Ts and Ps For This Horny Florida Dude Who Royally Botched A Booty Call

Socrates Johnson8 years ago

Bae: Come over.
Me: I’m stuck in traffic.
Bae: My parents aren’t home and it’s ass eating szn.
Me:

From The Smoking Gun:

A Florida motorist told police that he was in such a rush to meet his girlfriend for a sexual encounter that he did not notice that a cop car with its lights flashing and siren sounding tried to pull him over for speeding and reckless driving.

After spotting a Honda Accord barreling through a Clearwater neighborhood late Saturday night, a patrolman in an unmarked car activated the vehicle’s emergency lights and siren in an attempt to pull over the speeding car.

We here at TFM would like to be the first to send our sincerest thoughts and prayers out to poor 18-year-old Ruben Hughes, who got himself mercilessly cockblocked by the long arm of the law. If you didn’t at least shed a single tear after reading that tragic story, then you’ve clearly never been so close to poundtown only to have the opportunity snatched away by shitty, shitty luck.

If there’s any humor to be gleaned from this truly unfortunate situation, though, it’s the exact wording of Ruben’s excuse to responding officers.

Hughes explained that he was “trying to meet his girlfriend for relations and he was trying to get there,” the complaint notes.

You’ve got to respect the effort here. You know damn well that Ruben has never used the word “relations” to describe fucking in his life. But when you’re trying to get the cops to cut you a break, sometimes you need to sound a little more like human glass of milk Mike Pence and a little less like a horny teenager. You’re certainly not going to ingratiate yourself with police if you tell them that the reason for your vehicular indiscretion was because you were on your way to “pound some V.”

Alas, the officers saw right through the fancy wordplay and our tragic hero Ruben went home with negative sexing and charges for speeding, reckless driving, and eluding a police officer. A sad, sad tale indeed.

But wait! Apparently this wasn’t Ruben’s first rodeo.

Hughes’s rap sheet includes three separate speeding convictions in the past 14 months. He was also arrested in February on a vehicle burglary charge, but prosecutors later dropped the felony case.

Hey, Ruben — little word of advice for you, pal.

Just. Slow. Down..

[via The Smoking Gun]

Image via Moody Air Force Base