The Pathetic World Of Anonymous Twitter Accounts
12 years ago

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UPDATE: Some of the anonymous Twitter accounts originally cited in this column have since deleted their accounts or changed their names to protect their anonymous anonymity.

Working on the internet will regularly test your faith in humanity. The majority of humans walking the Earth should be forbidden from sharing the idiotic opinions and nonsensical musings that form in their heads, and if not for the internet, most of them would never be given the chance. Since the World Wide Web was born, those people can say whatever they want, whenever they want, and often under the protection of anonymity.

In the early days of dialup, internet anonymity meant signing into AOL and joining a lesbian chat room under the guise of a frisky female teen with the screen name “longlegs18” in hopes of cyber-sexing an actual lesbian. It was hot, and it was totally harmless. Those were the glory days, when your modem made screeching noises like a dying robotic cat, and a new form of social media wasn’t born every ten seconds.

Enter the age of anonymous Twitter accounts, otherwise known as “anon” accounts.

I’ve watched in horror as this seedy underbelly of the social media world formed for over two years now, and I can genuinely say that there isn’t a bigger group of losers on the planet. These people truly are the saddest, loneliest, most pathetic, physically unattractive failures in the history of mankind. More than anything I’ve ever seen online, and I’m including “2 Girls 1 Cup” and the infamous “lemon party,” these wastes of life have caused me to completely lose faith in the future.

Oh no, I’ve tinkled myself in fear.

Not a single one of these people is cool, and yet somehow they amass thousands of followers.

Who the fuck are you talking to?

Most of these friendless clones have wildly creative names like SouthernBelle22 or NorthernFratter91 or ClassyBrunette1993, and their user photos are either stock pictures of models or unidentifiable attractive people with their heads cut off. Are you fucking kidding me, nerds? You’re too unintelligent and unattractive to post 140 characters under your own names and faces?

https://twitter.com/Bowtielife1/status/326845118139232256

Are you related to the Headless Horseman?

Worse yet, not a single one of these faceless badasses has ever had a redeemable original thought. They regurgitate song lyrics, or quotes from iconic figures in American history, such as Marilyn Monroe or George W. Bush, and often these quotes are wrongly attributed.

https://twitter.com/PreppyTravel/status/327166205142122496

You’re so deep and dreamy, That Preppy Guy.

One similarity between the glory days of the internet and the now anon-riddled web remains: most of those “lesbians” in the AOL chat rooms were probably middle-aged men, and most of these anonymous Twitter accounts are sexual deviants in disguise.

The only people more pathetic than these losers are the losers that send them nudes.

Get a life, clowns.

(If you really want to delve into the world of anonymous Twitter accounts, go through this one’s followers, here.)

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  5. GhostofKimball

    Never understood the point of these accounts. Is there money involved or something?

    12 years ago at 5:11 pm
  6. TheGent

    How do you write an article about anonymous losers on twitter and completely leave out Casey Franthony’s account?

    12 years ago at 5:21 pm
    2. UES

      When I had an “Anon” TFM account he was nothing but hilarious. You’re most likely one of the losers he makes fun of with the username “TheGent.” I can only imagine how awful your Twitter is.

      12 years ago at 8:06 pm
    3. Jon M Fratsman

      ^ Now here’s a real blast from the TFM past, ya’ll. Take a good long look.

      12 years ago at 7:10 pm
  9. iTryHard

    Just tossing this one out there, but some of us aren’t “FaF” or “TFTC” and need jobs in the future. I can’t just be posting offensive tweets all willy nilly like under my own name.

    12 years ago at 5:24 pm
    1. BoatshoesAndHoes

      Better idea, how about you keep everything that risks a job off the Internet? Just throwing one out there.

      12 years ago at 5:44 pm
  10. Bob_Duato

    If you have an anonymous twitter account, kindly kill yourself. Nice blog, spot on. You can dedicate a part 2 to the retarded pictures they post.

    12 years ago at 5:26 pm
    12. Jon M Fratsman

      If you aren’t on the Inner Circle group text, you ain’t shit.

      #RIPBetterThanYou

      12 years ago at 7:12 pm
  11. prex8390

    best article ive read in a while. my twitter is always littered with retweets from accounts like these who give deeply, yet so vaguely advice about what love and relationships should be like… god bless aol/aim and the days of 2002-2006 internet chatting

    12 years ago at 5:26 pm