Total Online Frat Moves

Jared Borislow12 years ago

Appearance is everything. I couldn’t care less what I think of me; all that matters is what others think of me. It’s called image, you guys, and if you don’t care about it, you’re seriously deluded. Seriously deluded. Do you know the kinds of people who don’t care about image? Losers, squares, rubes, philistines, peasants, hemophiliacs… the list goes on. And trust me, it’s not a list you want to be a part of.

Want to see if you care about image? Here’s a test.

There’s a cute little baby goat in front of you. He’s got little horns, little hoofsies, and his “bahhhh” just melts your heart. He’s even got an adorable punny name, like “Bahhhxter” or something. This little bugger is always happy, frolicking around the farm without a care in the world.

You’ve got two choices:

1. You have sex with Bahhhxter, and nobody ever finds out.
2. You don’t have sex with Bahhhxter, but everybody thinks you did.

It seems like a lose-lose, right? Damned if you do, damned if you don’t?

WRONG

Obviously, you pick option 1. Why? Because image fucking matters. If you’re not an NF cheesedick, you should care so much about your image that you’d have sex with a goat just so nobody thinks you had sex with a goat. It’s a TFM, nerds. Also, I’ve been looking for an excuse to have sex with a goat for a while. I’ve heard they’re some bahhhd bitches. LOL!

Why all this talk about image? It’s come to my attention that some of you guys don’t think I’m frat. Now, those of you who know me and know what I’m all about (#KONY2013, anyone?) know that’s just straight bullhonkey… sheer Bolshevism… utter MALARKEY! I’m way frat, guys!!! Just because I go to an online university (accredited, mind you) doesn’t mean I don’t #party like the rest of you. In order to drive this point home (hopefully not Ted Kennedy style), I’ve compiled a list of 20 “Total Online Frat Moves.” Take a look at how the other half lives.

1. When your frathound is a Neopet. TOFM.

2. Accepting “my internet was down” as a valid excuse for missing chapter functions. TOFM.

3. Reporting rival fraternities’ Facebook pages as spam. TOFM.

4. Never having to give house tours. TOFM.

5. E-Board. NF. eBoard. TOFM.

6. When FreeRice.com is your only philanthropy. TOFM.

7. Not wearing pants to any event. TOFTC.

8. What do we have in common with our computers? We both assign bitties values of either “0” or “1.” TOFM.

9. Putting your bathrobe on during ritual meetings. TOFM.

10. Not having a campus to be kicked off of. TOFM.

11. “I haven’t talked to a girl sober in 3 years.” TFTC. “I haven’t talked to a girl.” TOFM.

12. e-Viting girls to formal. TOFM.

13. Having to use the honor system when hazing your pledges. TOFM.

14. Chat Roulette being the closest you come to a random hookup. TOFM.

15. That brother who lives in India. TOFM.

16. When “Fraternity Row” is a drop-down menu. TOFM.

17. Stealing flash drives with .jpgs of composites on them. TOFM.

18. Monitoring the new Facebook friendships on sorority bid day. TOFM.

19. Being top house without having a house. TOFM.

20. When a girl in an AIM chatroom is all like, “I’m seventeen” as you send her the head nod emoji and gift her an e-drink as you drive three hours to her house to bang before Chris Hansen tells you to “Take a seat, right over there.” It’s a TOFM.