The Official 2016 Not Frat Bracket: Elite Eight

TFM Intern9 years ago

The Official 2016 Not Frat Bracket is here.

Earlier this year, your votes determined that Natural Light is 2016’s frattest thing. Now, it’s time to find out what reigns supreme at the opposite end of the spectrum — what is 2016’s most NF (not frat) thing? That’s up to you to decide.

It’s Elite Eight time, baby. The Sweet Sixteen was a brutal round for the underdog, as all but one matchup went straight chalk (and it was the #2 vs. #3 matchup, which is hardly an upset). Since you asked for it last week, here’s how things went down in the round of 16.

•#1 Socialism defeated #5 Veganism 64%-36%

•#2 Hillary Clinton defeated #14 Hot Topic 74%-26%

•#1 Cargos defeated #13 Skintight jeans 76%-24%

•#2 Safe spaces defeated #3 PETA 77%-23%

•#1 North Korea VERY narrowly defeated #4 Vaping 50%-50% (49 votes)

•#2 Trigger warnings defeated #6 Poetry slams 74%-26%

•*UPSET* #2 Bernie Sanders fell to #3 Feminism 38%-62%

•#8 Gun control barely beat #13 Filing a noise complaint 50%-50% (103 votes)

Bye bye, Cinderellas, and thanks for the memories and excitement. Now let’s get to our first region.

Note: Bracket regions are named after the four main frat regions in a purely ceremonial manner. The things listed under them do not necessarily have any specific relationship with that respective frat region.

Polls will be closed Tuesday, July 12

The East Coast Region

#1 Socialism vs. #2 Hillary Clinton

It’s a rematch of the Democratic primary, except this time socialism is favored. Hillary pulled an America and toppled socialism when she downed Bernie, as she was, by default, the more frat of two frat evils, but she also pulled arguably the least American move of all time: the Benghazi cover-up. Is that colossal fuck up enough to give her back to back victories over socialism, the antithesis of our beloved capitalism?

The West Coast Region

#1 Cargos vs. #2 Safe spaces

Sweet mother of fuck — what a matchup. The deeply-rooted king of NFdom, cargos, versus the hottest newcomer to the NF game. I guess one way of thinking about this matchup can be, “Is it more NF to look NF, or to hold NF beliefs?” Do I know the answer? No. Do you? No. But together, we will come to a conclusion. Vote.

The Midwest Region

#1 North Korea vs. #2 Trigger warnings

Let’s be real: what Kim Jong-un is doing over there in North Korea is surely one of the greatest human rights violations of all-time. Sure, PC SJWs complaining about how triggered they get when certain topics arise is absolutely unbearable, but at least we live in a country where you can express your views, however shitty they may be. In North Korea, that kind of complaining can get you killed. The “Democratic” “People’s” Republic of Korea stands for everything to which the U.S. was founded in opposition.

The South Region

#3 Feminism vs. #8 Gun control

It’s the epic battle of hairy armpits and “I don’t need no man” versus PTSD from shooting assault rifles and anti-Constitution wahoos. Regardless of who wins this sure to be hard-fought battle, we can all agree that both of these concepts are just awful when taken to the extreme.

The Final Four will be announced Wednesday, July 13.

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Bracket design by Connor Davis. Follow him on Instagram.