The Morning Bump: Danger Zone
10 years ago

Mornings are dog shit. You’re tired and you’re hungover, but you have to get out of bed and do stuff. So you could use a little motivation. A little pick-me-up. A little morning bump, if you will. Well here you go, friend. Put this metaphorical straw to your nose and snort.

Wake Up Watching Mike Tyson Put People To Sleep

Attack today like Mike Tyson attacked every man that stepped into the ring with him. Iron Mike ate pieces of shit for breakfast. Literal pieces of shit. What’d you have for breakfast? Some fucking cereal? A granola bar? Mike Tyson had crack cocaine for breakfast. How much would it take for you to step into the ring with Mike Tyson in his prime? $10,000? $50,000? $1,000,000? You’d basically have 50-50 odds of survival — keep that in mind. On to the next video.

Get Shit Done

That’s called taking care of business. Sometimes you’ve gotta do shit you don’t necessarily want to do. Shit that has really negative consequences. Shit like murdering the chief of police and a reputed mobster at the same time, and then moving to Italy until the heat dies down. Aw, you’re supposed to go to the gym today? Just do it, you big baby. At least you don’t have to shoot anyone in the face. Rule No. 76: No excuses. Play like a champion.

Ride Into The Danger Zone

Be dangerous. Be so dangerous that Val Kilmer doesn’t like you. Today is the first day of the rest of your life, and it could be your last. Now get out there and live like it, bitch. Side note: next time I get my hair cut, I’m asking for the Kenny Loggins.

  2. BoatShoesAndBooze

    An article that I can read as soon as I get in to work? You’re alright, Bolen. You’re alright.

    10 years ago at 6:03 am
  4. NYUFratter

    At 7am, Bolen literally wrote an article in his sleep that was better than anything Steve Holt has written #BlackBallSteveHolt

    10 years ago at 6:31 am
  5. Loess Hills Panther

    Bolen you’re articles suck less than most, have you considered writing a book? I bet it’d be a best seller. Maybe have the first chapter of the book on TFM, you know as a teaser. It’d also be pretty rad if you had a banner for the book.

    10 years ago at 6:33 am
    1. Loess Hills Panther

      While we’re on the topic of site ideas, you all should make a movie. I’m thinking “TotalFratMovie” it’s cheesy but rememberable. It’d be a modern day Animal House.

      10 years ago at 6:37 am
      1. Loess Hills Panther

        Oh shit how could I forget, concerts and festivals are all the rage now you guys should throw one. Who doesn’t like day drinking and raging, so call it “Day Rage.” It could be in Austin, I’m sure respectable fraternity gentleman and morally ambiguous sorority sluts would travel cross country to come. I have so many great ideas you all should hire me.

        10 years ago at 6:40 am
      5. GeebsNotGeeds

        I forgot about this, but since you reminded me could anyone tell me what happened to that?

        10 years ago at 1:14 pm