UFC Champion Jon Jones Goes To Rehab Because He Doesn’t Know How Cocaine Works
11 years ago

UFC Champ Jon Jones Goes To Rehab Because He Doesn't Know How Cocaine Works

It pains me when athletes fuck up things that are really easy not to fuck up. Why any of them get DUIs or miss practice because of a party just baffles me. There are very few things that an athlete is responsible for outside of his job, so when any of them fuck up one of those simple things, it just makes me slap my head. In this case, the athlete in question is Jon “Bones” Jones, the reigning UFC light heavyweight champion and a contender for the “scariest man in the world” title. Prior to defending his title last weekend, Jones failed a drug test and has entered rehab since the fight. Why was he allowed to fight if he failed a drug test? Because he didn’t test positive for PEDs. He tested positive for cocaine.

That’s right. Coke–the drug that leaves no trace in your body after three days. Look, I’m not begrudging Bones for dipping his schnoz in Bolivian power flour; the Lord knows I’ve had my fair share of interactions with the white substance. But I didn’t get my snort on less than three fucking days before a time in my life when I knew FOR A FACT that I would be tested. Hell, when was weigh-in relative to this test? Given the number of fluids he was expelling from his body to cut weight, he very well might have been cramming powder up his booger cave in the car before going in to be tested.

I’m not going to make any assumptions about whether Bones has an actual booger sugar problem or if this is a PR move, but my guess is that if you can’t keep your face vacuum away from the metaphorical white girl long enough to pass a test you know is coming, then you probably have a problem. Best of luck at Promises or wherever you are, Bones. You still terrify me, even if you are hilariously dumb.

[via MMA Junkie]

Image via YouTube

  2. Bluto_TFM

    “But the TFM book told me the easiest place to hide cocaine was in my bloodstream?” – Bones Jones

    11 years ago at 8:55 pm
  7. cockslover69

    Key bumps are appropriate to take before a multitude of tests. This is not one of them.

    11 years ago at 9:40 pm
  8. GoodbyeNormalStreet

    Even though I don’t watch MMA anymore bc of how douchey the sport has gotten, I’m still assuming Jon Jones is probably the best fighter in the world. He’s an incredible athlete, but he’s also a huge piece of shit. Just about everybody he fights calls him out on being the little bitch he is as a person, but unfortunately he has the length and athleticism to dominate most people in the world in a cage. Hopefully sooner rather than later someone’ll come through the ranks and rough him up.

    This has nothing to do with his use of cocaine. I couldn’t careless about that, I just thought this was a great opportunity to explain how this guy is the scum of the earth.

    11 years ago at 10:37 pm
  10. Evan24

    I expected this kind of ignorance in regards to professional sports from a Helmet Stickers article but was pleasantly surprised to see it from you, Cooper. Athletes deal with more then you could even imagine. I narrowed it down to just “athletes” because based on your history I know anything remotely physical just isn’t your game. If you have anything close to good cocaine, you would know that it is in your body for four days and not three. Take your ignorance to a place where people don’t know better. Maybe then you will find some peers who almost respect you.

    11 years ago at 1:17 am