What My Résumé Would Look Like If I Weren’t Full Of Shit

Buzzy Robinson6 years ago

Michael T. Kegs
69 Electric Avenue, Sausalito, CA
M.T.Kegs@safetyschool.edu
(415) 555-2368

I’m a journalism major with an economics minor, but I tell everyone that I’m an economics major with a journalism minor because it sounds harder. We both know that I’m lying about my GPA, so it’s probably best to just not bring it up. Every job that I’ve had up to this point has come as the direct result of a family connection, so my letters of rec are complete horse shit. Please hire me.

Education

College/University: It’s a good school, but you’ll probably still have to Google it.
Degree Earned/Graduation Date: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Major: Economics. 😉
Minor: “Journalism.” Okay, fine, English with a writing concentration. Okay, just English. Whatever.
Sex: Yes please (classic!)
Honors: Dean’s List (Dean’s Commendation (which is worse), but hey — close enough).
GPA: 3.4 (What are you going to do, email the registrar’s office? Yeah, I thought not).
Activities and Societies: *Long list of clubs that I went to maybe one meeting for* and my fraternity.

Professional Experience

Important Sounding Internship
The one that my friend’s dad got me this past summer that I didn’t deserve.

Scholarly Sounding Internship
The one that my uncle got me two summers ago that I didn’t even finish.

Confusing Sounding Internship
My minimum wage summer job from after freshman year that I’ve made the executive decision to call an “internship” because it makes it sound fancier.

Freelance Columnist, Grandex Media
Broke college student turned semi-professional internet potty mouth (current position)

Additional Skills

•The uncanny ability to turn any object into a bottle opener
•Smoking cigs, chugging beers, and eating like a campground raccoon and somehow still being in decent shape
•Engaging professors in long, riveting conversations about shit I’ve never read
•Running unopposed for exec board positions strictly for a higher pick in the housing lottery
•Dartmouth Pong
•Commandeering the DJ booth to play “Love Me Sexy” by Jackie Moon at every party.