Total Frat Graduation Moves

Jared Borislow10 years ago

As some of you may know, I graduate from the hallowed cyber-halls of the prestigious DeVry University in just a little over two weeks. All I have left to do is finish up my senior thesis, which is a meta-analysis of Creed’s hit song “Higher” and its hidden commentary advocating the legalization of medical marijuana. It’s pretty fascinating stuff.

Can you take me higher? To a place where blind men see? Can you take me higher? To a place with golden streets?

When Scott Stapp asks if someone can take him higher, he is clearly soliciting marijuana. Dude’s tryna get blazed. Then, after getting the audience in the mindset that he is just trying to get baked for no reason other than the fact that he is a degenerate, Stapp notes that this high place is so magical that it has the power to make blind men see. Blind men with…glaucoma, perhaps? Whose vision is being aided by the use of medical marijuana smoked through Stapp’s weedbong named the Golden Street? I delve into this issue and more in my thesis. Check it out. Should be in a few thousand scholarly journals come August.

Graduation marks the end of the undergraduate fraternal career, so it’s imperative that you frat rock (like party rock, but frat) before, during and after your commencement ceremony to commemorate the past 4-8 years of narrowly avoiding death, STDs, cleaver-wielding butcher shop owners who are pissed that you drunkenly stole their last lamb shank, and school work. Here’s how you can do just that.

1. Decorating the top of your cap with the words “If you can read this, I’m munching your box” written in big, block letters. TFGM.
2. This guy. TFGM.
3. Handing a card to the speaker that claims your normal-looking name is actually pronounced “Slambanger McPickleinsertion.” TFGM.
4. Not knowing how to attach your tassel to your cap because you’ve only ever seen them attached to nipples. TFGM.
5. Not having anything on under your gown except for a raging erection. TFGM.
6. Graduating with a Bachelor’s degree in nepotism. TFGM.
7. Sewing the Polo Ralph Lauren logo onto your gown. TFGM.
8. Better yet, doing this. TFGM.
   

   cut my gown cause niggas gotta see that polo pic.twitter.com/JL9g1MWnQn

   — ian (@ugly_ian) June 8, 2014

9. Claiming that you threw your cap higher than everyone else and getting unjustifiably offended when somebody contradicts you. TFGM.
10. Putting your victory cigar out on your slam’s incredibly expensive graduation dress. TFGM.
11. The university not knowing where to sit you at commencement because you are receiving an undergraduate degree but are older than most of the grad students. TFGM.
12. Formally requesting that the university play Wagon Wheel in lieu of the graduation march. TFGM.
13. Wearing Heelys and Heelying across the stage when your name is called. TFGTC.
14. Insisting that the “B.S.” in your Bachelor of Science degree stands for “Butt Stuff.” TFGM.
15. Sprinting across stage because all the GDIs need to know your 40 time absolutely blows theirs out of the water. TFGM.
16. Referring to your “gown” by the synonym “frock” for obvious reasons. TFGM.
17. Seeing how many times you can walk across the stage before the university escorts you out of the building. TFGM.
18. Booing everyone who receives a degree in French. TFGM.
19. Smacking the chancellor’s ass after taking your picture with her on stage. TFGM.
20. Never graduating. It’s a TFGM..