Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Divorce
12 years ago

Katie Holmes filed for divorce from Tom Cruise this week, just over 5 years after they tied the knot back in 2006. There are many different factors that could explain why Holmes would want a divorce from the soon to be 50 year old eccentric, likely gay, rabid cult member. Tom’s 50th birthday is just four days away and vicious rumors are swirling that the 33 year old Holmes just felt too young for ol’ Maverick. It’s also likely, however, that she was tired of receiving requests to shove lamps and beer bottles up Tom’s b-hole during sex. We can’t know for sure but, I mean… probably it was that. OR the batshit crazy religion he was no doubt forcing on the family. Apparently Katie wasn’t down with praying to L. Ron and cursing Xenu’s evil name.

Regardless, the divorce is certainly sad news for any and all Top Gun, Mission Impossible, and Dawson’s Creek lovers. This is strike 3 for Cruise in the marriage department (strike 3, you’re gay!), and Katie’s first divorce. The child from their marriage, Suri is only 6 and is now all but guaranteed to be yet another rebellious product of the upbringing of a Hollywood love child from a broken home. Holmes is seeking sole legal and primary residential custody of Suri, whom she no doubt hopes to prevent from being artificially inseminated with L. Ron Hubbard’s frozen seamen.

As far as Tom goes, I can only imagine how Scientologists repent for Divorce. I can’t cite any academic sources but I’m pretty sure Cruise will have to drink 3 quarts of blood drawn from a virgin lamb and then sleep facing the planet Tralfamadore for the next 4 years.

Yep, Tom’s going through the Big D, and will probably be looking for another big D up and down Sunset Blvd for years to come. I can only hope that Tom will find happiness in this new but predictable chapter of his life, and that nude pictures of Katie Holmes will surface on the internet here in the next couple of years months days.

  • [via E!]