The Weekly Dump: What The Hell Is A Poop Knife?

Socrates Johnson7 years ago

What a run we’ve had here at The Weekly Dump! We’ve laughed together, cried together, and formed friendships that will last a lifetime. It’s been a certified hoot with some knee-slapping thrown in, and I thank you for joining me on this journey.

And, if I just might add, what a wonderful day to ring in the 8th edition of TWD! The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and I’m not as hungover as I was an hour ago. Just wolfed down some frozen crab rangoons, and the old tumtum is giving me the signal that it’s just about that time to take my first shit of the day. Needless to say, it’s a great day to be alive. Let’s get it; let’s go!

Couple’s honeymoon cruise ruined by “poop” shower

From The New York Post:

A couple from Missouri says their honeymoon cruise was ruined by sewage spewing from a shower drain, leaving them to celebrate amid the smell of “poop” inside their cabin.

Christine Parker and John Shoemaker, of St. Louis, detailed their foul experience in November aboard the Carnival Triumph in an interview with the Miami Herald, claiming unsanitary conditions on the 14-deck, 893-foot mega-ship turned what should have been a celebration into a potential health scare.

“We didn’t have a good honeymoon,” Parker told the newspaper. “People expect you to come back so excited and we have been fighting with the Carnival staff and smelling poop in our room. We were exhausted and angry.”

Nothing ruins a honeymoon as quickly as a shit-leaking shower. That being said, this couple probably should’ve thought twice before booking a Carnival excursion in the first place. The cruise line is out there failing health inspections left and right and basically having the worst luck of all time. Just the other day, a woman died after falling from a Carnival cruise ship balcony. Carnival’s risk manager must be getting his shit kicked in during their chapter meetings.

Anyway, I don’t know what Carnival did to wrong the vengeful shaman woman who’s been cursing them with all this terrible juju, but they better make amends quickly or be doomed to an eternity of poop showers.

Why do dogs eat poop? New research suggests an ancient answer

From The Washington Post:

In a new paper, veterinary researchers at University of California at Davis who surveyed thousands of dog owners found 16 percent of pups consume other canines’ feces “frequently,” having been spotted doing it more than six times by their owners. The vast majority prefer their poop to be fresh, or no more than one to two days since deposit.

But why? Google this topic, and you’ll be greeted with pages upon pages of articles offering confident explanations about stress or enzyme deficiencies. But when Benjamin Hart, a veterinarian who directs the Center for Animal Behavior at Davis, took a look at the scientific literature on poop-eating, or coprophagy, he found few answers.

…

So Hart and his co-authors hoped their two surveys, which were completed by nearly 3,000 dog owners, might yield some useful data on the problem. The researchers found no evidence tying coprophagy to age, dietary differences or compulsive behaviors such as tail-chasing. Frequent stool-eaters were also just as easily house-trained as other dogs, which ruled out the idea that they were simply more comfortable with poop than peers with more refined tastes.

But more than 80 percent of the coprophagic dogs were reported to favor feces no more than two days old. Hart believes this taste for freshness suggests a cause that goes back more than 15,000 years — to dogs’ wolf ancestors.

I have never once seen a pupper eat their own poop. Not once. This is clearly #FakeNews perpetrated by Big Feline to try and besmirch the name of good boys everywhere, and I, for one, will not stand for it.

I was 22 years old when I learned that not every family has a poop knife

From Reddit:

My family poops big. Maybe it’s genetic, maybe it’s our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won’t flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.

Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out “hey, can you get me the poop knife”?

I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.

Fast forward to 22. It’s been a day or two between poops and I’m over at my friend’s house. My friend was the local dealer and always had ‘guests’ over, because you can’t buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it’s a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.

“My what?”

Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please.

“Wtf is a poop knife?”

Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it.

He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML.

I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn’t cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes.

She will be getting her own utility knife now.

[Edit: Common question – Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn’t have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn’t. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]

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[via New York Post, Washington Post, and Reddit]

Image via Free Stock Photos