Why Your Fraternity Sucks: Alpha Tau Omega

Dan Regester10 years ago

Some people are brothers of Alpha Tau Omega. But many, many more people are NOT brothers of Alpha Tau Omega. This TFM rush preview is for those in the latter group.

Fraternity: Alpha Tau Omega. An organization that prides itself on leadership training, Christian values, love, respect, and sweet baby Jesus you guys are already putting me to sleep faster than Vince Vaughn’s performance in this season of True Detective.

Size: I had an ATO intern count the amount of active chapters that are recognized on the fraternity’s official site. He came back with 136. Wikipedia advertises that you have had over 250 chapters since your inception, so about half of your charters have gone under. LEADERSHIP!

Colors and Symbols: It’s as if you didn’t even try to hide the fact that you’re essentially a Sigma Chi clone, and like all clones, there’s something inherently wrong with you. Obviously, the psychological issues are far above my pay grade and expertise, but on a purely shallow, superficial glance from the outside looking in, your crest and badge look identical to Sigma Chi’s if Sigma Chi’s crest and badge had serious birth defects. That castle atop of your crest looks like an aborted fetus that never fully developed into the Sigma Chi griffin or eagle or whatever the fuck that animal is on their crest, but survived the operation and plopped out a Rook chess piece.

I guess it was a coincidence that you also share the same fraternity flower, too. White roses were so hot back in the mid-1800s. I’m not one to cast stones, though. I ripped off Drew Magary with this entire concept. But like the old saying goes, “Good writers borrow, great writers steal.” Am I right, ATO?

Founded: In 1865 at the Virginia Military Institute to help reconcile the differences between the North and South, post-Civil War. That’s a pretty lofty initiative to build the foundation of a new fraternity on. Maybe, I don’t know, start with guys who share common interest like woodworking or dudes who are really into a cappella or whatever miserable thing college kids did for entertainment back then. Recruiting must have been a bitch.

“Hey, aren’t you the guy that stabbed me in the ass with a bayonet back in Antietam?”

“If you thought that was bad, just wait until your pledgeship.”

That explains why the organization almost died off completely after only a decade of existence. Otis Allan Glazebrook, Erskine Mayo Ross, and Alfred Marshall must not have worked on anything past a five-year plan. Thankfully (depending on your perspective), Joseph R. Anderson bailed out this pathetic group of individuals and they’ve managed to stay afloat ever since.

Famous Brothers: I’m not going to get into Steve Spurrier, Lee Corso, or the “Million Dollar Man,” Ted DiBiase. You all already know these mens’ impressive résumés, and we don’t have to waste time going over them again. Rather, we’re going to delve into the cringeworthy alumni that you shamelessly and proudly promote as your own. Is everyone familiar with Anthony Michael Brooks? No? I guess the Rubik’s Cube Solving World Championships just aren’t the national pastime that they once were. How about Bugs Bunny? Yeah, that Bugs Bunny. Apparently the University of Kentucky chapter recognizes a fucking cartoon as a brother since 1947. Granted it’s far from the biggest joke to grace the national fraternity.

“We’re riding the bus to Clowntown.”

That’s right, Guy Fieri, the human equivalent of a beluga whale ballsack spliced together with the rotten corpse of a porcupine that drowned in a vat of bleach, was an ATBro at UNLV, class of ’88. This is going to be hard to top in the coming weeks.

From The Horse’s Mouth

Brother Chris:

We were the first fraternity to start a chapter free of alcohol and tobacco on fraternity property. I can’t even fucking dip in my own house.

Brother Blake:

My chapter just filed for bankruptcy because we took out a loan to get Trinidad James for a philanthropy concert. That wasn’t even the worst financial decision we made all year, either.

Brother Alex:

Our current CEO wasn’t a brother of the fraternity. Just an honorary member.

Brother David:

The Beta chapter at Washington and Lee hijacked a fucking train back in the day. So technically we’ve had terrorists in our organization.

The Definitive Reason Why Your Fraternity Sucks:

“He’s a porchetta that you won’t forgetta.”.

Want to be part of the next fraternity rush preview? Just email me at dan@totalfratmove.com and give me ample evidence of why your fraternity sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with other chapters, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next up: Tau Kappa Epsilon

In case you missed last week’s:

Phi Gamma Delta

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