The Official 2016 Not Frat Bracket: Round Of 64

TFM Intern9 years ago

#1 North Korea vs. #16 Dry handjobs

Freedom to do as one pleases is a core value that’s as fraternal as it gets. North Korea, with its totalitarian dictatorship, slapped that concept in the face on its way to becoming the laughingstock of the world. Just a truly awful country. A dry handjob, on the other hand? Hey, it’s still an HJ.

#2 Trigger warnings vs. #15 Neck beards

Like safe spaces, trigger warnings burst onto the NF scene and show no sign of relenting any time soon. Not while hate and injustice still exist, at least (so… never). Neck beards are for lazy fat fucks who already know they have no chance of getting laid, leading to them forgoing personal hygiene in lieu of more time pwning Zerg noobs in StarCraft.

#3 “I don’t wanna buy my friends” vs. #14 Campus Quidditch leagues

We don’t pay for our friends, we pay for this *presents warm can of Natural Light, a handle of unflavored Burnett’s, and a half-used can of dip* In reality though, this 3 seed is the stupidest anti-fraternity argument in existence. Because paying fraternity dues is buying friends, while paying for an Xbox Live subscription is not similar to that at all. I’m on upset alert here, though. Not much is more cringeworthy NF than a bunch of Harry Potter dorks running around with brooms rubbing up on their virgin penises while they chase after some chach wearing a sparkling gold morphsuit.

#4 Vaping vs. #13 Abercrombie & Fitch

I don’t agree with this seeding for vaping. Why not? This article. A&F, on the other hand, is now remarkably NF despite being the pinnacle of early 2000s fraternity style.

#5 Sobriety vs. #12 Faux hawks

A wise man once said “sobriety is for quitters.” That wise man is now dead, having succumbed to liver cancer long, long ago — but the sentiment holds true. Faux hawks, on the other hand, are for Europeans, lesbians, and kids who want a mohawk but are too big of a pussy to commit to the real thing.

#6 Poetry slams vs. #11 Crocs

Feelings? Ha! Who needs ’em?! Expressing feelings in an artistic manner? I’d rather you just kill me and rid me of those horrendous, cancerous feelings altogether, thank you very much. As far as Crocs go, anybody who puts them on in a non-satirical manner deserves the death sentence. And not one of those modern, as-painless-as-possible death sentences; I’m talking stoning, drawing and quartering — the good stuff.

#7 Birkenstocks vs. #10 Ponytails

I will defend Birkenstocks until the day I die. Apparently many say they’re NF, however, so I, a man of the people, afforded it a spot on this bracket. Dude ponytails, on the other hand, are even worse than man buns. Unless you are sick at karate, don’t touch them with a ten-foot pole if you want a girl to touch your 4.5-inch pole.

#8 Gottlieb Duttweiler Institute vs. #9 Global Defense Initiative

It’s a battle of the GDIs, one being a Swiss think tank (NF), the other being a UN-sanctioned entity responsible for eliminating terrorism from the world. Wait… that GDI is FaF! A SHEEP IN WOLF’S CLOTHING!!!