Why Your Fraternity Sucks: Delta Tau Delta

Dan Regester10 years ago

Some people are brothers of Delta Tau Delta. But many, many more people are NOT brothers of Delta Tau Delta. This TFM rush preview is for those in the latter group.

Fraternity: Delta Tau Delta

I don’t think there’s a single bigger wet blanket of a fraternity than Delt.

Are you not already exhausted from hearing about “The Road Program?” Is this their big selling point? Imagine an 18-year-old, fresh out of high school, going over to the Delt house for rush. He gets acquainted with a few brothers, enjoys a nice refreshment, and — BAM — next thing he knows, some squid hits him over the head with the “exciting things to learn” like balancing a check book, putting together a résumé, and correctly tying a tie. He looks around, does a double take, and, in fact, confirms that he is indeed in a fraternity house and not the university’s career services office. Seeing as he’s undeclared, or not exactly set on that general business major his parents pushed on him, he slips out the backdoor, never to be heard from again.

Hey Delt, crack open a beer and talk about — I don’t know — something that will actually happen throughout the kid’s college experience for a few minutes other than a fucking fire drill. Not that household safety or an individual’s future isn’t important, but maybe stop being social lepers, ease into the career counseling later on, and solid potentials might just stick around with all of those perennial prudes that show up to recruitment in suits.

Size:

130 Chapters who can make that Anti-Hazing Hotline (1-888-NOT-HAZE) bling, as they are a founding partner of the snitch center.

Founded:

At Bethany College in 1858, as a coup d’etat to take back over a “corrupt” literary club called the Neotrophian Society. The eight men that would eventually form Delta Tau Delta believed a prize had been awarded after a rigged vote due to collusion of another organization within. Haiku and sonnet writing is a dirty game like that. It’s like jail: you just won’t survive going in alone.

The original goal was to wrestle away power from “Big Literary” and give control back to the student population at large. You got to fight, for your right, to poetry. Am I right, guys? Guys? Moving on.

I guess they either tried and failed or just gave up completely before doing their own thing with Delt, because there’s no real mention of the Neotrophian Society again.

The Civil War hit the fraternity, like the rest of the country, hard. The Alpha chapter bounced around from university to university like a journeyman middle reliever with a career ERA of 5 and change before finally settling in and making a home at Allegheny College. To combat shriveling up and dying altogether, Delt joined forces with the Rainbow Fraternity, which, ironically, was an extremely southern group and not Liberace’s corn hole club.

Famous brother that sucks:

Will Ferrell. Love the man’s work. Talladega Nights, the original Anchorman, Step Brothers. The list goes on and on. There’s no denying that. But when you even bring up the idea of getting rid of fraternities as a whole, I can’t not mention you in this section. He essentially went to a restaurant, ate his entire meal, and then complained about how the food was cooked before asking for a refund. You made “Old School,” Will! Have a damn spine.

Why you might not suck:

Blessed be brother McConaughey and blessed be brother Elway.

From the horse’s mouth:

Brother Dan

Our house mom calls us boring.

Brother Sully

Our name has so many easy ways to degrade. Deep throat daddies, dicks touching ticks, dee to dee, the list goes on for days.

Brother John

Brother Anthony

On the last day of a divisional conference earlier this year, a handful of brothers wore Hawaiian shirts and Chubbies to a formal dinner in front of 300+ other brothers. Biggest bunch of tryhards I’ve ever seen.

Brother Chandler

Our central office WILL NOT let us have Slush Funds, Designated Drivers, or Kegs…………Like how are we suppose to rage face if we cant have a common source of booze or cash?

Brother Hunter

I’m a recent alumnus, but I still have access to the undergrad Facebook wall. These are pictures of emails from the wall we get on a regular basis from nationals. Yes, they actually sell these shirts.

Brother Wes

To promote brotherhood, one of our chapters removed the walls on the stalls in their bathroom as if it were the Army barracks from Full Metal Jacket. Nationals decided to honor them as one of the ten best chapters in the country.

Brother Chad

Definitive reason you suck:

Where my fraternity’s (FIJI) motto is “Not for college days alone,” Delt might as well change their’s to “Not for college days at all.”

Want to be part of the next fraternity rush preview? Just email me at dan@totalfratmove.com and give me ample evidence of why your fraternity sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with other chapters, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next up: Delta Kappa Epsilon

In case you missed the others:

Theta Chi

Sigma Nu

AEPi

Sig Ep

Beta Theta Pi

SAE

PIKE

Lambda Chi

Phi Delt

Kappa Sigma

Sigma Chi

KA

TKE

ATO

FIJI