There’s A Fucking NFL Game Tonight
Finally. No longer will SportsCenter be dominated by Dominican men in flat bills flailing around to catch little white balls with red stitching. The age of groundouts and pop flies is over. The time for touchdowns and titties has come.
There’s a fucking NFL game tonight.
Just when the ass-shaped indentation in your couch was beginning to fade, and your girlfriend was kinda starting to like you again, football returns in all its glory. Bone-crushing sacks. Infuriating pass interference calls. Face-caving stiff arms. Totally unwarranted challenge flags. Mind-boggling clock management. Inexplicable interceptions. All the things you love and hate and miss more than your dead grandmother, they’re all back.
And thankfully, tonight’s game is a pretty good one: Seahawks and Packers. The defending champs, fresh off a Super Bowl win in which they thoroughly embarrassed the most proficient offensive team in league history, up against Aaron Rodgers and the Packers. A truly elite quarterback squaring off with what might be the most terrifying defense I’ve ever seen. Are you fully erect yet? I am.
You know the NFL is doing it right when a diehard fan of the only team currently toting a 14-game losing streak is so pumped about the season that he wants to Hulk Hogan his t-shirt. I don’t even care that Ryan Fitzpatrick is the starting quarterback for the Texans, and I’ve made peace with the fact that finishing 8-8 this season would be viewed as a massive step forward. I just want to see Jadeveon Clowney and J.J. Watt sever Andrew Luck’s head from his body. Actually, fuck no I don’t, because Luck is the starting quarterback on one of my fantasy teams.
Holy shit! Fantasy football! How am I just now mentioning fantasy football? There’s nothing better than talking an endless stream of shit to a close friend or coworker just because your imaginary online football team pounded his imaginary online football team. What a magical time we live in. My priorities are already so mixed up that I have no idea who to root for tonight. I took the Packers +6, have Seattle’s defense in fantasy, and despise Pete Carroll as a human being. No matter who wins, I win. Or maybe I lose. Does it really matter? FOOTBALL.
So prepare your mind, because there’s a fucking NFL game tonight. I might wear tear away pants to the bar just so I can rip them off and do the shmoney dance after the first big hit.
Just hope they don’t sign Fitz to a huge deal. Otherwise he will become more disappointing than my sex life
10 years ago at 2:38 pmThere is absolutely zero chance of that happening.
10 years ago at 2:39 pmWe feel the same way about Fail Friday being posted before noon tomorrow, Intern.
10 years ago at 2:53 pmI’ve been sitting here for 5 minutes contemplating how it’s possible for anybody to have a disappointing sex life at the mecca of Poontangling. What grade level do you read at?
10 years ago at 3:00 pmYeah, no way.
10 years ago at 4:51 pmGo Pack Go
10 years ago at 2:45 pmPre-Game Predictions:
10 years ago at 2:49 pm-They will mention Richard Sherman’s upbringing at least two times
-The Fail Mary will be shown approximately seven times
-The oldest announcer will mention “You know, Rodgers is good, but Favre..” at least three times
-The Packers win by 14 because Seattle fans are waaaaaaaaaay too into themselves
This is incredibly accurate
10 years ago at 4:11 pmAlso because I drafted Cobb…
10 years ago at 8:04 pmLol at the rest of the NFL… The Seahawks are even better than last year!
10 years ago at 11:08 pmJust watched the game. Absolutely none of that happened.
10 years ago at 11:40 pmAJ Hawk, Julius Peppers, Clay Matthews and Tramon Williams. The Four Horseman of the North have come to fuck up the 12th Man and Seahawk Nation. Go Pack.
10 years ago at 3:16 pmNo no they didn’t, in fact they gave up 36 points and let Marshawn Lynch run all over them like a bunch of pansies.
10 years ago at 2:25 pmSo basically you hate baseball and therefore America?
10 years ago at 3:20 pmThat was pretty much my first thought. I don’t really give a shit how much I get lapped, I’m really not into football. I’m much more looking forward to the MLB play-offs, and my team is already statistically out (as they are most years…the Mets).
10 years ago at 4:30 pmI don’t hate baseball, but the time of the year when baseball is the only major sport in season and therefore dominates SportsCenter is a dumpster fire.
10 years ago at 4:49 pmIt’s really not the only major sport (especially this past summer) but there’s really no point in elaborating.
10 years ago at 6:12 pmSorry, but you must not watch much ESPN. The first half of the summer was dominated by the World Cup and the LeBron decision. The second half? Football preseason (see: any Michael Sam excerpt). Baseball gets no attention from ESPN except for the games during the week.
10 years ago at 7:16 pmBaseball doesn’t dominate sportscenter, the NBA does even when baseball is in season
10 years ago at 7:41 pmHey did you guys know Richard Sherman went to Stanford?! That needs to be mentioned every time he makes an ass out of himself.
Fuck the Hawks.
10 years ago at 3:25 pmSeahawks can suck a dick.
10 years ago at 3:26 pmThat’s the last time I trust a link with “touchdowns and titties” in its name
10 years ago at 3:46 pmI want to have Aaron Rodgers’ baby.
10 years ago at 5:27 pmChris Collinsworth is a huge piece of shit, he’ll for sure bring up Farve 3+
10 years ago at 7:38 pm