The Natty Daddy

During a recent alcohol-purchasing venture at our neighborhood gas station, one of my pledge brothers noticed Natural Light’s latest offering to our great society – The Natty Daddy. It’s 24 ounces and 8% ABV, so with every one of these you’re essentially downing four regular Natties. They say it’s “brewed with the same all-natural ingredients as Natural Light,” and I don’t know what that means, but here’s what happens if you throw a rager and substitute these in for regular beers:

In lieu of “Wagon Wheel” the whole party sings “Enter Sandman” in unison.

Instead of bumming two Camel Lights you chain-smoke Marlboro Reds.

Nobody tucks their boner.

MIPs turn into PIs.

Girls’ arm muscles look slightly more toned than usual.

Never mind an open-air hand job, there’s going to be a flying 69 on the dance floor.

Less trips back-and-forth between beer trough and beer pong table during spree of dominance.

.08 turns into .32

In your ultra-drunk state you possess the brute retard strength to outrun a bicycle cop that would normally take you down with ease.

People who would usually pass out fully clothed atop their beds are found naked in the front yard.

Your two-minute mid-sex piss break becomes an eight-minute battle with a stiff fire hose.

Instead of that girlish grunt you give during climax, you roar like a lion.

There is no late night trip to Jack in the Box. You sprint into the woods with a hatchet to hunt a wild fucking animal.

Continue the list in the Comments section below…

  1. whiskeywalrus

    Texting the slampiece “Hey” turns into sending her a picture of your dick.

    13 years ago at 9:38 pm
  2. Roger Sterling Jr

    Is this the first time any of you have seen an 8% ABV beer?

    …and you all claim to represent the wealthy 1%. Go drink some Dogfish Head, Sierra Nevada, or some other high content microbrew. Jesus.

    13 years ago at 9:54 pm
    1. J Fratpont Morgan

      While I love a good microbrew and have had plenty of beers that are almost 8%, and even much higher than that (Founders Backwoods Bastard and Flying Dog Double Dog come to mind), they’re not exactly the kind of beers you would chug.

      13 years ago at 6:19 am
  3. sperrystaytied

    black out and have two pledges walk you around the party weekend at bernie’s style

    13 years ago at 10:09 pm
  4. SeeYouNT

    “Team, time to hit the showers” turns into “We were just wrestling” -Sandusky

    13 years ago at 10:25 pm
  5. Farva

    A safe cab ride home turns into yelling racist obscenities and calling the cab driver a terrorist.

    13 years ago at 10:26 pm
  6. NorthernFratStar1868

    Instead of just hazing the pledges you kill all of them as violent as possible.

    13 years ago at 11:03 pm
  7. FratDaddy18

    Punching a hole in the drywall turns into doubling the size of yours and the brother next door’s room.

    13 years ago at 11:32 pm