The Last Leg
It seems like only yesterday we were cracking beers back home on our sunlit porches as we scanned our contacts list for some casual Christmas Break raw dogging. After a few short months filled with ever-rising bar tabs, escalating drunken dares, and subsequent barely avoided arrests, we now find ourselves in April, the final leg of the spring circuit.
Just as starting off your school year on an extremely inebriated note is of utmost importance, so is going out with both a literal and figurative bang. Finals week is fast approaching and chances are that with your nighttime habits you’re going to be slacking off. It’s time to sack up or back up. My suggestion is to stock up on Adderall now, Doomsday Preppers style, before every brother in your house forms a short-term addiction in the weeks to come. Take whatever amount you think you need, and then double it. Twice. Don’t underestimate the value of these little pink brain-steroids.
While studying is an unfortunate but vastly important activity in the final weeks of your school year, raging your ass off in the home stretch is of equal importance. Every night that you don’t have to give a shit about school, you should be giving a shit about how many beers it takes you to blow a 0.38 on the breathalyzer your friend randomly purchased. Your second home should be a bar. If a bartender there ever has to ask you “What’s the name on the tab?” you’re doing it wrong.
For many of us this May means a temporary summer separation from our beloved college campuses. It means a lot of relaxing, some semi awkward “back home” parties, and loathing the fact that you can’t get a pledge ride. These waning weeks are your last chance to inhale the sweet aroma of fraternity life, unscrew the lid on its luminous bottle, and ruthlessly chug down the sweet nectar of collegiate bliss. Get your ass to every date function. Meet girls by the dozens. Do a body shot off some smokeshow, mistake prone DG because it’s her 21st birthday. Now is the time to capitalize, my friends.
For those of us in the dreaded final weeks of senior year, this May means a true end. An end to the drunken midday tailgate life. Gone is the random Tuesday bar crawl. Sadly lost is the optoin of drinking at noon on a Friday. Real life is fast approaching, and since your grades don’t mean shit at this point anyways, you should be raging your tits off the absolute hardest. Every graduating senior in the country has a personal obligation to leave their permanent mark on both their chapter and their campus. Shoot off some fireworks. Steal a composite. Become known as “that drunk guy who’s always at midtown.” Do what you have to do, because let’s be honest, the real world can’t fucking touch this glorious, blurry, dream of debauchery we call fraternity life.
Last
13 years ago at 1:29 pmClever.
13 years ago at 3:56 pmI will miss the optoin of drinking a noon on Fridays.
13 years ago at 1:32 pm^ Nothing stopped you from drinking at noon on a Wednesday huh.
13 years ago at 1:35 pmRandom comments being deleted. NF.
13 years ago at 1:58 pm^thank you
13 years ago at 2:09 pmI hate losing optoins.
13 years ago at 4:46 pmWhat the fuck!? Bacon is the one that puts stupid photoshopped shit as his column pictures!! Fuck this and fuck you for fooling me!
13 years ago at 1:53 pmMEH
13 years ago at 2:00 pmThis should have been written by StuffFratPeopleDontLike
13 years ago at 2:05 pmYeah dude, I hate the end of school, and fratting for that matter. #goodriddance #hopeyouhadthetimeofyourlife #summernostalgia
13 years ago at 2:48 pmHashtags. NF.
13 years ago at 3:15 pm^#fuckyou
13 years ago at 3:56 pmYou can still do weekday bar crawls as a graduate. It just sucks the next day at work.
13 years ago at 2:10 pmThis is very true.
13 years ago at 2:23 pmFuck, this makes me miss college.
13 years ago at 2:33 pmYou obviously aren’t busy, bro.
13 years ago at 9:46 pmThe day I packed my stuff and drove away from the house…..I was bawling like a baby before I got to the end of the driveway…..and continued to do so for 20 miles. Happy days, happy days.
13 years ago at 2:46 pmmen don’t cry. crying TSM. #shaveyourvaginahair #seeyourtherapist
13 years ago at 2:51 pmIt’s “spilt beer” crying #themostfunyouwilleverhaveinyourentirelifeandnothingwillevercompare
13 years ago at 2:58 pm#stillabitchtocrylaceemupandtakealapchamp
13 years ago at 3:14 pmFuck all of you for making me decipher what you fucktards were trying to say because you think this is fucking twitter. It’s not.
13 years ago at 3:39 pmduckdog, I feel you man. When I leave the house in a little over a month from now, I will feel no shame in shedding a few tears. If you don’t feel any sadness then either a) you’re a try-hard who did (or will) cry but but won’t admit, b) you weren’t in a fraternity that made you feel like a family and didn’t love the place where you lived and the brothers inside of it, and/or c) in high school or a GDI so you wouldn’t understand. If I had tho guess the other people who commented are option c.
13 years ago at 5:35 pm^agreed
13 years ago at 5:58 amFuck I’m graduating in May and trying to ignore it and this column isn’t helping.
13 years ago at 3:31 pmRight with ya…Its quite bittersweet
13 years ago at 7:20 pmhiking up vyvanse prices the week before finals. TFM.
13 years ago at 4:01 pmHow much is it at your school for 20mg?
13 years ago at 5:29 pm$5/40mg more for the chumps
13 years ago at 11:16 pmHow do you acquire large quantities?
13 years ago at 7:15 pmis that a real question? make an appointment with your primary physician
13 years ago at 7:12 pm