The Time I Realized There Was A Nazi In My Fraternity

Swoop Johnson8 years ago

I’ll start by explaining the conditions in which my fraternity brothers and I were living at the time. This was no chapter house. It was a live-out; a place for the fraternity to throw “social events.” These “social events” made the floor so sticky that mice were getting stuck to it and dying of starvation. The paint was peeling off the walls so rapidly that the interior color scheme switched seven times while we were living there without us ever buying a paintbrush. Then there was the bathroom. You know when you go to an animal shelter and see a dog that’s been neglected? And the cage is covered in feces, urine, vomit, and other bodily fluids? That’s what the bathroom was like, except with less space and more pubic hair. That house could’ve easily been ground zero for the next AIDS epidemic. But hey, we were young men set free to do whatever we wanted. It could’ve been worse.

One of the guys in the house, Kornberg, was a Jew, and we loved him to death. One night, Kornberg had a very heated argument with another guy in the house. The argument ended with Kornberg being called a “stupid Jew,” and not in the “Kornberg’s laughing along” way. Meanwhile, I was sitting on the couch trying to think of anything I could do to diffuse the situation. All I came up with was, “Man, this Busch Light is good! Did they change their recipe?”

Luckily, they left each other alone before the Crusades could start again. The other guy — let’s just call him Jew Hater — came up to me the next day and said, “Hey man, I’m not feeling very welcome around here. I’m thinking about moving out.”

“Aw man, I’m sorry. That’s too bad,” was my reply. Secretly, though, I despised Jew Hater (for obvious reasons). I was so pumped to hear he was leaving that I actually felt my dick move.

Jew Hater went on to say, “Kornberg just doesn’t understand that I’m a supporter of Hitler, and I respect him as a leader. I think the world would be better if he’d won the war.”

Oh fucking shit.

At that moment, the semi-chub in my pants instantly vanished. I don’t want people to get the wrong idea, so I’ll say it again — there was no blood in my penis after I found out I was living with a Nazi. It was all gone. My penis was like a freshly embalmed cadaver at that time: bloodless, cold, and unsightly.

I didn’t know how to respond. I was certain the lack of sleep from my two week-long Adderall binge, combined with the bottom shelf vodka I had been sipping, was beginning to make me hallucinate. All I could do was stand there and analyze what he’d told me.

“Kornberg just doesn’t understand that I’m a supporter of Hitler…”

It was like Jew Hater believed every other brother was already fully aware that he’s a fucking Nazi. He made being a Nazi sympathizer sound like a normal and respected way of life. It was as if he’d already walked up to Kornberg one day and said, “Look, you’re a Jew that can trace his lineage all the way back to Israel, and I think that all of your people should be exterminated from the face of the Earth. Obviously, we fundamentally disagree on some stuff, so let’s just agree to disagree and go on with living together” and was just now reneging that offer.

I know that some fraternities have normalized a lot of fucked up shit over the years, but I decided to draw the line at Nazism. Telling the other members about the situation wasn’t easy for a firm believer in the policy of “snitches get stitches,” but I had no other option.

After 5 minutes of deliberation, we unanimously decided to kick Jew Hater out of the fraternity. Making fun of Kornberg for being a fuck is one thing, but calling him a “stupid Jew” and then touching yourself while fantasizing about Auschwitz really doesn’t fly with my fraternity. Maybe Jew Hater could find a better home with another, much shittier group on campus. I heard about one that’s always looking for new members. I think their Greek letters are Kappa Kappa Kappa? Don’t quote me on that, though..

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