Why Your Fraternity Sucks: Phi Gamma Delta (FIJI)

Dan Regester9 years ago

Drew Magary writes an annual column series titled “Why Your Team Sucks” on Deadspin. I decided to take that format and apply it to fraternities.

Some people are brothers of Phi Gamma Delta. But many, many more people are NOT brothers of Phi Gamma Delta. This TFM rush preview is for those in the latter group.

Fraternity: Phi Gamma Delta, more commonly known as FIJI. Why is it called FIJI, you might ask? Some dude who must have been diddled by his uncle as a child proposed the nickname during a convention in 1894 to “appeal to the imagination” and further repress the dark days of his past. Over a century later, and the only thing the brothers of this fraternity “imagine” are different variations of dropkick with which to pummel rushees who utter the words “I don’t get it.”

Founded: In 1848 by a group of guys that surely disappointed their fathers by going to some small, private, liberal arts school in Pennsylvania: Jefferson College. You know who else went to what is now Washington & Jefferson College? Roger Goodell. I see their standards of “excellence” have remained relatively intact.

Just look at this hodgepodge, island of misfit toys that would later be known as the “Immortal Six.” With the exception of John Templeton McCarty, who undoubtedly pulled, would you give any of these boners a bid nowadays? James Elliott Jr. can go kick rocks with all of those “love poems” he penned, and “immortal” might not be the best way to describe Crofts, who keeled over and dropped dead at the age of 23. Irony knows no bounds.

Famous Brothers: The most forgettable U.S. president of all-time, Calvin Coolidge, the least interesting late night host in the game, Seth Meyers, and greatest golfer to ever live, Jack Nicklaus. Even a squirrel with Downs finds a nut now and then.

Size: 142 chapters and 13 colonies in the United States and Canada. 167 years as an organization, and all you’ve managed to infiltrate is Canada? Calling yourself an “international fraternity” is a bit of a stretch.

Mascot: Gamma the snowy white owl. Fun fact: snowy white owls don’t have ears. That memo must have never been passed along to the original artist of the crest, or IHQ in general.

Flower: Purple Clematis…if you’re into that kind of stuff.

From the horse’s mouth.

Brother Fred:

We always say “not for college days alone.” But after you graduate, no one in college wants anything to do with you.

Brother Cayce:

I hate when a stranger sees me in a fraternity shirt and asks “How was the South Pacific?”

Brother Nick:

Yeah sure, Calvin Coolidge was a brother. But his biggest accomplishment to this day was being named one of the new “Racing Presidents” at Washington National games.

Brother Troy:

As a guy walking around rocking a few extra pounds, the color purple doesn’t do me any favors. During every intramural game, some kid will inevitably wander over to me and say, “I got Grimace over here.”

The definitive reason why your fraternity sucks: You let this clown into your fraternity.

Wanna be part of the next fraternity rush preview? It’s simple. Just email me at dan@totalfratmove.com and give me ample evidence of why your fraternity sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with other chapters, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next up: Alpha Tau Omega.