Why Your Fraternity Sucks: Phi Gamma Delta (FIJI)
Dan Regester9 years ago

Drew Magary writes an annual column series titled “Why Your Team Sucks” on Deadspin. I decided to take that format and apply it to fraternities.

Some people are brothers of Phi Gamma Delta. But many, many more people are NOT brothers of Phi Gamma Delta. This TFM rush preview is for those in the latter group.

Fraternity: Phi Gamma Delta, more commonly known as FIJI. Why is it called FIJI, you might ask? Some dude who must have been diddled by his uncle as a child proposed the nickname during a convention in 1894 to “appeal to the imagination” and further repress the dark days of his past. Over a century later, and the only thing the brothers of this fraternity “imagine” are different variations of dropkick with which to pummel rushees who utter the words “I don’t get it.”

Founded: In 1848 by a group of guys that surely disappointed their fathers by going to some small, private, liberal arts school in Pennsylvania: Jefferson College. You know who else went to what is now Washington & Jefferson College? Roger Goodell. I see their standards of “excellence” have remained relatively intact.

Just look at this hodgepodge, island of misfit toys that would later be known as the “Immortal Six.” With the exception of John Templeton McCarty, who undoubtedly pulled, would you give any of these boners a bid nowadays? James Elliott Jr. can go kick rocks with all of those “love poems” he penned, and “immortal” might not be the best way to describe Crofts, who keeled over and dropped dead at the age of 23. Irony knows no bounds.

Famous Brothers: The most forgettable U.S. president of all-time, Calvin Coolidge, the least interesting late night host in the game, Seth Meyers, and greatest golfer to ever live, Jack Nicklaus. Even a squirrel with Downs finds a nut now and then.

Size: 142 chapters and 13 colonies in the United States and Canada. 167 years as an organization, and all you’ve managed to infiltrate is Canada? Calling yourself an “international fraternity” is a bit of a stretch.

Mascot: Gamma the snowy white owl. Fun fact: snowy white owls don’t have ears. That memo must have never been passed along to the original artist of the crest, or IHQ in general.

Flower: Purple Clematis…if you’re into that kind of stuff.

From the horse’s mouth.

Brother Fred:

We always say “not for college days alone.” But after you graduate, no one in college wants anything to do with you.

Brother Cayce:

I hate when a stranger sees me in a fraternity shirt and asks “How was the South Pacific?”

Brother Nick:

Yeah sure, Calvin Coolidge was a brother. But his biggest accomplishment to this day was being named one of the new “Racing Presidents” at Washington National games.

Brother Troy:

As a guy walking around rocking a few extra pounds, the color purple doesn’t do me any favors. During every intramural game, some kid will inevitably wander over to me and say, “I got Grimace over here.”

The definitive reason why your fraternity sucks: You let this clown into your fraternity.

Wanna be part of the next fraternity rush preview? It’s simple. Just email me at dan@totalfratmove.com and give me ample evidence of why your fraternity sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with other chapters, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next up: Alpha Tau Omega.

USCFiji

(Not Brother Dan, who I didn’t know was a fellow Omega Phi from UCF).
Just for reference, for all you Greeks & non-Greeks, Greek letter Organizations commonly use Momo/dual syllable abbreviations of their full Greek letter names. This is a very common custom when we speak/write the proper names of people, e.g. Elizabeth may become Lisa, Liza, Liz, Beth, etc., and occurs in almost all language. Therefore, Phi Gamma Delta becomes Phi Gam, Sigma Phi Epsilon is Sig Ep, Delta Delta Delta is Tri-Delt, so on and so forth. Sigma Alpha Epsilon is SAE, but nobody’s perfect. Sorry, couldn’t resist a jab at the brothers-from-another-FATHER, but I won’t debase this post with pointless name calling because of the Civil War [Phi Alpha, SAE 😉 ]
So why does Phi Gam become FIJI? It’s principled upon three purposes. First, we Phi Gams hold our Greek letter symbols in the highest regard, we NEVER place those letters upon an object that may be casually destroyed or unbecoming to their importance.
Second, as a means for other Greek organizations an ability to physically write/print our name, without accidentally using all three symbols together, the alternative FIJI name was adopted. Why FIJI? Why not other names like Phi Gee, Phi “G”, or the most common and absolute favorite misspelling FIGI? The name FIJI was derived by using the Old Greek pronunciation of Phi, which was pronounced “Fee” or Phe. Think of how you pronounce the words Phoebe, Phoenix, or Phenomenal. (For my Chemistry brethren, I’ll throw in the word Phenol!). We aren’t named out of some homage to Captain Cook. Technically speaking, the Fijian archipelago was established as the British Crown Colony of Fiji in 1874, contemporaneously with the Fraternity’s first usage of the name FIJI.
Finally, the third purpose required signing a Non-Disclosure Agreement (NDA). I could tell you in person, but then I would have to kill you, or at least that’s the way I’ve seen it efficiently handled in the past.

Dr. Dennis R. Brown, MSc

Pergé

Dan also failed to include Apollo X & XVII Astronaut Gene Cernan, one of only three people to go to the Moon TWICE, and the 11th and FINAL man to walk on the moon (to date). Just sayin’.

9 years ago at 2:01 pm

Immortal_sixpack
How did Phil Knight go unappreciated?
9 years ago at 12:37 am
Dickweed
FIJI=Fuck I Joined It
9 years ago at 7:38 am
mr3way
Writing articles when you hardly know anything about the meaning of FIJI. TFM.
9 years ago at 8:46 am
1. Buster Cherry
  He was in Fiji….
  9 years ago at 9:14 am
Catsby900
Phi gam butt ram
9 years ago at 7:51 pm
Frat_Fratterson
There’s a midget in the picture.
9 years ago at 12:26 pm
LibertarianFrater
Everyone knows that Troy is butters.
9 years ago at 12:44 pm
USCFiji
(Not Brother Dan, who I didn’t know was a fellow Omega Phi from UCF).
Just for reference, for all you Greeks & non-Greeks, Greek letter Organizations commonly use Momo/dual syllable abbreviations of their full Greek letter names. This is a very common custom when we speak/write the proper names of people, e.g. Elizabeth may become Lisa, Liza, Liz, Beth, etc., and occurs in almost all language. Therefore, Phi Gamma Delta becomes Phi Gam, Sigma Phi Epsilon is Sig Ep, Delta Delta Delta is Tri-Delt, so on and so forth. Sigma Alpha Epsilon is SAE, but nobody’s perfect. Sorry, couldn’t resist a jab at the brothers-from-another-FATHER, but I won’t debase this post with pointless name calling because of the Civil War [Phi Alpha, SAE 😉 ]
So why does Phi Gam become FIJI? It’s principled upon three purposes. First, we Phi Gams hold our Greek letter symbols in the highest regard, we NEVER place those letters upon an object that may be casually destroyed or unbecoming to their importance.
Second, as a means for other Greek organizations an ability to physically write/print our name, without accidentally using all three symbols together, the alternative FIJI name was adopted. Why FIJI? Why not other names like Phi Gee, Phi “G”, or the most common and absolute favorite misspelling FIGI? The name FIJI was derived by using the Old Greek pronunciation of Phi, which was pronounced “Fee” or Phe. Think of how you pronounce the words Phoebe, Phoenix, or Phenomenal. (For my Chemistry brethren, I’ll throw in the word Phenol!). We aren’t named out of some homage to Captain Cook. Technically speaking, the Fijian archipelago was established as the British Crown Colony of Fiji in 1874, contemporaneously with the Fraternity’s first usage of the name FIJI.
Finally, the third purpose required signing a Non-Disclosure Agreement (NDA). I could tell you in person, but then I would have to kill you, or at least that’s the way I’ve seen it efficiently handled in the past.

Dr. Dennis R. Brown, MSc

Pergé

Dan also failed to include Apollo X & XVII Astronaut Gene Cernan, one of only three people to go to the Moon TWICE, and the 11th and FINAL man to walk on the moon (to date). Just sayin’.
9 years ago at 2:01 pm