What To Do Now That You’re A Pledge
6 years ago

Congratulations, you did it! You managed to swindle the fine men of a fraternity into thinking you are worthy of a bid. You went to their house, ate their food, talked their ears off about your high school achievements, and now you think you have the right to join their brotherhood.

Well, you sniveling little runt, you have eight (four, six, ten, whatever) weeks of hell in front of you before you do. Pledging awaits you. They say pledging is the best time of your life that you never want to have again. Well, I have no fucking idea whose expression that is, but they’re dead wrong. Pledging is a semester-long slog through a river of goat piss that smells like Michael Moore’s farts. It’s going to beat your ass down and keep you there while it has sex with your girlfriend. I do not envy you sad little bastards looking down the barrel of the upcoming pledge period. In fact, I’m even going to take a measure of pity on you braindead swamp donkeys and give you a head start on your pledging career. Here are three tips every pledge should know.

Lesson One

You are a complete and utter piece of shit. The mere fact that you exist is a testament to the human race outpacing the constraints of natural selection. In the eyes of god, you are an abomination, better fit to live alone in a fucking clock tower than join a Greek organization. The idea that you feel you are worthy enough to follow in the footsteps of great Americans like JFK, George W. Bush and Harrison Ford is so astoundingly wrong, it gives the Ghostbusters reboot a run for its money as the dumbest fucking thing a human has ever produced. You are not cool. You are not useful. Hell, you are not even a fucking human being. You are a pledge, and it would be to your advantage if you acted as such.

As a pledge, you do not warrant the respect that comes with the use of your name to address you. You will adopt a new moniker: fucktard, shitlicker, suckmaster, and others are all interchangeable labels for your dumbass. When you hear your designation called, you should answer with one of two phrases: “Yes sir” or “No sir.” In fact, it would be best that you refrain from speaking in general outside of those two phrases. The more you open your mouth, the more of a chance you have to get yourself in trouble. Nothing will benefit you more as a pledge than knowing your firm place at the bottom of the hierarchical chain.

Lesson Two

You will be expected to perform certain duties common to all pledges, mainly carrying out orders from the brotherhood. You would do well to respond to brothers’ requests swiftly and silently. These requests will vary from retrieving beers from the cooler to driving 300 miles to a strip club. No matter what is asked of you, you should be able to complete the chore with minimal complication. As you are a dipshit, you should take whatever steps are necessary to ensure that you are prepared for any circumstance.

You should also carry a pledge pack with you at all times. The content of this package should include, but is not limited to: quarters, condoms, a lighter, Advil, a phone charger, gum, a pen, a bottle opener, and dip cans (This is extremely important. Every individual has a different dip preference. Make sure you are aware of each brother’s brand and flavor of choice). Remember, pig-fucker, pledges are only as good as the stuff they are carrying; no one fucking likes Longhorn long cut.

Lesson Three

Do your fucking homework. Your first priority should be to memorize the history of your fraternity and your chapter. If you would like to become a member of the brotherhood, you need to show initiative in memorizing the elements that make that brotherhood great. You should be quick in your studies as well; the merciful brothers will only tolerate your stupid-ass insolence for so long. You should take pride in your learning. Recording the name of the architect who built the house is not a waste of brainpower, it is an element that makes the chapter unique and adds substance to the fraternity’s history. As a snot-nosed cocksucker, you should jump at every opportunity to deepen your knowledge of the brotherhood and its background.

Even if you follow these tips, you’re still fucked. That’s the beauty of pledging: You’re screwed no matter what you do. But hopefully, these lessons give your pathetic bitch ass a little bit of a jump on your pledge period. And hey, if the going gets rough, always remember the pledge mantra: “I’m a piece of shit, I’m a piece of shit, I’m a piece of shit.”