The University of Florida is Pussy Central

Rob Fox12 years ago

I bet you thought I was talking about human lady vaginas, didn’t you? I’m tricky like that.

While I’m quite sure that getting laid at UF is as easy as unbuttoning your jean shorts, the university currently holds the title of “pussy central” thanks to the large amount of feral cats roaming the Gainesville campus. That’s right, the University of Florida is overrun by what I like to imagine are all mangy, howling, vicious alley cats with one eye missing and mouse skulls stuck in their tussled fur.

When Kat Worden heard there was a cat trapped under sealed grates near Bryan Hall on UF’s campus Monday, she went home to get a crowbar.

Worden, the office manager at the Warrington College of Business Administration’s Center for Management Communication, said “it wouldn’t matter if it was a puppy or a kitten or a raccoon” — she wanted to save the crying animal.

Worden’s removing of the grate is one of many recent actions taken by a handful of UF employees to care for a feral cat colony near Bryan Hall, which houses Warrington.

First off, Kat Worden, you and your ironic-to-this-story name shouldn’t be meddling in nature’s business. You realize that curiosity was trying to kill that cat, don’t you? The cat went exploring where it shouldn’t have and was sentenced to death because of it. Now that poor cat is wandering the UF campus, dealing with a constant barrage of Final Destination-esque threats against its life, most of which I assume involve getting run over by cars or being almost decapitated Is that any way to live!?!

Second, you absolutely would not have run home to get a crowbar if there had been a full grown raccoon under the grate. Something tells me you’d leave releasing an extremely defensive animal that’s hissing rabies at you to the professionals. Nobody thinks raccoons are cute. They’re nature’s hobos, and not the nice hobos that kindly ask for change and give lightheartedly insane life advice. Raccoons are more like the scary kind that have Gerber’s baby food stuck in their beards and fashion flutes out of dog femurs in order to raise and control an army of sewer rats.

Many UF employees, all female, are upset by the university’s treatment of the campus’ feral cats.

About a month ago, Bryan Hall was treated for ants, roaches and fleas, said Bill Properzio, director of the Environmental Health and Safety Division. He said his team tried to determine what was attracting the pests. Raccoons or cats could be to blame.

Workers secured openings beneath the building with grates, Properzio said, and they didn’t look for animals that might have been trapped beneath.

“You can tell there’s a cat-hating community among workers,” said Joan Lyon, senior secretary at Warrington.

Lyon added that she didn’t understand why so much feline animosity existed saying, “I mean, have these people never seen The Aristocats? Stray cats are sweet, lovable scamps. They aren’t disease ridden filth. I should know, because I stage my own live version of The Aristocats at my home every spring, starring all the cats in my neighborhood, most of which are mine.”

Bill Properzio, director of the university’s Environmental Health and Safety Division, was kind of but not really apologetic about trapping cats beneath the newly added grates.

“We should have probably told the Physical Plant to make sure no animals were down there,” Properzio said. “We’re not trying to do animal cruelty or anything like that.”

He said that while he understands why some people may be passionate about saving the cats, food left for them often attracts other animals like raccoons and roaches. He said as predatory animals, the cats also negatively affect wildlife like birds and reptiles.

Love the TFTC attitude coming from Properzio in regard to the cats. “Eh we probably should’ve checked to see if any cats were down there, but uh, you know…we didn’t. Fuck it.” I actually don’t even hate cats, but the idea that these cats are sweet and lovable instead of FIV (aka CAT AIDS) carrying fleabags is sort of ridiculous. All feral cats seem adorable, in an Oliver Twist sort of way, until they’re clawing hepatitis into your arms because you tried to love them. Mr. Mistoffelees IS NOT your friend.

My solution to the UF feral cat issue? Release a bunch of alligators on campus and let nature take its course. By the way that can also double as a solution for any Humans vs. Zombies situations on the UF campus. You’re welcome.

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