Waffle House Shows Its World Cup Support For America, Denounces Belgian Waffles

Nathaniel Light10 years ago

The US Men’s National Team isn’t doing horribly in the World Cup. It’s as surprising as it is exciting. So in this excitement, the whole of the United States is jumping on the bandwagon. And why not? We’re just looking for more excuses to drink before noon and to wear patriotic shit, and if that isn’t American, I don’t know what is.

Businesses are jumping aboard, eager to take advantage of the craze. Budweiser came out with a kickass gold aluminum bottle. Bars across the United States are hosting watch parties. Rowdy Gentleman even made a World Cup tank, because capitalism.

And while shots are being fired across the pond from the Belgian Prime Minister to Barry O, the United States is capable of playing dirty too. Of course, Obama can’t really do anything right, so instead, Waffle House is coming to the defense of the U.S. of A. Waffle House has officially denounced Belgian waffles.

Urging Americans and waffle aficionados alike to boycott Belgian waffles, Waffle House claims they sell “American waffles.” Fuckin’ right they do. And they’ve got the proof to back up their claim, too.

Not to delve too far into the science of waffles, but American waffles are clearly better than Belgian waffles. Belgian waffles have a broader grid and much deeper pockets. They’re fine, but they are an inferior product.

Waffle House, on the other hand, does waffles the American way. They serve their waffles covered with melted butter, doused in high fructose corn syrup and served with a side of freedom (also, glorious hash browns). With a heavier texture and smaller pockets, these waffles offer breakfast lovers a greater degree of butter distribution and a more consistent eating experience. I exercise my American right to eat like shit.

I understand that to most of us, Waffle House is just that sticky 24-hour shit-hole where we go to get a late night meal when we’re blacked out, but this act of patriotism definitely ups their game.

So next time you order waffles, I urge you to ask your waitress to make them extra American, and be sure to catch Tuesday’s game at your Waffle House. It’s what our forefathers would have wanted.*

*Waffle House doesn’t have televisions, and is a horrible place to go watch the World Cup, but a fantastic place to eat drunk food after you’re done imbibing for the game.

[via Twitter]