To Our Knowledge, Furman University’s New “Summa Cum Latte” Café Won’t Serve Semen Beverages

Jared Borislow9 years ago

I worked semi-hard in college in an attempt to earn a high enough GPA so as to be able to bear the words “Summa Cum Laude” next to my name in the graduation booklet. For those unaware, this distinction — the highest denotation of academic excellence one can achieve — also happens to be a jumping-off point for a lot of funny jizz jokes, and I wanted to be a member of this dual scholarship/immaturity fraternity. Due to the stiff competition shoved down my throat by my peers, however, I just couldn’t pump out the requisite grades to earn such an honor when it came time for me to push my rope tassel to the other side of my mortarboard. It was truly a shame, and a load I must bear for the rest of my days. Luckily, however, I can still bask in the hilarity of this joke as an outsider.

An anonymous student at Furman University in Greenville, South Carolina sent us in the following tip; an email sent out to all Furman faculty, staff, and students announcing the official name of the new library café that will open there in August.

What a piece of beauty this entire email is. Do we think Susie and Professor Rawlings both submitted this innuendo as a joke, or are they really so academic that they can hear the phrase “Summa Cum Latte” and not immediately picture a frothy glass of cumffee? I pray it’s the former.

My favorite part about this email erected by Furman Director of Libraries Janis Bandelin is that she made such a big deal out of explaining the rigorous selection process Summa Cum Latte inexplicably made its way through unscathed. The Cafe Naming Committee (huge resume booster), Library Committee, Library Student Advisory Group, Director of Auxiliary Services, Chair of the Faculty, Chair of the Staff Advisory Council, District Manager for Bon Appetite, Senior Adminstrative Team, University President, and University First Gentleman all looked at this name and didn’t care about the whole “jizzy java” business. By my count, that’s (VERY conservatively) 25 people minimum who either didn’t see the very clear (I guess cloudy is a more appropriate adjective here) ejaculation reference or didn’t think college students would make jokes about it. Unfathomable… and incredible.

If I’m a Furman Paladin, I can’t wait to toss back Summa frothy, piping hot Cum Latte come August.

P.S. I placed 9 hidden dick references in this article. Can you find them?.

***UPDATE 5/1/17 2:48 CST***

Looks like Furman finally caught on and may change the name now…

***END UPDATE***

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