Why The SEC Is Bullshit
If any of you southerners came here hoping that this was going to be an excoriation of the way that the Securities Exchange Commission operates, you’re in for a world of disappointment. The SEC I’m talking about here is, indeed, the Southeastern Conference, and specifically the cloud of fuckery surrounding it when it comes to football. So strap yourselves in, Tigers, Gators, Bulldogs, and every moron who’s ever yelled “Roll Tahd!” because it’s going to get ugly. For all you guys outside the bottom right of our fair country, grab some popcorn and enjoy. I’m about to piss off half the TFM readership in one column. This should be fun.
Let’s start with how the polling system is biased. Most people will claim that preseason polling is useless and has no real bearing on the game. This is certainly true if you look at polls as indicators of how teams will shake out in the season. However, they’re extremely important in terms of maintaining a ranking. See, it’s much harder to climb the polls as the season goes on if you were underrated going in. Conversely, if you start in the top 10 and play in the SEC, you have to REALLY shit the bed to drop out of the rankings. It’s because the conference itself is set up to allow that.
The SEC is almost like a commune in the way that it mutually weakens itself in order to raise up the whole. (That’s right, SEC fans. I just compared your conference to a hippie, communist retreat.) See, the conference realizes that if it only plays a minimal number of games against the teams that make it up and schedules only powderpuff teams as its non-conference opponents, it can preserve the “competitive integrity” of the conference. It’s easy to write off a loss as acceptable when it’s against “yet another powerhouse SEC team.” You’ll have teams end up with 9-3 and 8-4 records that still easily rank in the top 25, which is ridiculous, given that half of their wins are against garbage teams and their three losses are to “premier” teams within their own conference. The only reason that they’re considered premier is because they started that way in the first place. It’s like a snake eating its own tail, except the tail is a dick, and the snake’s mouth is every ESPN mouthpiece paid to laud the SEC’s deified status.
As of the last decade or so, the SEC has also built its reputation as a defensive powerhouse. No matter who shows up at an SEC team’s doorstep, or how complex that team’s offense, its defense is too overpowering to handle. The SEC’s championship run from 2006 to 2012 was unprecedented and seems to bear this out, right? I’ll admit, it’s definitely impressive, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. First of all, it’s not everyone else’s damn fault that THE Ohio State shit the bed–twice–because they’re fucking overrated and play nobody and yet still get the benefit of the polls. Then you have the year Oklahoma got thumped by Florida, which happened to be the year of the controversial three-way tie between OU, Texas, and Texas Tech–the latter two teams were certainly more prepared to face the Tebow-led Gators. Then Alabama beat Texas after Colt McCoy went down with an injury, and with the way that game looked, only the most delusional Roll Tahder would believe that ‘Bama could have pulled that one out if McCoy had stayed healthy. Then Auburn had the miracle drive against Oregon, where they were bailed out by a couple inches of air between Michael Dyer’s knee and the ground. Then Alabama played LSU, which was a win-win for the SEC, in spite of the fact that neither team could score a fucking touchdown. And that’s not even talking about the egregious exclusion of Oklahoma State–its offense would have torn both of those vaunted defenses to shreds.
How do I know that? Because Texas A&M and Missouri have shattered this idea that SEC defenses are unassailable. They’re unassailable, because prior to those two schools’ inclusion in the conference, SEC teams couldn’t pass to save their lives. They acted like ground and pound was their preferred strategy, and not simply a product of the fact that they couldn’t get a real quarterback to save their lives. A&M beat Alabama in Tuscaloosa its first year in the conference, and Missouri won the East its second season in. Their combined record is 35-15 since joining the SEC. Let’s also not forget that neither team was particularly dominant in the Big 12, either. Perhaps the proof is that outside offenses are actually very well suited to beat SEC defenses, provided they have the time to adjust. One game with no previous playing experience versus each other does not proof of superiority make.
But at least the SEC is an NFL talent-producing powerhouse, right? Since the 2007 draft (which mostly means the recruiting class of 2003) there have been only 21 schools that had more than 25 NFL players. Five of them are SEC teams. Impressive. Oh, and five of them are ACC teams. Hmm. Oh wait–the Big Ten has five teams on that list, too. Weird.
Thankfully, it looks like all of this is changing for the better. Oklahoma stomped Alabama in their bowl game last year. Naturally, since Oklahoma is returning its quarterback and most of its starters–while ‘Bama lost a slew of its best players, including its four-year starting quarterback–OU will be ranked higher than Alabama, and Alabama will be appropriately placed in the preseason polls.
Oh wait, Alabama’s ranked No. 2 somehow? And Georgia is 12, even after going 8-5 last year and losing Aaron Murray?
Same bullshit, different year.
Fuck the SEC.
Image via Twitter
Fuck you.
10 years ago at 2:39 pmThe south is just the ass hole of America in General. A bunch of uneducated ignorant fools that have nothing better to do than live on this website and fuck their cousins.
10 years ago at 4:23 pmThe world would be a better place without people like you.
10 years ago at 4:24 pmThe world would be a better place without the south.
10 years ago at 4:26 pmWhat’d the north give us? Gays and a shitty president.
10 years ago at 4:33 pmAnd abolishment of slavery but yeah that too^
10 years ago at 5:00 pmThe guy saluting in your profile picture dipshit.
10 years ago at 5:06 pmok so we are accepting the fact that California and Illinois are the north now? good.
10 years ago at 9:25 pmYes the Union did in fact invent the “gays” precisely in the gay factory. It’s location is still unknown however.
10 years ago at 5:44 pmwell we do know it was somewhere in the north. maybe depauw?
10 years ago at 1:43 amYour profile pic is Reagan, who came from Dixon Illinois. Good one
10 years ago at 6:13 pmI mean it was Tampico, Illinois… But whatever, semantics.
10 years ago at 12:59 amI’m not from an SEC school, but since you opened your mouth, I will enlighten you…something, your time in an institution of higher learning, failed to accomplish.
You should only capitalize “General” when placing it before the name of an officer who currently holds or retired at the rank of O-7 or higher.
Also, “asshole” is one word, not two. Next time you have a thought, just let it go.
10 years ago at 4:32 pmDid you…. Did you create a profile specifically to comment on how much the south sucks? Pretty sure you did.
10 years ago at 5:40 pmQuite interesting that you’re from Alabama, “Thesouthlostandsucks.” You can leave now.
10 years ago at 5:48 pmAnd what of the uneducated and ignorant fool who makes a profile on this site just to comment on a single article? If you can’t tell, I’m talking about you.
10 years ago at 6:23 pmWe fuck our cousins because we fucked all yours.
10 years ago at 7:00 pmThats still no reason to fuck your own cousin…
10 years ago at 10:44 pmI’ve never lived in the south, I probably won’t ever move there, for no other reason besides I like where I live. But you sir, are an asshole. South, North, out West, Pacific Northwest, New England etc. It’s fucking all America man, and it’s all awesome.
10 years ago at 11:14 pmGenerally speaking, amen to that brother.
10 years ago at 2:33 amWith all these laps to take, I’m surprised you’re not blackballed yet.
10 years ago at 10:06 amYou made a TFM profile just for this article? Really?
10 years ago at 11:53 amI love that the South is bullshit enough to rip on but too important to allow to secede. If we’re so awful, why won’t you let us go?
10 years ago at 1:45 amBecause we are the UNITED States of America, along with proving to others that this relatively new country was the greatest concept of all time. Some states just happened to have their head up their ass when it came to humanity issues.
10 years ago at 3:17 amThis is all so deliciously hateful.
10 years ago at 6:07 pmLike reliving Civil War highlights to a modern format. I almost can’t watch….
10 years ago at 6:33 pmI present to you, a montage of mixed emotions while watching 150 yr old hate rehashed.
10 years ago at 6:40 pmLets be honest. I fucked up the URL link. Good catch, fuckheads.
***Takes lap***
Sidebar: Thumb Chucks. Patent pending.
10 years ago at 7:06 pmIf you added up every state in the South’s GDP per capita it would be pathetic compares to the North.
10 years ago at 9:48 pmI don’t think you understand how per capita statistics work. You would never add them up. You’d average them. Also most northern states have much lower per capita GDPs than southern states because they are so populous. You have truly failed in every way possible with your comment.
10 years ago at 10:46 pmThe south can have their football. The north is perfectly fine taking the cake on education. And winning the Civil War.
10 years ago at 2:32 amIf you’re idea of winning a war is losing over 100,00 more troops by an army half the Union’s size, then good luck with that.
10 years ago at 10:41 amHow much is 100,00?
9 years ago at 1:24 pmThere’s more butthurt here than a second grade all boys school after dorn visits.
10 years ago at 6:20 amAll hail Knox and his refusal to accept the SEC’s bullshit
10 years ago at 2:42 pmStop being a bitch
10 years ago at 2:43 pmWell fuck this guy. Fire him
10 years ago at 2:43 pmLet’s just all agree that Oregon fucking blows
10 years ago at 2:44 pmHey Wisconsin, go lose another Rose Bowl.
10 years ago at 3:18 pmThe *ucks have won two Rose Bowls in over 100 years. But keep patting yourself on the back
10 years ago at 3:58 pmAnd with Wisconsin’s “storied” past, they have a total of 3. Not to mention they own the rare feat of losing 3 in a row. But boy, you sure did show me.
10 years ago at 4:26 pmI could give a shit about Wisconsin. I just hate Oregon, along with everyone else on here
10 years ago at 4:53 pmThanks for trying to speak on the entire behalf of TFM bud. You probably went through the trouble to create a survey that can backup your claims so I’ll take your word.
10 years ago at 5:48 pmDamn man solid one liner.
10 years ago at 4:34 pm^I have to commend you on this. Fucking legendary comeback.
10 years ago at 11:57 pmKeep telling yourself that, Pal.
10 years ago at 5:38 pmThey really don’t blow though, they’re quite good.
10 years ago at 2:02 amOregon 347 uniform combinations 0 national championships
10 years ago at 11:34 amPulled from the “Business Insider.”
Well, played, Hammertime.
10 years ago at 6:55 pm
It’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see how it pays off for ’em.
10 years ago at 2:46 pm