The University Of Toronto Is Hosting A Student Orgy

Rob Fox12 years ago

When I imagine an orgy, I imagine a sexual free-for-all, a copulation cage match with breasts as far as the eye can see and eight ropers being shot with reckless abandon. The only rule, I assume, is that there are no rules, and that at higher class orgies this single rule is loudly and theatrically announced by a bombastic, ambiguously foreign naked man with a dick shaped scepter, who is wearing ornate jewelry, a jester mask, and a slightly tilted crown.

When I imagine a Canadian orgy, I imagine a lot of eskimo kissing, some OTPHJs (that would be Over The Parka Hand Jobs), and hearing a polite exchange like this:

Guy: Huh-llo dair, mind if I poot the old seal sausage in yoor igloo?

Girl: Oh, no, soorry, that big lumberjack lookin’ fella is my boyfriend. Igloo’s for him only.

Guy: Oh, okay. Don’t worry aboot it.

Girl: Saskatch-you-wanna blow job though?

Guy: HAHA! Yoo’re funny! You betcha!

(*takes off eight layers of clothes, begins to receive the blow job*)

Guy (cont.): Ohh. Ohhhhh. Ohhhhhhh Caaaannnaaaaaadddddaaaaa.

Crazy Canadians and their pun-laced sexual propositions.

I don’t know if that is actually what a Canadian orgy is like, only the 19 swingers in Canada actually know. That is until the University of Toronto decided to host their very own orgy.

It’s being billed online as an epic student sex club adventure — and in other corners of the web, a student orgy.

God, the logistics of walking into a college student orgy are hysterical. Think about when you walk into a regular party. You immediately take stock of the scene, look around for people you know, maybe make a b-line for the bar. Now imagine that instead of everyone dancing and talking, they’re just fucking their brains out. I’d probably still make a b-line to the bar.

The University of Toronto Sexual Education Centre (SEC) is kicking off its annual Sexual Awareness Week next Monday at Oasis Aqua Lounge, a downtown club that bills itself as a water-themed adult playground, where swingers are welcome and sex is allowed everywhere but the hot tub.

A “water-themed” adult playground? Just because you have to hose the entire place down every three hours doesn’t mean it’s “water-themed.” Also, that hot tub has got a to be a seminal fluid crock pot. Stay away from that hot tub. That hot tub has more life brewing in it than that waterfall the alien engineer at the beginning of Prometheus fell into.

“U of T is holding an orgy, and you’re invited! You just need your student ID” one Reddit user posted in a University of Waterloo forum.

University of Waterloo!?! So you don’t even need a University of Toronto ID? Just a “student” ID? This is like when a bar or club has a “college night” and a shit ton of community college kids show up. And I thought banging a girl training to be a dental assistant was easy before.

“Our executive director made it very clear that this is not an orgy, we’re not funding an orgy,” says external education and outreach co-ordinator Dylan Tower

Yes. Yes you are.

“People are allowed to have sex on premise … there is not any type of ‘You should be having sex when you’re here.’ It’s very much, come and enjoy the space, there’s no prodding or pushing in that direction.”

Let’s be real, there’s going to be at least some accidental prodding.

But no, I’m sure the fact that you’re hosting a party at a sex club and that the guests will be treating each other like human revolving doors will in no way give the message, “You should be having sex when you’re here.”

The event begins in the daytime, and organizers are asking students to keep their clothes on until 7 p.m., when the “party becomes clothing-optional so you can get naked with all your new friends.”

Of all the things I want to see at this orgy, the clock striking 7pm might be at the top of the list.

“Yeah soo I decided to major in Cuh-nadian History because I’m a really big fan of reading boring things. I often find myself reading the backs of shampoo bottles, actually. Oh wouldya look at that, it’s 7 o’clock. I’m just gonna take my pants off here. Don’t mind my raging erection and I swear I want to hear all aboot your cat but hows aboot you just suck on my cuck for awhile? Aye?”

The first event is the party at Oasis: the organization rented the club and lowered the price to $5 a person. (Admission for couples is normally $80.)

Five dollars? Five CANADIAN dollars? Everyone at this party is getting the clap. AT LEAST.

The club is four storeys of easy-to-clean surfaces

Please excuse me while I go laugh at that sentence forever.

“Young people often experiment with their sexuality, and we know that many young adults’ conceptualizations of what constitutes a ‘relationship’ has changed over the years.

Something something Manti Te’o.

When asked whether it was a U of T-sanctioned event, and whether the university had any concerns, a spokesperson responded with an emailed statement: “The University will not attempt to censor, control or interfere with any group on the basis of its philosophy, beliefs, interests or opinions expressed, unless and until these lead to activities which are illegal or which infringe the rights and freedoms.”

(*Spokesperson sees email from news outlet, reads email, sees that it’s about a school group sanctioned orgy, opens file “prepared statements –> sex,” opens document “student sponsored orgy,” copies, pastes, sends*)

Spokespeople are prepared for anything.

[via TheStar.com]

Image via TheStar.com