The NSA Watches Your Porn

RageTheory12 years ago

The NSA is up to it again. First they came for the meta-data, then they came for foreign officials, and now they’re coming for your porn.

In yet another Snowden money shot, it was revealed that the NSA has been gathering records of online sexual activity in order to discredit individuals who have the potential to radicalize others against America. They know what porn sites you like and they aren’t afraid to tell your mom about it.

Jameel Jaffer, deputy legal director of the American Civil Liberties Union, is concerned about this revelation, probably because if the browser history on his computer ever went public, it would guarantee his immediate resignation. The cookies speak for themselves.

From Huffington Post:

“It’s important to remember that the NSA’s surveillance activities are anything but narrowly focused — the agency is collecting massive amounts of sensitive information about virtually everyone.

Wherever you are, the NSA’s databases store information about your political views, your medical history, your intimate relationships and your activities online… The NSA says this personal information won’t be abused, but these documents show that the NSA probably defines ‘abuse’ very narrowly.”

The classified documents show that the NSA targeted six individuals, all Muslims, in order to exploit “personal vulnerabilities,” such as “viewing sexually explicit material online” and “using sexually explicit persuasive language when communicating with inexperienced young girls.”

99% of the time I use my computer, it’s for porn. The other 1% is writing for TFM, which is the verbal equivalent of a Ukrainian snuff film.

The last time I tried to communicate with an inexperienced young girl online, it ended up being a 58-year-old truck driver from Alabama who can only climax when Siri talks dirty to him.

The NSA is gathering private information about individuals for nefarious purposes. They won’t abuse our privates as hard as David Carradine abused his before he blacked out and died in a dirty cum-stained Bangkok closet, but there will probably be a little bit of abuse — somewhere between “just the tip” and “two guys, one horse.”

Unlike most law abiding citizens, I don’t have to worry about being blackmailed by the NSA. I sold my soul for a handjob when I was 15, so I couldn’t care less if they expose my pornographic preferences. If my porn habits were revealed, my reputation wouldn’t be ruined, it would be reinforced. Infamy is so much sexier than fame, anyways.

Stewart Baker, a one-hit wonder at the NSA and former fluffer for the Bush administration, thinks that pornographic warfare is better than bombs. He likens it to “dropping the truth on them.”

I have to disagree with Stew on that one. Terrorism is a legitimate concern, but gathering indiscriminate information on people with no terrorist connections is disrespectful to the very core of American ideology, and it’s a huge swing and a miss for the NSA.

The NSA needs to stick to what it’s good at, using top-secret murder drones to kill terrorist shit bags with no trial, no jury, and a complete disregard for sovereign airspace.

No one cares what porn you watch when you’re dead.

[via Huffington Post]