The Great Marijuana Debate
13 years ago

Many bold questions have been asked over the course of our nation’s history. How many nukes should we drop on Japan? Can we allow pretend entertainment wrestlers to run for office? Do we need to build a wall on the Mexican border? Some of these questions have spawned arguments that resulted in clear and decisive resolutions, while others go unresolved. There is one great question that still remains unsettled, burning strong like the very plant that causes this quarrel. Is smoking weed frat?

The argument normally starts with a generic comment about hippies being smelly, then someone makes an educated comment about the history of marijuana prohibition (fucking stoner), and then someone ends it with a statement about Ron Paul and the legalization of drugs in America. It puzzles me how much time people spend arguing over this topic, and how often the argument takes place. If you are such a proud dope smoker then why the hell are you involved in this feud in the first place? Shouldn’t you be stoned out of your mind watching “Fern Gully” backwards or something? The last thing I want to do when I’m high is argue with strangers on the web, or anyone for that matter. You could walk into my living room and say, “Barack Obama has dramatically improved the fiscal responsibility of our country” and I would say, “Yeah man whatever…move…I’m watching a documentary on sea turtles.” That’s why I don’t smoke often. It makes me not give a fuck about anything but Netflix, which is why I am blown away by how many stoners take to the internet to argue about the acceptability and legalization of their precious leaf toking hobby.

Participants on the other side of this argument are equally confusing, because they are actually wasting their time online arguing that it’s not “cool” to get stoned. You know what’s not cool? Arguing online about what’s cool. Knock it off, losers. You can’t call a fucking plant “frat” or “not frat.” There are people who use weed regularly and are totally normal functioning members of society. There are also complete losers who use weed regularly and don’t move from their couches or have jobs as a result. It’s about personal responsibility, not the plant. Hemp used to be a huge crop that helped support America. George Washington probably used hemp rope to tie down his first slampiece to do whatever-the-fuck was kinky back in 1776. And to be realistic, if we legalized the devil’s lettuce we could tax it into oblivion. This would not only help our country recover from the recession, but also force hippies to shut the fuck up about legalization and pay the government to do their hippy things. All of that sounds pretty fucking good to me. That being said, if you smoke weed all day and don’t contribute to society, then your existence as a power-toking scuddlefuck is definitely not frat (i.e. not cool, you’re a douche). Just like drinking, dipping, snorting lines, or railing bitches, it shouldn’t be a defining part of your personality, or keep you from being a productive human being. Would you tell anyone how much dip you dip, how much coke you snort, or how much booze you drink to sound cooler? If you answered “yes” then you are a probably a clown with very few actual friends. No one thinks you’re a fucking badass because you do things in excess. We all do. Talking about it just makes you a fucking try-hard, so drop the dog and pony show.

Is weed F or NF? I guess the answer is simply “both.” Like dressing in an overly preppy manner can scream “I WANT YOU TO THINK I’M WEALTHY WHEN I’M NOT” or cocaine can be fried up with some baking soda into crack rock, it is possible to make something completely harmless into something totally horrible.