What Your Summer Job Says About You

Lemony Frocket8 years ago

Paid Internship

Congratulations! You landed this gig through someone you know, be it through your alumni association or your parents. You’re an upperclassman who splits his time between sleeping in his cubicle and checking out that girl from marketing; sure, she’s big boned, but that means she’s probably down to handle your big bone. Perks that come with this job include: the coffee you have to go buy every day for the people who actually work, that big girl from marketing who apparently has a twin (go ahead, give it some thought before you say yes), and the mailroom guy who is now your drug dealer.

Unpaid Internship

You may actually care about the field you’re working in so much so that you agreed to not be paid while you’re slaving over each and every task. I know you consider it a labor of love and believe it will pay dividends in the form of employment soon after you graduate, but let’s be honest here — it sucks. It is like being the superintendent of an out-of-season hotel that gets snowed in for the long winter: things get weird. And everyone knows all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

You may be an upperclassman who is set on this field and doesn’t care that you don’t get paid, or you’re an underclassman who was fighting for scraps (props to you for getting it). You are likable like Paid Internship Guy, but unlike that guy, you aren’t an open asshole; your style is more of a “write a slam poem about a person while in the bathroom stall at work” kinda guy. That being said, we can all be petty sometimes.

Labor Force

I’m sorry for you. If you live in central Florida like I do, any type of work outside is like working in the sweaty blanket that is the devil’s gooch. While the other guys have a chance at getting fondled by the big girl from marketing in the elevator at work, you get to deal with a big sweaty guy named Tony trying to finger your poop chute in the port-o-john on your fifteen minute lunch break. When you finally get the courage to tell your boss, he just says something like, “Aww, Tony’s harmless. I think it just means he likes you,” and then winks like it’s some inside joke.

Not only will this summer job undeniably suck Sasquatch jumblies, it will also deprive you of any social life because when you finally get home after your fourteen hour workday, you will be too tired to go out with friends. The one upside to this job is that you have the fortunate byproduct of working out without going to the gym, but this point is more or less moot since you don’t get out enough for girls to see you.

Unemployed

You’re an underclassman who’s living the life of a kid who just finished his first or second year in college and doesn’t have to worry about the real world yet. That, or you’re an upperclassman who is either too lazy to look for a job or too preoccupied with crushing Tinder girls during the semester to do what your friends were doing (thinking about the future). You’ve probably been wearing the same underwear for three days while you sit here and read this, and you probably feel no shame because you haven’t done anything where they could have gotten dirty over the past seventy-two hours.

Freelance Writer

Like Unemployed guy, except the difference is you’re definitely an upperclassman who was not planning ahead like your Paid and Unpaid Internship friends. You write in those three-day-old underwear while you drink a six pack of Yuengling (because it’s the beer your parents buy). This “job” does not stop them from telling you “to get a real job,” or “we are not going to fund your drinking habits.” Upside to this form of employment is that you get paid to sit in your three-day-old underwear drinking a six-pack of Yuengling at 11:30 in the morning..