Those Guys in Every Fraternity
13 years ago

Today I’d like to take a step back and highlight a few of the characters that you’re bound to see beneath every fraternity house roof. While typically there is a massive amount of diversity between houses, these three characters always seem to surface, and make your house better (or at least more interesting) in the process.

The Super, Super Senior

This character just found it a little too hard to move on to the “real world,” and is instead spending his sixth year partaking in fraternal excellence. This brother has been around so long that he’s got the art of hazing down to a science. He knows exactly how to make pledges do what he wants, and it isn’t uncommon to see his boots being painstakingly cleaned while the pledges silently curse his name. He probably runs the house fantasy football league, as he’s been a part of it since fantasy football was actually invented. You’d think this guy might become busy with the whole “I really should graduate and get the fuck out of here” thing, but he remains immune, and attends nearly every meal and social. Not to mention that on a regular night he drinks enough that Hunter S. Thompson would be concerned for his health. Some call him lazy, others say he just worked the system, but regardless he is there and can lead to some damn good stories.

Mr. Exec

This brother, for some reason, gets off solely on his ability to gain positions and have power in the house. He may have started off as a lowly Risk Management Chair, annoying people with his surplus of concern, but each semester he slowly rises through the ranks, and consequently gains more responsibility. While it is commendable to want to hold a position and improve your fraternity internally, this brother makes it his sole purpose for existence, and sometimes it gets a little weird. While the rest of us simply are in the constant pursuit of a good time, this brother makes every day a mission to achieve his executive position’s purpose, and make sure everyone else notices him doing it. Sometimes, you wish you could just shake this character and yell “Lighten up!” but it’s like talking to an over-involved wall. Just don’t vote this kid as president, cause God knows it will go to his head, and you’ll never hear the end of it.

The “I Dare You” Brother

This is a brother you should always approach with caution. By day, he may seem like a normal upstanding member of society. He always comes to chapter, says a few things, and carries along his away unassumingly. But as soon as alcohol touches his lips, he becomes a horrific maelstrom of recklessness leaving absolutely no one safe. For some reason, this brother instantly accelerates his mindset to “invincible” and accepts any dare presented to him with open arms. Any chance to climb up a building is happily taken, no matter the height. You want to see someone funnel whiskey? The “I Dare You” Brother is an obvious choice. It might be because mentally he’s a few cans short of a twelve pack. It might be because he just has no concern for his own life or well being. Whatever it is, having a brother like this can be damn entertaining, as long as you don’t let him do anything actually dangerous (daring him to write his name in lighter fluid and ignite it, for instance, is a bad idea).

These are just a few of the ridiculous human beings you are bound to encounter in fraternity life, and there are countless more. Each one’s unique vices bring a hilarious edge to every house party, and when combined in the same room you’re bound to have something to laugh your ass off about tomorrow. Keep an eye out for more upcoming columns, where I’ll target a few more guys that every fraternity knows a little too well.