What 11 More Celebrities Were Like In College Based On Their Fraternity Composite Photos

Jared Borislow8 years ago

6. David Letterman – Sigma Chi, Ball State University

They say the neckbeard makes the man, and David Letterman’s neckbeard game is strong to quite strong. Pair that with his ability to talk to anyone and I’d have told you David Letterman had to have been his chapter’s perennial rush chairman. Check out that title on the composite, though. Magister. More common title? Pledge master. I have no trouble believing Letterman told the pledges “you’re so fucked” either, since he literally fucked one of his interns, the pledges of the working world.

I’ve always been low key scared of the man, which is why I stuck to NBC’s late night lineup growing up. The Late Show just wasn’t for me. It was David’s soulless demeanor and gap tooth, paired with Paul Shaffer’s terrifyingly bald dome, that had me choosing Jay Leno and his comfortingly humongous chin instead. Dude has me feeling uncomfortable and I’ve never even met him, I can’t even imagine what he’d do to his pledges.

Read more about David Letterman’s relationship with Sigma Chi here.

7. Cole Swindell – Sigma Chi, Georgia Southern University

Part of the reason country singer Cole Swindell’s career took off is because of his fraternity brother, Luke Bryan — Swindell sold merchandise and wrote songs for Bryan before his own solo career took off. There must be something in the water at the GSU Sigma Chi house (aside from the lead and fracking oil that’s present in most southern fraternities’ water supplies).

Take a look at that fucking mullet. As a college student, Cole Swindell, like his hair, was business in the front and party in the back. In saying that, I of course mean that Swindell engaged in copious amounts of butt stuff. Who cares if it’s just a wig? I stand by what I said.

8. Rob Corddry – Theta Chi, University of Massachusetts Amherst

A little trivia for you: when Rob Corddry left The Daily Show in 2006, do you know who his replacement was? None other than Rob Riggle, who appears earlier in this column. Small world.

Very stoic picture here from the Hot Tub Time Machine star and Childrens Hospital mastermind. It’s a shame that he went bald, because college Robby Rob had a great head of hair. When you live fast, though, you die hard. Hair that great don’t stay great when you are great. I imagine the bizarre thoughts rolling through Rob’s beautiful brain at all times were too much for his flow, which couldn’t take the close proximity and decided to jump ship. I mean, have you seen Childrens Hospital? It’s what I imagine Scrubs looks like after you take 4 tabs of acid, lick a toad, and then suck on an 18-wheeler’s exhaust pipe for 15 minutes. It’s glorious.

I bet Rob was that one brother who wasn’t the official pledge educator, but who’d always think up the most insane, absurd, “who the hell thinks of this stuff?” pledge tasks. The kinda guy who you knew was responsible if you were ever at chapter and forced to sit through a a pledge-produced shot-for-shot remake of Luis Buñuel’s “Un chien andalou” created entirely out of 45,689 still frames shot on a Game Boy Camera.

9. Cory Gardner – FarmHouse, Colorado State University

Unless you follow politics fairly closely, you’ve probably never heard of Cory Gardner, the junior United States Senator from Colorado. In the probable case that you’re uninformed with regard to the man himself, here’s all you need to know about him to know that he’s frat.

1. He switched from Democrat to Republican in college.

2. He was a Ram Handler at Colorado State University, meaning he helped care for CAM the Ram, the school’s live mascot.

3. He got called out by Obama at this year’s White House Correspondents’ Association dinner. Skip ahead to 5:45 in the below video.

Cory’s a United States Senator, so I’m assuming he was that brother who spread himself so thin by joining 39 different student organizations that he didn’t always have enough time for the fraternity. He probably ended up 3/8 on formal appearances. He met every pledge, but not until at least halfway through each of their pledging semesters. It was all fine, though. Having a Ram Handler in the house was great for recruitment, and I have a feeling Cory was pretty adept at handling more than just rams as well. I’m of course talking about sex, and how Cory G had it.

10. Sam Brownback – Alpha Gamma Rho, Kansas State University

Legendary. Fucking. Fro. Continuing on with the Kansas theme that this column somehow took on, incumbent Kansas Governor Sam Brownback was a brother of KSU’S AGR chapter. As an undergrad, Brownback served as KSU’s student body president, meaning he led a legion of Wildcats to glory with that furry dome of his. So ’70s it hurts. It’s a good hurt though, like wiggling a loose tooth, or having your cubes put in a kung-fu grip by a performer at a ping pong show.

Unlike Gardner, I think Brownback probably remained steadfastly devoted to his fraternity despite being heavily involved on campus. Look at that face. It just screams “for the boys.” Dude was beloved by his chapter and the campus at large. You go, Browny.

11. Guy Fieri – Alpha Tau Omega, University of Nevada, Las Vegas

If you’re a fan of the site, you already know how I feel about Guy Fieri. Dude’s a first ballot frat hall of famer. Gardner and Browny might be a senator and governor respectively, but Guy Fieri holds an even more prestigious title: Mayor of Flavortown.

As far as what Guy Fieri was like back in college, I think this gif tells you everything you need to know.

Off the fucking hook..

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Do you have any celebrity composite photos from your chapter or another chapter on campus? How about just plain ol’ hilarious composite photos from active brothers? Email both to [email protected]

Check out today’s episode of the Inside TFM Podcast. Special guest, comedian Steven Crowder, tells us about his terrifying showdown with Trigglypuff at UMass, and we answer more of your deranged, drunken questions via phone and email. Listen below:

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