Why Your Fraternity Sucks: Delta Chi

Dan Regester8 years ago

Some people are brothers of Delta Chi. But many, many more people are NOT brothers of Delta Chi. This TFM rush preview is for those in the latter group.

Fraternity: Delta Chi.

Once an exclusive, professional organization for elite, Ivy League minds of the law, Delta Chi has transitioned over the last century into another middle of the road social fraternity with an identity crisis.

“Hey asshole, we’re more like top middle tier of the road social fraternity with an identity crisis” shouts an already irate brother who only originally joined because “triangle x” was the lone group of Greek letters he could remember during rush. “And don’t forget we were also the first fraternity to make the monumental stride of abolishing hell week,” chimes in a nasally voiced representative from nationals with his chest puffed out.

See, with nothing of any substance to call their own, Delta Chi has to deflect with pointless talk of the fraternity tier system or hold the act of ending 7 days of brotherhood bonding with the reverence of a truly historic moment in mankind’s existence. The emancipation pledge-clamation.

Yes, my extensive and thorough research on Wikipedia confirms that Delta Chi did indeed put the kibosh on this pledging ritual during the great depression. But if you really think about it, that was a time when hazing was more than likely a much welcomed distraction from the rest of every day life in the soup kitchen. So congratulations on taking away even the slightest and sickest of enjoyments from an already spirit crushed generation. Maybe feeling pain from bows and toes on broken glass was better than feeling nothing at all. Just some food for thought.

But other than being soft on their pledges who are referred to as “associate members,” what separates this goon squad from the rest of the pack? What can Delta Chi point to that’s uniquely theirs? The whole name every exec board member a letter of the English Alphabet from A to F is quirky but not specific to your organization. Your hand signal that some chapters throw up for pictures is certainly a rough look, but there’s worse out there. And blaming nationals for closing “respected” chapters is an excuse as old as time itself. You’re in desperate need of rebranding.

Like right now I could just completely make up that you are the fraternity that only recruits guys 5’7″ and below and the rest of Greek life wouldn’t blink an eye. They’d read that statement and their minds would go “Yeah, that sounds about right.” By the way, you’re more than welcome to run with that idea. Dirty rush horse jockeys and garden gnomes and own that market. OWN IT.

Size: 137 undergraduate chapters, countless inactive chapters, 1 meaningful active chapter at Penn State

Surprisingly, Delta Chi lacks creativity and is pretty straightforward when it comes to chapter designations. For instance, the Kansas State chapter is simply the Kansas State chapter. The East Carolina chapter’s name is, of course, the East Carolina chapter and this pattern goes on for every university around the country with the exception of one special school. I had to do multiple double takes, throw water on my face, and slap myself straight to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating when I scrolled past Cal Berkeley. I shit you not, it’s official title on the Delta Chi website is the “Abracadabra” chapter.

Touché. Just when I thought I had you pegged as the least interesting fraternity I’ve broken down on the Why Your Fraternity Sucks series, you cheeky bastards throw this curveball at me — and it’s a doozy.

Is Cal Berkeley Delta Chi just filled to the rafters with the future magicians of America? Fuck what I said earlier about being the dwarf frat, this needs to be your thing. Imagine an entire house full of rabbits, doves, and brothers in top hats and capes. A pledge goes missing? Don’t worry, you’re just working on an act. It’s the perfect get-out-of-jail-free card. I’m sorry I doubted your relevance, Delta Chi. If there’s one thing that still plays in modern society, it’s magic.

Founded: In 1890

By 11 angry men. Well 11 pre-law students. At a little place called Cornell. Ever hear of it?

Chapter meetings must have been a nightmare. If there’s someone that thinks they know it all, it’s a pre-law student. Jamming 11 of these assholes (some who were already in other fraternities) into one room and forcing them to agree on trivial bullshit like the fraternity flower and slogan has to be one of the biggest accomplishments to date.

Famous Delta Chis that suck:

Remember good ol’ Larry Craig? You know, the longtime Idaho conservative senator with an extensive list of anti-gay legislation who was popped in an airport bathroom trying to solicit a male prostitute. Yeah, he’s a Delta Chi. Does the name George Wallace ring any bells? Maybe the platform of “segregation now, segregation forever” on which he ran for U.S. president is more familiar to you. Georgey rocked the red and buff during his college days as well. Yet, some (not me) might find your most polarizing alumni to be Ashton Kutcher. People just really hate trucker hats.

Reason you might not suck:

Kevin Costner, Jack del Rio’s big balls, and the Jimmy V Foundation.

From the horse’s mouth:

Brother Bill

I would have joined elsewhere but they got me drunk at a rush party and I signed bids. Along with every kid who has joined my fraternity ever.

Brother Dave

We have to be the most goober fraternity nationally.

Brother Nick

I like to think we were towards the top at [school redacted], so naturally, we were kicked off by nationals.

Want to be part of the next fraternity rush preview? Just email me at dan@totalfratmove.com and give me ample evidence of why your fraternity sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with other chapters, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next up: Zeta Beta Tau