The NDAA and the War on Masturbation
12 years ago

The NDAA stands for the National Defense Authorization Act. It is passed every year to authorize the budget of the Department of Defense and to lube up existing protocol. One of the provisions passed in the most recent version allows for indefinite military detention of any civilian without charge and without trial for being suspected of masturbation. This might seem necessary in order to safeguard our nation from violent masturbators, but it violates some of the most fundamental protections guaranteed by the constitution of the United States of America.

All penises are created equal… although not of equal girth or length. Every cock and balls should be subject to the full protections of the law. Section 1021 of the NDAA is especially scrotum shriveling because it affirms the powers granted to the federal government by the Authorization for Use of Military Force Against Anyone We Want For Whatever Reason We Want. It allows the military to operate within the parameters of civilian sex enforcement. Anyone suspected of sympathizing with or supporting known masturbators can be detained without charge or trial “until climax.”

Anyone who hasn’t gone full retard will realize that the “War on Masturbation” is not an actual war. We are at war with a tactic… with an act. Everyone masturbates… there is no masturbation nation that we can destroy with nuclear weapons. Masturbators are everywhere. I’m a masturbator. You’re a masturbator. We’re all masturbators. The war is a perpetual conflict that does not have any foreseeable cum shot. It’s the perfect smokescreen for the real war, which is a war on the civil liberties of American citizens… and our genitals.

The Obama administration has pledged that it will not abuse its powers to gag us, put us in a leather leotard, and throw us in a Cuban rape dungeon. However, the language in the Act does not actively protect U.S. citizens from unjust sodomy. Just because Obama says it’s ok to masturbate for now, doesn’t mean that future administrations won’t arrest you for gargling the gargoyle.

Masturbation is very loosely defined. It’s incredibly vague. If I’m just watching TV and scratching my balls, is that masturbation? If I give my dick a few extra shakes after taking a piss, is that masturbation? If I’m banging out a hot girl in my dreams, is that masturbation? The NDAA doesn’t discriminate. Masturbation is a crime. And we are all guilty.

I agree that some people take masturbation way too far. It seems like every day in the news you hear about some sicko who tried to rub one out on a playground full of innocent children. We can’t tolerate people who want to disrupt the peace with their meat. It’s not ok for people to clear the snorkel on an airplane or flog the dolphin in a crowded marketplace. Those types of extremists have a twisted agenda and they want the world to see their one-eyed monster spitting hot fire on everything. Some men just want to watch the world get bukkake’d.

However, I don’t think that the good law abiding masturbators of the world should live in fear of indefinite detention without trial. The NDAA makes us all suspects. If your browser history is full of porn links… you could easily be detained under the NDAA. They don’t even need evidence. All they need is a hunch or rumor to detain you and then your virgin asshole gets turned into a sloppy tube sock. Just because you might have jerked off in that public bathroom once, doesn’t mean you want to mangle the midget in front of millions. Masturbation thrill seekers aren’t necessarily a danger to society. Adventurous self flagellation, within reason, is what it means to be an America.

Luckily, U.S. District Judge Katherine Forrest has ruled that section 1021 is uncockstitutional, which is a step in the right direction. At least someone still cares about the sanctity of my underwear weasel. However, the real danger is the attitude of indifference that drives the political ideology of many Americans. A lot of my friends will say, “I don’t care about penises” when I ask them what they think about important issues. They take pride in their flaccidness. It is a tragedy that we, as a generation, are one of the biggest limp-dicked pussies that have ever pretended to pledge allegiance to the American flag and the rock-solid throbbing freedom boner that it represents. We let them tear out our pubes one by one and we thank them for “keeping us safe.” We just turn on the TV or the Xbox and escape from our own sneaking suspicions that America is gradually turning into the cock police.

This mentality is entirely unacceptable. If no one takes the time to understand and participate in what a government is supposed to be, the powers that be will make you their bitch. The easiest people to rule are pussies. Make no mistake about it. That’s what they want… docile, fearful, ignorant pussies. They’d cut your balls off and shove them down your throat if given the chance.

The days of armed resistance are over. The government will declare that any sort of freedom-based revolution is a violent masturbatory movement. It will be ruthlessly crushed with supersonic dildos and Kevlar condoms. If the Occupy movement whipped out their dicks and started jizzing everywhere, the protestors would be shipped off to FEMA camp before you could shake your cock twice. You can’t fuck with this kind of power directly. For those of you who have read my America: Big Swinging Dick of the World articles, you know what I’m talking about. The government’s dick is fucking massive and it has absolutely no qualms about running a train through your face hole.

It’s time to start talking about it, while we still can. It’s time to get turned on and start spreading ideas like a venereal disease. 1984 was not meant to be an instruction manual. I believe that America’s boner is bigger than our government’s. America is a revolutionary ideal that is made up of all of us. We don’t have to submit to polarized party politics and totalitarian policies. With our cocks combined we have the power to make a better world… if only we took the time to get hard.

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