The Most Incredible Intramural Kickball Email You’ll Ever Read: No Fucking Until Week 5!
11 years ago

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After a brutal winter, spring is finally here. With it comes the return of intramural sports on college campuses and in neighborhood communities. Intramurals are an excuse to enjoy some nice weather on a weekday evening, play some sports that you excelled at way more in high school with your buddies, and get inappropriately drunk afterward, all while trying to court the hottest girl on your team. That is, if you’re lucky enough to be in a coed league.

Deadspin obtained an email from this guy, who, while remaining anonymous, is clearly the alpha male team captain of his squad. Clearly, he gets how important women are to the kickball title chase. His verbiage resonated with me, and it will totally inspire a pep talk to my team for our second contest this evening.

Succinctly put, he urges his male teammates not to fuck any female on the team until after week five, because doing the dirty has the potential to cause a traffic wreck of team chemistry. Enjoy one of the best kickball speeches of all time.

Good morning gentlemen,

I’m assuming that when this is read, you’ll all be waking up, hence the greeting.

I hope we all had a good time tonight. I certainly did. We have a very talented team.

We’re most likely going to win out the season, and if not, we’ll buck up and win the tournament at the end of the season. We’re really that good.

But it’s time that I introduce you all to a very important rule, which if we don’t follow will cause us the season. It’s called the five-week rule.

You’ll notice that only the men of [team name] are receiving this email. It’s because this rule only applies to you. I know, it’s sexist. It’s not fair. But it’s the way it is.

Winning on the kickball field is based on three things. How well the men play, how well the women play, and if the women show up. Literally, leagues are won and lost on whether or not enough women show up towards the end of the season. Everyone thinks kickball is a great game, they all want to play, then towards the end of the season, attendance tapers off, and you’re begging and pleading for people to show up to fill out the team, and it doesn’t happen, and you forfeit, and you’re pissed, and it sucks. SUCKS.

The main reason for this, is screwing. No joke, you bang some chick, she’s ashamed, maybe you sucked at it (none of us, obviously) and she doesn’t want to see you, therefore she doesn’t show up again.

So, this rule has been created, not to hinder us, but to help the team. Think of it as an extended challenge. The slow roll. The long con.

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO FUCK ANYONE ON THE TEAM UNTIL AFTER WEEK FIVE.

Is that clear enough? I can say it again if necessary, but I think it was pretty clear.

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO FUCK ANYONE ON THE TEAM UNTIL AFTER WEEK FIVE.

There, I said it again anyway.

Failure to adhere to this rule will result in your exclusion from the lineup, public hatred and disdain, death, dismemberment, ball-kicking (not kickballs), and, on the good side, getting laid. I don’t think the latter is worth the former.

Please be a team player, wait a few weeks. If you’re that good, it won’t matter anyway. Don’t break up the team because of your dick.

Thanks,
[redacted]

SERIOUSLY. NO FUCKING, OKAY?

This guy must be a riot to play with. How long do you think until the rule is violated? Probably happened in the bathroom of the bar the night before he wrote this.

Whatever. I love the tenacity he brings to the table–spoken like a true champion, that’s for sure. If you ever need a pinch-kicker, I’ll play for you anytime, [Redacted]. No guarantees that I’ll abide by the rules, though. Good luck with your season, pal.

[via Deadspin]

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