USA Gets Shafted In World Cup Draw
12 years ago

If there’s one thing I love about America other than freedom, capitalism, college ball, BBQ, Kenny Powers, and fake tits, it is our fantastic history of giving the rest of the world the middle finger and doing whatever we want. Well, the rest of the world just gave it back.

The United States just got seeded into the worst group possible for next summer’s World Cup, alongside powerhouse Germany, Crisiano Ronaldo’s Portugal, and Ghana, who we seem to constantly lose to. On top of that, we’re tied for the worst travel schedule over the entire World Cup, having to trek 9,000 miles across third-world Brazil to get from stadium to stadium.

Fuck.

As Americans, this is the first time we’ve thought of Germany since the ’40s and the only time we’ve ever even heard of Portugal or Ghana, much less been intimidated by the trio. Soccer is what it is, but our team truly isn’t bad and the World Cup is a great excuse to throw on America gear and get blacked out while yelling at the television. Hell, we play enough FIFA to at least know what’s going on these days. Now though, it’s going to be one hell of a tough ride, and sports fans nationwide have the chance of being crushed by a sport they didn’t even care about in the first place.

All was not lost in the World Cup Draw, however. Amidst the disappointing results and the incoherent accents, one thing stood true. One thing that can unite all nations together under a common cause.

No, not soccer. The stage girl’s chest beefers:

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Image via Sport-It

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  2. the_alpha_Tau

    Looks like we got Germany in round 1. We already kicked their asses in W-W-2, cheerio let’s do it again.

    12 years ago at 2:51 pm
    4. DrunkWithFunk21

      We kicked their ass in two world wars. AND made them pay for it after. cause the US is TFTPay for the damage we cause

      12 years ago at 8:23 pm
    5. FratOn1

      Using a British phrase. NF. Not knowing what round your country plays in. Even worse.

      12 years ago at 1:32 pm
  4. Mr President 2036

    While the group as whole and the travel is certainly a challenge, the group play schedule actually sets up nicely for the USA. Playing Germany last is definitely a benefit, hopefully the Krauts will have won their first 2 matches, securing their advancement, and choose to rest some of their stars against the USA in the final group match. The big game for the USA is against Portugal, the winner most likely takes the 2nd spot in the group.

    12 years ago at 3:02 pm
    1. Inebriation

      The way that they’ve been playing over the last few months tells me that we’ll beat Ghana with relative ease, but we have no defenders capable of containing Ronaldo.. hell most La Liga defenders can’t. Only way we beat them is if Bradley plays off his ass, controls the midfield over Muntinho.

      12 years ago at 3:22 pm
    2. Mr President 2036

      The first set of matches will set the stage for the remaining group play. The USA should beat Ghana and one would expect Germany to top Portugal. Having a 3 point lead on Portugal going into that match would be a huge boost for the USA. And while Ronaldo is other-worldly, the USA should be able to press forward plenty with our strong midfield players. I actually expect a draw with Portugal, putting us in a solid position going into the Germany match.

      12 years ago at 4:45 pm
    3. BellushiTFM

      You always root for your country no matter what the event. Hell, I rooted for the women’s luge team.

      12 years ago at 8:36 pm
  6. CostaDelMarsBar

    If you look at the World Cup logo at the top closely it looks like someone facepalming. What is seen can’t be unseen

    12 years ago at 3:15 pm
  9. Fratisfied

    I’d rather watch a meaningless late spring baseball game between the Rockies and Padres.

    12 years ago at 4:14 pm
  11. RichLaxBro

    World Cup = Women only wearing Body Paint
    Sorority girls should start painting up = Rush Boobs without Sail Boats

    12 years ago at 4:31 pm