When It’s Time To Quit Smoking Weed
12 years ago

I spent the better part of the last 6 years convincing myself that I do, in fact, enjoy casually smoking marijuana with my fraternity brothers. Getting high made my unfunny friends hilarious, and made me feel like I really understood where Kid Cudi was coming from with his “Man on the Moon” album. But the inconvenient truth is this: the terrifying experiences I was forced to endure around 1 out of every 5 times I smoked made my life a living hell.

I have my suspicions as to why this may have occurred. Maybe there is a time and place for pot, and I was in neither the time nor the place. Maybe tolerance was a factor, considering the majority of my friends were raging potheads and I was constantly attempting to keep up with them as they crushed smoke out of empty 2 liter soda bottles. Whatever the reason, the panic driven, soul searching, “OH MY GOD I’M DYING” highs have finally led me to kick the habit once and for all. By no means am I attempting to sway any habitual smokers out there (to each his own), but I have come up with a foolproof list to help you realize that it might be time for you to take the last dance with Mary Jane.

If any of the following are constant or reoccurring symptoms that you experience while using Marijuana, I’m talking to you:

1. Thoughts about the inevitability of death and life’s futility become insurmountable in your mind.

Laugh now, asshole, but this symptom of marijuana abuse is a frightening truth for many of us. Many a time I have been stoned and convinced myself my remaining 60 years of life are going to be spent as a total and complete failure of a bum. With each unique experience I would draw up a different inexplicably dark fate for myself that would never turn out to be true, but I would do this for the remainder of my high, and it was exhausting.

2. If you interpret bad weather as a sign of the apocalypse (even if it is only momentary).

This too was an incomprehensible symptom of my impotency when it came to my brain’s ability to enjoy a good toke. Any strange yellow tint in the sky during twilight, or quickly moving clouds, could immediately send my mind into a totally unnecessary brainstorm about the end of the world.

3. If when high you’re high you constantly find yourself contemplating about who in the particular room you are in hates you.

Yes, this too is a reality for the frightful smoker. Whether it is someone who you just met before you lit up, or a friend you have known since kindergarten, the thought may cross your mind that this individual thinks you are a piece of shit and that your jokes are awful and your company is unbearable. While this may or may not be true, this mental coagulation (mind fuck) is not something you need to subject yourself to. If this is something you have ever experienced while smoking, do yourself a favor the next time the bud is passed your way, lower the joint and carry on.

4. If you start to believe that everyone knows the deepest, darkest most shameful secret you currently have tucked away in your mind.

Calm down. While it is possible that all of your friends know you recently purchased “Born and Raised” by John Mayer on iTunes, or that you cried the first time you and your girlfriend had sexual intercourse, the odds are they don’t. And even if they do, they aren’t thinking about it. And no, you thinking more about it will not make it more obvious to them that you are thinking that they are thinking about it. The human race is capable of many astonishing feats; telepathy is not one of them.

These are only a few of the tell tale signs, my friends. God made dirt, and dirt don’t hurt, but this is the devil’s lettuce. Every man knows that there can be too much of a good thing, and if you frequent any of these symptoms it is my official prognosis that it is time for you to part ways with the green stuff. Consult a friend, write about it in your journal, call a help hotline, do what ever it takes to run from these nightmarish experiences and no longer return to your vomit like a wild dog. Just don’t go overboard and tell your parents. They will overreact and sentence you to an unnecessary stint in rehab. Nobody wants that.

  2. Boats and Coke

    It’s probably time to stop when you start thinking like a liberal hippy fuck.

    12 years ago at 1:58 pm
  3. FratAsFoosball

    You have a really strange mind if you think of these things period, “weather” you are high or not.

    12 years ago at 1:58 pm
  6. FAF_244

    This is a column for fucking pussies. Cant believe this actually made it on TFM! Is this the “fail friday number 2” post of the day? Fucking pussies.

    12 years ago at 2:47 pm
  7. Scobey1855

    What the fuck are you smoking? Sounds like a personal problem, not a marijuana problem. And what kind of pussies are running this site to post such a butthurt insecure exaggeration of the one liberal social cause that I actually support?

    12 years ago at 2:52 pm
    1. PIKEpledge

      ^ so you want to go to a doctor that’s high, people driving 70mph on interstate high, teachers teaching your children high, people operating machinery, flying jets and captaining boats. Of course you can “heavily regulate it” but look how all these heavy regulations by the government are working for us currently. Liberals want to legalize only because it’s something else they can tax, if we ever get another liberal congress they’ll try to tax the air we breathe.

      12 years ago at 5:04 pm
    2. Fraturday tailgates

      ^You realize you could replace high with drunk in every case and make the exact same argument? Even if something is legalized that does not mean it will radically change the way people conduct their lives. People are not going to go to work high or fly planes high just because its legal. Furthermore, your argument is both idiotic and offensive because it assumes that American citizens have no common sense or intelligence. A more appropriate argument would be; I do not believe weed should be legalized because as of now there is no foolproof way to determine if someone is high or not and it could make our roads significantly more dangerous.

      12 years ago at 5:47 pm
    4. PIKEpledge

      ^^ well we are at 8.1% unemployment which is actually 24% overall. Yes, this is a bad economy. But allowing people to use drugs recreationally will make our citizens more lazy and unproductive. It is known marijuana makes one lazy and we do not need a more lazy population that it already is. Not to mention look at Portugal who decriminalized all drugs, their drug use percentages have sky rocketed. There are absolutely no benefits for a government to allow it’s citizens to consume drugs.

      12 years ago at 6:23 pm
      1. PIKEpledge

        Furthermore we need to move our soldiers out of the middle east and put them on the border of Mexico to stop these cartels from getting millions of kilos into the US every year. We’re more fucking worried about the border between Afghanistan and Pakistan than our own with Mexico. If we don’t allow drugs to get into the US we significantly lower the drug abuse in this country. Surely people can get anything if they try hard enough, but drugs would be alot harder to come by if we had an effective DEA and government with responsible priorities.

        12 years ago at 6:29 pm
      2. KKP1855

        I know kids who smoke weed practically everyday with good grades, good jobs/internships, and who have what it takes to be successful. People who smoke and are lazy/unmotivated use weed as their excuse for being lazy.

        12 years ago at 1:09 pm
      2. PIKEpledge

        Well I want to be a doctor first and try to become influential and a leader in my community and eventually in my late 40s or 50s I want to represent my district in the US House of Representatives. As far as going further than that, the senate and presidency is too much. The president in 30 years is probably at harvard or Yale right now, I’m just a pre med at Baylor.

        12 years ago at 9:16 am
    6. I LAX COLORADO

      Driving stoned is not that hard, your paranoid so pay better attention to the road.

      12 years ago at 8:44 pm
    7. TakeALap

      All of you people think that just because something is legal, that everyone is going to start using it. I guarantee that if you smoke pot, you’re going to do it whether it is legal or not. If heroin were legal tomorrow, that doesn’t mean “everyone” would start using heroin, and our society would become a dark place, overflowing with crime and rape. Our crime rates would actually go down, and the billion dollar industry would be shifted into the bank accounts of our nation, rather than the hands of the sweaty drug cartels. I know most of you are so caught up in being “FaF” all the time and won’t let go of your super conservative views that you have (even though if you got a bitch pregnant in college with a random slam, you would most likely abort the baby… which is completely anti-conservative), but just realize that this does make the most sense. If not legalized, then at least decriminalize so we can stop wasting money on this worthless drug war. It is failing just as bad as prohibition did in the 20’s. I don’t smoke pot by the way.

      12 years ago at 10:19 pm
    8. Danny Devitbro

      TakeALap thinks logically. I’m willing to bet he’s read one of Ron Paul’s books.

      12 years ago at 11:22 am
    9. sam fratams

      TakeALap you act like the world will be at peace if pot is legalized. You can not deny that more people would smoke marijuana if it was legal. That would be a bad thing for our society, because the majority of users become lazy retards when they are high. Allowing the future entrepreneurs of the greatest country in the world to sit back and get baked while the emerging markets in Asia pass us by is just damn unpatriotic.

      12 years ago at 2:38 pm
    10. TakeALap

      I don’t think there would be peace. I think there would be a lot less crime, and more money in our bank. Countries with a decriminalized marijuana policy actually have less users because the rebellious factor isn’t there anymore. When I turned 21, it wasn’t as fun to buy beer anymore, because I can have it any time I want. America is built on freedom. If you want to go and ruin your life with pot, then so be it. Just don’t bother my or anyone else’s life with your stupid decisions.That will make way for the people who don’t smoke it come through and do something great with their life while the losers don’t. Obviously this country doesn’t have a spot for every single person to be successful. Let the losers who want to smoke their life away get into their slums… because they should be allowed to, this being a free country. If anything is unpatriotic, it is you worrying that a communist country would be more productive than us. Cool… it’s still a communist place. Bottom line is that you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want as long as it doesn’t intrude on anyone else’s pursuit of freedom and happiness. By the way, I am a huge Ron Paul supporter.

      12 years ago at 5:37 pm
  8. FratFowl

    This is the stupidest fucking article I’ve ever read… You get paranoid when smoking cause you’re a pussy.

    12 years ago at 2:53 pm
  9. FS2012

    Thats why god put so many awesome drugs on earth. So when Weed starts to freak you out, there’s always LSD to fuck around with.

    12 years ago at 3:59 pm
    6. Anonymous298817

      Lucy is fun, but try a hippy flip to give you a real mind fuck experience

      12 years ago at 2:16 am
  11. mrwhiskers

    Marijuana is for hippie freaks, and low lifes who have no self-respect and people who like rap music and think that theyre thugs.

    12 years ago at 5:35 pm