Why Your Fraternity Sucks: Kappa Sigma

Dan Regester10 years ago

Some people are brothers of Kappa Sigma. But many, many more people are NOT brothers of Kappa Sigma. This TFM rush preview is for those in the latter group.

Fraternity:

“So on the tenth day of a cold December, God made a Kappa Sigma.”

Do I really need to say any more after watching that video? I didn’t think it was possible, but these assholes just turned a Paul Harvey speech into a third trimester coat hanger abortion and had some Hank Hill sounding motherfucker narrate the entire diabolical process.

A lot of your members taking the train or bus to campus, huh? But not before they stop at the soup kitchen to feed the homeless early in the morning. Can’t forget about tutoring little Jimmy in the afternoon and teaching the kid the difference between a consonant and a vowel. Eat dinner, study for your own academic pursuits, and finally go out in the evening…to participate in student government. Rinse, wash, repeat. What a day! What a week! What a fucking life! I don’t believe the term fraternity does you humanitarian, peacekeeping super heroes justice. We’re simply not worthy to be mentioned in the same breath as the perfectly hand-crafted by God creatures known as Kappa Sigmas.

Size:
320 chapters and colonies in North America. Kappa Sig’s official website claims they are the largest college social fraternity, and who am I to doubt these simple servants whose moral fiber singlehandedly holds communities together? Plus, I’m not finding any statistics to prove otherwise.

Symbols And Ritual:

The symbols that make up Kappa Sig’s badge are a star and crescent moon. Again, I said Kappa Sig and not your little sister’s girl scout troop that’s awarded pins for spending the night reading each other’s horoscopes at the local observatory. But even good ol’ Kappa Sig was self-aware enough to see how marshmallow soft this appears to be, so they added a skull and crossbones and swords atop the crescent. Still looks like something you’d see on a Care Bear’s stomach.

As for your ritual, it’s all over the damn internet. Granted, if you dig hard enough, you can stumble upon just about any fraternity’s secrets, but yours in particular are ridiculously easy to find. I could Google “Jimmy Buffett’s One Particular Harbour” and somehow get redirected to how your pledge initiation goes down. You’re essentially a non-secretive Greek organization like Delta Upsilon, but in a completely unintentional manner.

Founded:

Five dudes with an apparent hard-on for the Italian Renaissance started Kappa Sigma at the University of Virginia in 1869. They took the supposed traditions of an ancient order from the University of Bologna known as the “Kirjath Sepher” and applied it into their own organization. Nerd alert. When you really get down to brass tacks, these guys are glorified LARPers. William Grigsby McCormick, George Miles Arnold, John Covert Boyd, Edmund Law Rogers, Jr., and Frank Courtney Nicodemus became known as the “Five friends and brothers” because the creativity well apparently ran dry after all that 15th century, fantasy bullshit.

Initially, this pathetic chapter of misfits struggled, but were eventually able to turn it around and expand into the international community servitude that currently exist today thanks in large part to Stephen Alonzo Jackson’s huge swinging dick. I thought we were breaking color barriers here with such an awesome fucking name, but it turns out he’s just another lame-bearded white guy.

Notable Brothers:

“Honorary member” Jefferson Davis. Keep in mind, Kappa Sigma was founded post-Civil War. I’ll let that one simmer for a bit.

Jimmy Buffett, you’re cool. Robert Redford, other than not being able to get back the two and a half hours of my life spent watching “All Is Lost,” you’re cool, too. Ted Turner, go kick rocks. Lanny Wadkins, you’re cool. Jerry Jones? Jur-rah Jones was a Kappa Sig? I could honestly write an entire column on my hatred towards this skeevy, conniving, Viagra popping corpse and his beloved Dallas Cowboys, but we’ll save that for another time. Instead, here’s Jerry talking about some “glory hole.”

Why You Might Not Suck:
One of your brothers helped stop a terrorist attack on a train in France over the weekend.

Ranger WAS pretty awesome. I say was because he didn’t last long in the hands of you monsters. He was the Li’l Sebastian of Greek life. The wind beneath all of our wings. The beacon of light guiding our spiritual ships safely ashore. The fraternity mascot none of you deserved, but the one you so dearly needed. Goodnight, sweet prince.

From The Horse’s Mouth:

Brother Joe

Went to another chapter’s party once. Guy in boy scout uniform puked on a girl’s face which resulted in him getting kicked in the balls. I’d say that was easily the highlight of the lackluster night.

Brother Harry

We lost to our rivals in flag football and when we went to shake hands, this piece of shit gave me my own fraternity’s grip. I would have been angrier if it was the first or even fifth time this has happened to me, but it’s gotten to an almost weekly basis.

Brother Philip

Jimmy Buffett. Great music, unbearable fans known as “Parrotheads.” I apologize on our behalf for this cancer on society.

Definitive Reason You Suck

Want to be part of the next fraternity rush preview? Just email me at dan@totalfratmove.com and give me ample evidence of why your fraternity sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with other chapters, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next up: Phi Delta Theta

In case you missed the others:

Sigma Chi

KA

TKE

ATO

FIJI