Three Naked Florida College Guys Broke Into A Burger Place And Stole A Ton Of Food
10 years ago

wtf1

Talk about smuggling meat, amiright?!?!? Shit, that lede probably works better on TSM.

Three days ago, three college guys broke into Doc’s Beach House in Bonita Beach, Florida in the middle of the night and stole a whole lot of food, plus a paddle board. Also, for reasons unknown, they were naked.

The three “Naked Bandits” — which is, incidentally, what the criminals call themselves in the porno version of “Home Alone” — made off with 60 hamburger patties, three pounds of bacon, three red peppers, and a paddle board they took off the wall, robbing the restaurant of a key piece of their Jimmy Buffett-style wall flair crap. HOW WILL THE CUSTOMERS KNOW THEY’RE EATING NEAR A BEACH NOW!? They may as well be eating a burger in fucking Ohio. The food can be replaced, but the experience is one of a kind, you heartless bastards.

Just doing Florida stuff.
Just doing Florida stuff.

If this happened in September, it would be safe to assume these were pledges on some dumb mission given to them by a drunk active who probably wouldn’t even remember he sent them by the time they got back. However, being that it’s July, the suspects are a little more difficult to peg. Florida Gulf Coast University is just up I-75 from Doc’s, so it’s decently safe to assume the burger thieves came from there. Maybe these were just three shitfaced, bored fraternity guys who wanted to stock the barren summer fridge? Most fraternity houses are a vast collection of the fruits of misdemeanors, after all. That doesn’t really explain the nakedness though. But hey, they were near the beach, and skinny dipping with your bros can really work up your appetite…I guess. Giggling splash fights really wear you out. Or, perhaps this is sports team hazing? The main problem with that theory is that FGCU doesn’t have a lot of fall sports. There’s cross country and that’s pretty much it. Dammit, who are these naked bandits? Seeing how there is ample security footage of the meat stealing (and swinging) trio, we’ll probably find out soon.

Wouldn’t mind sitting in the courtroom and listening to the judge react to the details of this case, that’s for sure. Though, this is Florida. Judges in that state is probably happy any time a crime doesn’t involve bath salt suppositories or midgets used as drug mules being eaten by the escaped, dangerous, and exotic pets of a coke lord.

[via News-Press.com]

    1. MostLapsEver

      I disagree on several reasons. For one, Yesterday, December 7, 1941—a date which will live in infamy—the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.

      The United States was at peace with that nation, and, at the solicitation of Japan, was still in conversation with its government and its emperor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific. Indeed, one hour after Japanese air squadrons had commenced bombing in the American island of Oahu, the Japanese ambassador to the United States and his colleague delivered to our secretary of state a formal reply to a recent American message. While this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of war or armed attack.

      It will be recorded that the distance of Hawaii from Japan makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time the Japanese government has deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.

      The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian Islands has caused severe damage to American naval and military forces. I regret to tell you that very many American lives have been lost. In addition, American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu.

      Yesterday the Japanese government also launched as attack against Malaya.

      Last night Japanese forces attacked Hong Kong.

      Last night Japanese forces attacked Guam.

      Last night Japanese forces attacked the Philippine Islands.

      Last night Japanese forces attacked Wake Island.

      And this morning the Japanese attacked Midway Island.

      Japan has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of yesterday and today speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation.

      As commander in chief of the Army and Navy I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense. But always will our whole nation remember the character of the onslaught against us. . .

      10 years ago at 1:28 pm
  4. Beta Theta Phrat

    Figured this kind of story would happen in san francisco before it would in florida

    10 years ago at 12:38 pm
  5. Virginia Gentleman

    If they were about 10-15 years younger, Dorn would have broken this story.

    10 years ago at 12:40 pm
  7. MostLapsEver

    Hey Bacon! Remember when i snuck into your house and ate out your mom naked hahaha

    10 years ago at 12:51 pm
    1. Kate_Hikes

      Such a classic frat move. I filmed it so Bacon hit me up and I’ll sell you the tape real cheap!

      10 years ago at 8:10 am