Why Girls Should Not Cut Their Hair Short
None of us grew up looking at or imagining ourselves with women rocking a solid scissor fade. Still, over the past couple of years, there has been a disturbing trend spreading across gender lines: pixie cuts. Knockouts such as Catwoman and Hermoine have famously fallen victim to the shorter hairstyle trend and Beyoncé honestly just looked like she was trying to pull off the frat swoop.
If you have any female interaction on social media, whatsoever, you may also have seen Jennifer Lawrence’s new ‘do. Though every chick on the planet begs “Can we just be best friends? Why is she perfect?” you’d only bang her if she lost ten pounds. Now, shedding some lbs. might not even do it. Lawrence didn’t go full-on pixie short, but the results are equally disastrous.
Since most girls “OMG, WANT TO BE” Jennifer Lawrence, I fear this has the potential to kick off a horrible reactionary chain of events amongst the female populace. Girls, I’m here to save you from yourself. If you’re a woman in your prime, short hair is an overwhelmingly bad idea.
If Celebrities Can’t Pull It Off, You Can’t
As SFPL noted in his brilliant social commentary on high-waisted shorts, just because a celebrity or a supermodel can pull something off, does not mean you can. You might look at Rihanna and think “That’s edgy, that’s worth aiming for,” but she also rocks the “I just got punched by my boyfriend” look, so her judgment is questionable at best.
For pixie cuts, the “But celebs are doing it!” logic doesn’t even apply. Watch Anne Hathaway in The Dark Knight Rises and compare it to her acceptance of the award for Les Mis with a haircut you’d drunkenly give a pledge. Watch Emma Watson lick her lips in one of the best .GIFs on the internet and then compare it to her Willard-style combover. Watch Beyoncé in literally anything and then compare it to her trying to pull off her best Roger Dorn flow. Normal ladies, if these fine women can’t pull it off, you don’t even stand a chance.
You Will Stand Out, But Not In A Good Way
There are certain things about girls that a guy only notices if they are spectacular or spectacularly awful. Tits, ass, legs, and a couple other things stand out regardless, but a girl’s eyes are only worth noting if they look photoshopped in real life or if they are hanging out of their sockets. The same logic applies to hair, where outside of blonde, brunette, and easy, the male population will give a collective shrug in regard to her having curled it, straightened it, pulled it up, or having done whatever else she spends an hour and a half doing before she goes out. We only notice the length when it happens to rival our own.
Maybe we take for granted your impeccable sense of style, flawless skin tone, or professionally whitened and straightened teeth, but trust me, if you dress like a moron, if you’re covered in acne, or if you’re chewing on glass, we pick it up immediately. If I even have an opinion on girl hairstyles, by default, it means that the hairstyle either has to be terrible or on Adriana Lima.
They Amplify Your Flaws To Other Girls
If there are acceptable times for a lady to have short hair, it is at the two extremes of her life. My grandma has short hair and it fits her. My 1-year-old cousin does, too, and that’s fine. The difference between them and you is that they have no one to impress. If you’re in the female sweet spot, between the ages of 18 and 28, you certainly do.
“But we don’t cut our hair for men, we cut it for ourselves!” the tired chorus cries out. This isn’t just about impressing guys, though. All of those odd insecurities you have about your looks are only highlighted with short hair. Other girls will notice them immediately as well. If you have bad teeth or some other sort of imperfection, with short hair, you’re putting it front and center. Even if you don’t have a glaring flaw, there’s one thing of which I’m sure: your face is going to look fat. Need further proof? Look at that picture of ole Jennifer Lawrence above and remember that she looked fine before.
Yeah…I’d like the writer and all his sympathizers to meet the men and women with whom I rolled in the hay WHILE I HAD A SHAVED HEAD. If the username does not give it away, I’m female. Let the name-calling and slut-shaming begin.
11 years ago at 11:37 am“If there are acceptable times for a lady to have short hair, it is at the two extremes of her life. My grandma has short hair and it fits her. My 1-year-old cousin does, too, and that’s fine.”
OH THANK GOD. Uhh, also…one year olds haven’t even been alive LONG ENOUGH to HAVE long hair!
How about cancer survivors? Huh? Is it okay for THEM to have short hair after enduring chemotherapy? Grow a pair, shithead.
11 years ago at 11:43 am“fuck you
11 years ago at 11:50 amfuck you very, very much
’cause we hate what you do
and we hate your whole crew
so please don’t stay in touch”
Ahahaha. Wow. I read this whole article in disgust, thinking when I got to the end, I would see some douchey picture of Mr. Frat Guy wearing Wayfairer sunglasses and a polo shirt next to his bio. But to see YOU, dude, with the white hair?? Seriously?? Where do you get off saying ANY of this with a straight face?
All I can say is that you are indeed a douchebag for writing such a LONG article about a woman’s hair style. If you speak any of these thoughts outloud with a woman in ear shot, I sincerely hope you get smacked in the face. Good luck trying to land any self respecting female in the future with this awesome view of the world you have. You definitely have your priorities straight – god forbid a woman chooses to cut her hair because then she would miss out on sleeping with you!
You should take a good long look in the mirror and reconsider these words. Maybe reconsider looking past the length of a woman’s hair style, and you might get laid once in your life. (And sorry, no, those three times of drunk sex at the frat house just don’t count).
Wishing all the best to you, your white pubes and wrinkly balls.
11 years ago at 12:36 pmDoesn’t get it.
11 years ago at 2:54 pmIt cracks me up that he used like the most beautiful girl for his top photo…
Honestly all the photos and examples he used served to disprove his point for me. I was like hell yeah Beyonce’s a babe! Get it Jennifer Lawrence! I love Anne Hathaway’s hair.
Honestly, although I disagree with about, oh, everything this guy says, he’s allowed to have an opinion. His opinion is not the same as all guys’ opinions, which he doesn’t seem to realize… But if that’s how you wanna use your right to free speech, go right ahead. No one’s opinion is going to change when you write something this biased and opinionated. People will either agree with opinions they themselves already held, or they will disagree (probably vehemently) because of opinions/beliefs they already have.
11 years ago at 12:38 pmIf someone really wants to start a conversation about standards of female beauty, problematic gender lines, culturally acceptable misogyny, etc, the comments section of an article like this is not going to be the most successful place. Just saying…
I will end every single one of you douchebags. It’s already been stated by others that we are not here for your approval, and that’s the truth. But what gets me is that you think EVERY girl with short hair had a choice. Some of us are cancer survivors, you fucking idiots, and I will NOT stand to be belittled because my hair is short. My hair does not define me nor does it define my worth, and furthermore, if you think I should be ashamed of my hair and how it looks, you deserve to have every single one of your damn teeth knocked out. You want to pretend my appearance is the most important thing I’ve got? It isn’t. You want to pretend I do all of this for you? I don’t. You want to hold me to your standards of beauty? I could not care any less about what assholes like you think of me. Because I’m pretty damn secure in the kind of woman I am and I don’t need YOU to tell me wrong from right. Check yourselves, assholes. Your argument is as strong as a straw house, and none of us are here for this shit.
11 years ago at 1:07 pmNobody likes a whiner.
11 years ago at 6:27 pm^^I’m guessing you’re a butch?
11 years ago at 8:34 pmBurps a little on this article.
11 years ago at 2:06 pmThis is some of the least inspired trolling I’ve ever seen
11 years ago at 10:26 pmHey, I don’t know how this website works! Help me.
11 years ago at 2:08 pmI FOUND MY OWN COMMENTS!!!!!! Suck my dick for this tiny victory!!!!
11 years ago at 2:20 pmI’m a man and I’m so afraid of girls. Please have long soft hairs and long soft legs so I don’t feel so frightened.
11 years ago at 2:25 pmWHY WON’T GIRLS DO EVERYTHING I WANT??? WHY DO GIRLS GET SO MAD WHEN I TELL THE MWHATS BEST FOR THEM. IT’S LIKE. THEY’RE ALL DIFFERENT AND HAVE DIFFERENT IDEAS ABOUT WHAT’S BEST FOR THEM? WOW. THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE. IMPORRSSIBLE!!
11 years ago at 2:27 pmI can’t have sex with anyone with short hair. That’s too close to having sex with a MAN. I’m not attracted to men sexually. Sexually. I’m so closeted oh god girls with short hair are TOO CLOSE TO MEN WHO I WANT TO FUCK. SHIT BACKPEDAL BACKPEDAL BACKPEDAL also i’m not homophobic
11 years ago at 2:30 pmI’m a frat boy, I’m rich and I get all the girls and I’m going to marry The One and we’ll have endless brutal marital strife because she won’t be exactly the girl I need her to be. Please pat my dick, I’m so alone
11 years ago at 2:33 pmwipes pit sweat on this article
11 years ago at 2:34 pmsat·ire
11 years ago at 2:36 pmˈsaˌtīr/
noun
1.
the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.
I’M SO GOOD AT SATIRE I’M MAKING FUN OF WOMEN WHO CUT THEIR HAIR SHORT BECAUSE THAT’S A SHITTY THING TO DO NOT UNLIKE BEING HYPER MASCULINE AND CONTROLLING BECAUSE I’M TOO SCARED OF BEING SURROUNDED BY UGLINESS
11 years ago at 2:38 pmWriters shape our society. Bad writers shape our society poorly. You are a bad writer. You don’t understand how to write. Stop writing. Stop communicating. Go back to your precious university and retake your literary analysis classes. Asshat.
11 years ago at 2:41 pmThis article is why you will always be mediocre.
11 years ago at 2:42 pmIt’s ok. I can feel your self-esteem from here. I’m touching it gently. Fondling its ballsack between my cold fatty fingers. You’re bigger than this troll. Rise above the haters. To stupidity and beyond.
11 years ago at 2:44 pmImagine me. I want you to imagine me right now as the ugly, porcine, feminist neanderthal you want so desperately for me to be. My ample, throbbing chest. My greasy, quinoa fed complexion. My sausage fingers covered in vaginal fluids. Touch me. Touch me.
11 years ago at 2:47 pmHow many of your frat brothers have raped a girl because she didn’t say no?
11 years ago at 2:50 pmYour humor is so flat. You are not funny. The next time you go out with a girl, remember that she was too polite to tell you no and too naive to expect that you had anything under your shell.
11 years ago at 2:52 pmYou misunderstand. i love you. The way you believe you can write. The way others believe in you. It’s ok. I’ll leave you to your gentle daydreams. Now go find a punching bag to hit your masculinity back into being, sweetie.
11 years ago at 2:56 pmPastes lace and silk all over this article. Hangs it in my boudoir. Yes. The ideal man.
11 years ago at 2:58 pmEEEEY PAPA NICE DICK SWEET ASS CUTE LIPS
11 years ago at 3:02 pmLearn. Learn. Learn. The world is so much bigger than this.
11 years ago at 3:04 pmWhere are you right now? I’m thinking of you. Dreaming of you.
11 years ago at 3:07 pmYour body may be chiseled but your mind is weak and filled with petty thoughts and mechanisms, although the latter may be too generous. Clean it out. Start again.
11 years ago at 3:09 pmYour mind is a holy ground where men like you bud and drop off once more into the soil around them. You are a multi-limbed entity from which mediocrity fountains, a many-souled machine that can only watch and gnash their many teeth as the world does not do as you command. Why, Lord? Why have you forsaken these poor men?
11 years ago at 3:12 pmI’m going to bake cookies and organize my sticker collection to reaffirm my femininity brb OH WAIT THAT’S WHAT *MEN* DO HAHAHA
11 years ago at 3:15 pmIt’s ok. You’ll find love. A girl who’s going to be the world to you. She’ll hold your heart in the palms of her hands, and she won’t crush it. You’ll have a nice house and wonderful children and enough money for every need and want you encounter. You’ll die peacefully. You’ll forget about all this. Don’t worry. Please don’t worry. I love you.
11 years ago at 3:18 pmSensually slides my hand up your thigh.
11 years ago at 3:20 pmIt’s just a hobby to you. Just a game. Just a way to get your name out there. I understand. You have no effect on the world around you. Your fingers are zephyrs and your words are candle smoke. No one regards you and you regard no one. No one loves you but me.
11 years ago at 3:22 pmI was the cashier the last time you got groceries. I smiled at you. “Have a nice day!” I meant it. I do. I always will.
11 years ago at 3:23 pmWhy did you hurt her?
11 years ago at 3:24 pmi don’t check my e-mail.
11 years ago at 3:26 pmEAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS EAT SHIT EAT PISS
11 years ago at 3:27 pmI’ve never trolled anyone before, am I doing all right?
11 years ago at 3:28 pmok I’m done for today. Some closing thoughts:
11 years ago at 3:31 pmBee Movie Script
According to all known laws
of aviation,
there is no way a bee
should be able to fly.
Its wings are too small to get
its fat little body off the ground.
The bee, of course, flies anyway
because bees don’t care
what humans think is impossible.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Ooh, black and yellow!
Let’s shake it up a little.
Barry! Breakfast is ready!
Ooming!
Hang on a second.
Hello?
– Barry?
– Adam?
– Oan you believe this is happening?
– I can’t. I’ll pick you up.
Looking sharp.
Use the stairs. Your father
paid good money for those.
Sorry. I’m excited.
Here’s the graduate.
We’re very proud of you, son.
A perfect report card, all B’s.
Very proud.
Ma! I got a thing going here.
– You got lint on your fuzz.
– Ow! That’s me!
– Wave to us! We’ll be in row 118,000.
– Bye!
Barry, I told you,
stop flying in the house!
– Hey, Adam.
– Hey, Barry.
– Is that fuzz gel?
– A little. Special day, graduation.
Never thought I’d make it.
Three days grade school,
11 years ago at 3:33 pmthree days high school.
Those were awkward.
Three days college. I’m glad I took
a day and hitchhiked around the hive.
You did come back different.
– Hi, Barry.
– Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.
– Hear about Frankie?
– Yeah.
– You going to the funeral?
– No, I’m not going.
Everybody knows,
sting someone, you die.
Don’t waste it on a squirrel.
Such a hothead.
I guess he could have
just gotten out of the way.
I love this incorporating
an amusement park into our day.
That’s why we don’t need vacations.
Boy, quite a bit of pomp…
under the circumstances.
– Well, Adam, today we are men.
– We are!
– Bee-men.
– Amen!
Hallelujah!
Students, faculty, distinguished bees,
please welcome Dean Buzzwell.
Welcome, New Hive Oity
graduating class of…
…9:15.
That concludes our ceremonies.
And begins your career
at Honex Industries!
Will we pick ourjob today?
I heard it’s just orientation.
Heads up! Here we go.
Keep your hands and antennas
inside the tram at all times.
– Wonder what it’ll be like?
– A little scary.
Welcome to Honex,
a division of Honesco
and a part of the Hexagon Group.
This is it!
Wow.
Wow.
We know that you, as a bee,
have worked your whole life
to get to the point where you
can work for your whole life.
Honey begins when our valiant Pollen
Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.
Our top-secret formula
is automatically color-corrected,
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured
into this soothing sweet syrup
with its distinctive
golden glow you know as…
Honey!
– That girl was hot.
– She’s my cousin!
– She is?
– Yes, we’re all cousins.
– Right. You’re right.
– At Honex, we constantly strive
to improve every aspect
of bee existence.
These bees are stress-testing
a new helmet technology.
– What do you think he makes?
– Not enough.
Here we have our latest advancement,
the Krelman.
– What does that do?
– Oatches that little strand of honey
that hangs after you pour it.
Saves us millions.
Oan anyone work on the Krelman?
Of course. Most bee jobs are
small ones. But bees know
that every small job,
if it’s done well, means a lot.
But choose carefully
because you’ll stay in the job
you pick for the rest of your life.
The same job the rest of your life?
I didn’t know that.
What’s the difference?
You’ll be happy to know that bees,
11 years ago at 3:34 pmas a species, haven’t had one day off
Those were awkward.
Three days college. I’m glad I took
a day and hitchhiked around the hive.
You did come back different.
– Hi, Barry.
– Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.
– Hear about Frankie?
– Yeah.
– You going to the funeral?
– No, I’m not going.
Everybody knows,
sting someone, you die.
Don’t waste it on a squirrel.
Such a hothead.
I guess he could have
just gotten out of the way.
I love this incorporating
an amusement park into our day.
That’s why we don’t need vacations.
Boy, quite a bit of pomp…
under the circumstances.
– Well, Adam, today we are men.
– We are!
– Bee-men.
– Amen!
Hallelujah!
Students, faculty, distinguished bees,
please welcome Dean Buzzwell.
Welcome, New Hive Oity
graduating class of…
…9:15.
That concludes our ceremonies.
And begins your career
at Honex Industries!
Will we pick ourjob today?
I heard it’s just orientation.
Heads up! Here we go.
Keep your hands and antennas
inside the tram at all times.
– Wonder what it’ll be like?
– A little scary.
Welcome to Honex,
a division of Honesco
and a part of the Hexagon Group.
This is it!
Wow.
Wow.
We know that you, as a bee,
have worked your whole life
to get to the point where you
can work for your whole life.
Honey begins when our valiant Pollen
Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.
Our top-secret formula
is automatically color-corrected,
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured
into this soothing sweet syrup
with its distinctive
golden glow you know as…
Honey!
– That girl was hot.
– She’s my cousin!
– She is?
– Yes, we’re all cousins.
– Right. You’re right.
11 years ago at 3:35 pm– At Honex, we constantly strive
Aw shit. Look at that script. That’s fucking enormous. Shit. Shit. That’s so much effort to copy and paste this thing 150 lines at a time. It’s not like I like you or anything. What do I do?
11 years ago at 3:37 pmIt’s ok. The Bee Movie is in your heart. It’s the only thing you think about. I can pass on peacefully knowing that that is all you’ll ever be. Thank you, friend.
11 years ago at 3:38 pmI question myself whether I should be completely and utterly annoyed with the stupidity of this whole thing, or respect you for the fact that you just posted it.
11 years ago at 6:52 pmWow. Amazing. I’m on the INTERNET!!!
11 years ago at 2:09 pmBurps a little again. Upchucks some brats and beer from last night. Spits it on this article.
11 years ago at 2:10 pm