When The Patriots Lose, America Wins

Harrison Lee9 years ago

The turn of the century brought change to the NFL world, and not the good kind of change. In the first four seasons of the new millennium, the New England Patriots won three Super Bowls and a breed of insufferable sports fans was spawned. And I’ll be real, here: the Patriots are good, but they aren’t God’s team or some shit. They’re not a dominant force that can’t be stopped, and in no way are they currently a dynasty. They sure as hell aren’t the greatest team of all-time.

Since they bumped their Super Bowl championship number from one to four in 2004-05, they have won just one since (thanks to some terrible play calling on Seattle’s part). Nothing that should inspire the kind of cockiness seen in Patriots fans. Put them up against Lombardi’s Packers, the Steel-Curtain Steelers of the late ’70s, Joe Montana’s Niners, or even the Cowboys teams from the ’90s and the Patriots are barely cracking the top five best “dynasties” of all-time.

Sure, Patriots fans can bring up that they went to two other Super Bowls, which they lost, but nobody gives a flying fuck who came in second. All they remember is that Eli Manning has two rings. This whole damn season we heard from Pats fans about how they were going to destroy everyone and they were the greatest…blah, blah, blah. And what was their reaction when they lost yesterday? “You can’t win ’em all!”

So get off your high horse, Pats fans. Maybe if you didn’t set your expectations so unrealistically high, the rest of the country wouldn’t jump for joy when you lose. You are not entitled to every Super Bowl just because of your team name. The snow must be getting to your heads, because you have no reason to be the cocky little shits that you are, wrecking everyone’s Twitter timelines. It’s like watching St. Louis Cardinals fans during MLB season.

That loss to the zombie of Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos was the best thing ever for the rest of us, because for another year, you have to wipe that giant smirk off your face knowing that you won’t be crowned Super Bowl champions, just like you’ve had to do nine times out of the last ten years. A Patriots loss brings the rest of the country together. We love seeing your fans cry. It’s the one time when Steelers and Ravens fans or Cowboys and Eagles fans can sing in unison that we hate your stinkin’ guts.

But let it be known, we aren’t rooting against the team that is the Patriots. We are rooting against their fans for how off-base and mind numbing they are to listen to. The constant annoyances during the season. Hashtagging every tweet with “DoYourJob.” The Gronking of miscellaneous objects. Everything. Just stop it. It’s one thing to be that annoying when you’re dominating the league, but you’re not, so it’s not a good look.

Patriots fans are left looking like this today…

…and the rest of America couldn’t be happier..