or something stupid like that when I noticed the doorframe. One of the explosives hadn’t gone off. It was still live.

“BARRY LOOK OUT!” I screamed.

It was too late. Barry was right next to the last explosive when it went off. The blast knocked me on my ass this time. By the time I got up and got to Barry he was barely conscious, but super pissed.

“Storm…you fucking asshole,” he moaned.

Barry’s face was burned black. I tried to comfort him as best I could.

“The blacker the Barry, the sweeter the Jew,” I whispered softly into his ear.

“Wha…what? What the fuck are you talking about you moron?” Barry groaned, confused and annoyed, his breath labored.

“Aren’t you Jewish? Barry’s a kind of dreidel-y name so I just figured. It was a play on that one saying…”

“Just shut up you psychopath,” Barry pleaded with what was left of his strength.

I got up from Barry and moved back to the perp who admitted to using the drugs.

“My partner’s dyin’ because of you!”

“You were the one who used the explosives!” the kid pleaded.

“Yeah, because you made me, basically. Now tell me where you got the stuff!”

“I-I- from some frat guy. He has a ton. He said he fucked like five girls in the pharmacy program and has as much as he wants.”

“GIVE ME A NAME!”

“His name…his name is Darren.”

“Take me to him.”.