The Dutch Plan to Fund a Proposed Mars Colony By Making it a Reality TV Show
12 years ago

A Dutch company called Mars One has announced plans to put a habitable settlement on Mars by 2023. Unfortunately for the company the endeavor isn’t as simple as drawing up plans and executing them. The journey is a one-way ticket for those who decide to go and no one really wants to pay for it. It’s estimated to cost around $6 billion and Mars really isn’t worth shit at the moment, so the company plans to fund the operation Kardashian style, by having sex with basketball players turning it into a “global media spectacle.”

That’s right, Martian Reality TV. Mars One anticipates the ratings will shit all over Big Brother and they are probably right. Who wants to watch people sit around and do nothing on Earth when they can watch people sit around and do nothing on another planet? Plus there’s the added bonus of watching to see if anyone gets cabin fever and starts stabbing people with a space shiv. It should be noted that when in outer space, everything is referred to by it’s normal name, but preceded with the word “space.” Example: Space Dildo.

Regardless of how you feel about reality TV, you’ve got to admit that it’s a novel idea that might motivate lots of wealthy morons to pay for something really expensive and unpopular. Private enterprise is the future of space exploration and settlement, mainly because no one wants to pay taxes on it. Let’s privatize the solar system and watch as Microsoft and Apple have a Moonraker-esque laser battle over the future of Jupiter’s moon, Europa. Fucking sweet.

The plan is to send rovers that will scout out the stomping grounds and begin the assembly of habitats and life support systems. Once the colony is ready to rock, they will send a group of four astronauts to break it in. Then they’ll send another group every two years after that. The astronauts will be there for the rest of their lives, so hopefully nothing fucks up. It takes about 7 months to get to Mars and that’s a bitch of a wait when the toilet filtration system gets clogged with pubes, I’m sorry, space pubes.

Considering it’s a permanent colony, all female candidates who qualify for the mission must check the “DTF” box on their applications. Not to make it a gay rights issue but you’re not going to see any lesbians on Mars any time soon. Mars will be pound town central.

The first few missions will be real astronauts and colonists, you know, smart motherfuckers, plus Jim Parsons of The Big Bang Theory. He’ll have been put there and forced at gunpoint to portray his character Sheldon for the rest of his life to draw the viewership of America’s morons, who have no interest in watching actual scientists do “science and shit.” But after the novelty wears off and ratings start to drop you can expect a shuttle full of desperate attention whores, STD ridden ACTUAL whores, meatheads, and DJs to show up at the Mars colony.

I’m a big fan of that idea, mainly just to get some of the talentless, spotlight seeking pieces of shit off of this planet. It’s a strange time in cultural evolution when people tune in to mankind’s greatest achievement just to watch “astronauts” in the smush room. As annoying as Snooki is on Earth, I can only imagine she’d be ten times worse on Mars. To keep the Martian drama fresh, it should be like Survivor. Make it so they can vote people off the planet and jettison them into space. That would be one small step for man and one giant relief for mankind.

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    1. Rob Fox

      It’s ironic that they once did an episode called “Simpsons Did It” because at this point South Park has literally covered everything. I could embed a relevant South Park clip on about 95% of the things we post.

      12 years ago at 11:18 am
  4. Porky_Sig

    I’m not one for science, but I’d have to imagine space sloots would be out of this world hot. The absence of gravity means their space boobies would never lose their perkiness. I also read somewhere that since outer-space is a vaccum, there’s no way for sound to travel. You’d never have to listen to space bitches ramble on and on about their space cat. I’m pretty sure Mark from the Klondike Bar commericials would love Mars. As would I, Mark. As would I.

    12 years ago at 10:51 am
    1. Presidente

      You can’t get her pregnant in the missionary position because of the lack of gravity….

      12 years ago at 11:25 am
    2. portorbow

      ^^ This guy would probably bash all the cameras in, and proceed to forcefully pee in the butts of everyone because of the lack of law on Mars.

      12 years ago at 12:13 pm
    3. Nameless123456

      They will be on Mars. Mars does have gravity, though a bit less than earth’s but not a absence of gravity, you know that right?….o…wait…..you are not one for science. Clearly!!!!

      11 years ago at 2:38 pm
    1. Brovis Love III

      there are two things i hate. People who are intolerant of other people’s culture and the Dutch.

      12 years ago at 7:42 pm
  7. Tallapoosa Snu

    I’d watch it, but only if fucked up shit happened. I want some motherfuckin emergency situations with red lights and shit.

    12 years ago at 10:21 am