The Guy Who Can’t Close
13 years ago

There are lots of unfortunate people in this world. From North Korean citizens to “occupy movement” protestors, some people are just dealt a shit hand. They were born with their ball in the rough, and either can’t improve their lie or choose not to because they are lazy fucks. This column isn’t about those people. This column is about the guy who can’t close.

I’m not talking about that asshole who always made you close at the bullshit part-time job your parents forced upon you in order to teach you work ethic” in high school. I’m talking about the poor mother fucker that, for one reason or another, can never seal the deal with even the sluttiest of slams. Hear me out. I realize there are a lot of SHIT individuals in college. However, this ill-fated individual I speak of is not the hemp wearing, hacky sack kicking waste of life you might be imagining right now. He is an upstanding gentleman, and I’ll be damned if you further diminish his already cursed circumstances. In all other facets of life he succeeds. He might even be funny, rich, intelligent and attractive, but something always manages to get in the “fucking” way. He might say he had whiskey dick. Maybe it’s crippling social anxiety that no amount of alcohol can cure. It could even be God himself having a laugh by fucking the kid over, but whatever the reason…this kid can’t buy a ticket to Pound Town, and he is one of the more bizarre enigmas that exist in college.

For instance, he and his date could have the time of their young lives at formal in New Orleans, avoid mood-killing puke disasters, navigate Bourbon Street without being mugged by the guys who sell bags of sugar as cocaine, lose the room key but find the spare before the couple they’re splitting the room with gets back, and by some sort of divine intervention this guy would still have a story the next day about how he managed to not get any action. He still wakes up fully clothed, facedown on the floor while his date sleeps comfortably in his bed. This guy can’t throw one down the middle to save his fucking life. Now I’m not going to sit here and pretend I’m the Mariano Rivera of closing, but I will sit here and pretend I’m the Ricky Vaughn of closing. So for the guy who can’t even close on the shitfaced sorority version of Snookie, here’s some fucking advice: STOP THINKING.

What do I mean by stop thinking? If you just asked yourself, you’re already fucking blowing it. Just like a closer who can’t seem to find the strike zone, your lack of splitting legs is getting to your head. You haven’t gotten laid in a while, and it might really have you wondering about what you need to do to break that god awful dry spell. All of that wondering and those pointless conversations you have in your mind where you evaluate whatever-the-fuck a girl might be doing in order to “read” her “cues” are exactly what a woman does in her head when she’s trying to read you. Drop the Cosmo and be a man you jackass.

In all honesty, I don’t have some sort of trick to tell you about making the first move, or reading her eyes, or any other advice like that, because there is none. I don’t remember how exactly I got the last girl in my bed, but she ended up there. Probably because I wasn’t twiddling my thumbs wondering how to get her naked and making a fool of myself in the process. I just let her do all the work. If she wants to have sex with you, your instincts as a red-blooded American male should kick in and take care of the rest. Now quit blowing saves and find a way to close, or stay the hell away from me because your disease is contagious.

  5. ThinkThereforeFRAT

    I got through the first half of the first paragraph and thought “Wow, Bacon is losing his touch.”

    13 years ago at 9:12 pm
    1. Osama is Dead

      Not really sure how to reply to this. I came up with a handful of statements that might have done the trick. Some were clever, some a bit mean, some even had a nice little reference to the ’98 Redskins.

      Really, I’ve got nothing. I guess when it boils down to it, arguing with an idiot is, and justly so, arguing with an idiot.

      So I’ll just cut to the point. I won’t shoot the shit or beat around the bush. I won’t hem and haw or pass the buck.

      Bacon didn’t write this column. TheDapperDipper did.

      I’m going to pass you along to a friendly link that should really help you out: http://www.devstu.org/sipps?gclid=CJri9vTqo60CFcNdTAod-HP_mg

      Just go ahead and read up on that a bit and really soak in that information. I think it will get you where you need to be.

      13 years ago at 9:24 pm
    4. Osama is Dead

      ^
      Bacon didn’t miss the joke and quite frankly, neither did TheDapperDipper. But most importantly (hold on to your dick for this one) neither did I.

      In fact, you could say that I didn’t miss the joke so much as to say that, ney, not missed it, but in fact bent it over backwards and rammed it in the asshole. (Much like your father is doing to your mother right now. Congratulations, you have a baby brother. He NF too?)

      I’d like you to do me a favor. Go grab a tub of butter. Now, I want you to stick your thumb in it and get you a big scoop out. Don’t be conservative with it, really get that shit coated. Now, shove that thumb up your ass.

      You see, your the kind of person I hate. The person that comes in here expecting God’s graces from all of TFM because you have the miraculous ability to find the N and F key on your keyboard. Congratufuckinglations. Please, don’t feel like you are the first.

      I feel obligated to tell you that while I write this, I’m taking a shit on your sister. And I hate to tell you this cowboy, but she’s moaning for the poopy.

      I’m going to go ahead and let you walk away from this with a little bit of dignity left. I suggest you don’t return, because if you think your Dad ramming your Mother in the ass was hard, wait until you see what I can do with your sister and that pretty little ear of hers.

      She’ll thing she’s been fucked by a sonic boom.

      You got a little jizz on your forehead, clean it up.

      13 years ago at 12:10 am
    5. NF Police

      Not quite sure what to think about this whole situation. It is certainly entering new territory here; however, I was amused so I say very observant name.

      13 years ago at 12:37 am
    11. SiVisPacemParaBellum

      Respect to the headshot-celebrating gentleman in the back. I would definitely be interested in a column from you. Frat on, sir.

      13 years ago at 9:26 am
    13. FratwallJackson

      Osama is Dead- take a 40mg XR and then write a column on something frat people hate. It’d be worth reading.

      13 years ago at 3:49 pm
    14. FratasticMrFox

      Osama is Dead : You just crushed the hopes and dreams of some rando on the internet via paragraph sized comment. Well done, and get yourself a column.

      13 years ago at 3:26 am
  10. The Frat Czar

    Bacon: funny and light-hearted topics
    DapperDipper: serious fucking business

    13 years ago at 9:20 pm