What Your Drinking Glass Says About You

Doctor Franzia8 years ago

Your party glass is like an extension of yourself. It’s your trusty steed into the land of drunken stupor. And like every Tinder bio you’ve ever slapped together, your choice of glass says a lot more about you than you think.

If you frequently lick the bottom of one of these types of chalices, you might easily be one of these kinds of people:

The Novelty Cup

You say you drink out of the LED flashing neon-orange double tall cup you got from Senõr Frog’s last Spring Break because you want to look unique and different, or maybe get an easy conversation starter with girls that like cheap tequila and balloon animals, too. But in truth you’re still trying desperately to justify yourself spending $23 plus tax on a two-cent piece of plastic that sits on your shelf gathering dust most of the time. They say the best souvenirs are memories, but you were blacked out 99 percent of that trip, so this cup will have to do.

The Wine Glass

If you’re drinking from a wine glass at a frat party one of two things would have had to have happened:

1. It’s BYOB night and all the Dollar Tree pint glasses are already gone from the house cup shelf.

or

2. You pre-gamed Sutter Home White Z with your girlfriend and her sisters and then just went straight to the next level because the glass was already in your hand.

If neither of these things happened to you, put the wine glass down right now and go get a real cup, you pretentious asshole.

Straight From The Bottle/Bag

You are the bold and the fearless. You understand that a drinking glass is merely an obstacle that gets in the way of what you really want, and are brave enough to dispel this crippling social etiquette entirely. When the bottle is half empty, it will become your cup, and as you stagger around the basement like a magnificent rage gorilla, it will be indistinguishable from a part of your body.

The Red Solo Cup

The Red Solo is at once the simplest and most sublimely complicated choice of cup you can make, because it means so many things to so many different people.

Many who drink from the Red Solo are the extra of the party scene in this college movie, the ones that showed up at the house and went straight for the jungle juice. That or you just don’t think too much about what you drink from as long as everyone else is doing it. Or maybe you have commitment issues—you can use the Red Solo as long as you want and then throw it away. There’s always another one in the bag.

But for a select few, the “purists”, the Red Solo represents tradition, timelessness and perfection in its simplicity. The red sheen on the cup is a warm and comforting ocean that can absorb an eternity of memories and good times. You need only pick one up to experience it all again.

The Sippy Cup

You’re either not old enough to be drinking or you’re rolling like a magic carpet. Either way, stop.

The Oktoberfest Beer Stein

You went to Munich once. That’s cool. The reason you can drink out of your stein with the kind of respect the novelty cup guy could never possibly muster is because this souvenir is a point of pride. This cup is a work of art taken from centuries of refinement in the world’s greatest drinking culture. It is an idol and altar to drunkenness, and drinking from it makes you a god among men.

Coffee Mug

You are either the most un-creative type of person, just drinking from whatever is closest to you, or you’re a hipster/lib arts major trying to make some sort of statement.

Beadazzled Sorority Mug

You’re a girl at Shasta/Coachella.

If you’re a dude drinking out of one of these, you probably got lucky one night and all that you have from her is the gross plastic cup she left on the deck. Because you barely remember the girl, she becomes the blank slate that you project all your fantasies and ideals of beauty on. Until one fateful night, you’re drinking straight vodka from the beadazzled Chi O cup and someone says “OMG that’s my cup from last year!” You turn around, make a face, and never drink from that cup again.

Large Household Vase

You lost at King’s Cup..

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