Why Your Fraternity Sucks: Pi Kappa Phi

Dan Regester8 years ago

Since I’m still a little rusty in the content game from walking in off the streets just a week ago, what better way to get in my reps than to recycle a concept I shamelessly stole parodied to begin with?

Back by popular demand…

Some people are brothers of Pi Kappa Phi. But many, many more people are NOT brothers of Pi Kappa Phi. This TFM rush preview is for those in the latter group.

Fraternity: Pi Kappa Phi

The fraternity that has openly denounced our website and claimed us to be part of the modern day axis of evil along with North Korea and nature walks in California state parks. For the non-Pi Kapps at home, feel free to Google that last little bit at your own leisure.

Yes, like a jaded ex, Pi Kapp nationals continues to seemingly go out of their way to slander the good name of this respected and non-biased publication through petty, not-so-passive-aggressive emails warning members to steer clear of our “anti-fraternity propaganda.” Why not just question the size of our manhood and stamina in the bedroom while you’re at it, guys? Here I just thought we were having some good-natured fun, and meanwhile, you’re blacklisting us from bringing happiness and joy to all of your friends. Kind of fucked up, Pi Kapp.

They’re just jokes. Granted we often had to explain them to you simple folks, but really we want nothing but the very best for you rascals. That said, you might find the next few paragraphs a tad hurtful. I swear, it’s nothing personal. Just doing my job here.

I’ve now gone through this process with 17 other fraternities before punching your Greek letters into the same format, which might be way more disrespectful than anything said in this column itself.

The pickings are getting mighty slim, and since none of you Pi Kapp jack wagons are permitted to read or share this without fear of being exiled by Big Brother HQ, I’ll attempt to get the message (and only redeeming quality about you crazy kids) across to the rest of the country — that at least you’re not PIKE.

Size: 160 initiated chapters, 17 associate chapters across 43 states

The ninth largest membership in the country, but unquestionably number one in “Oh yeah, those guys” muttered by your peers on every college campus. You have the same color scheme, personality traits, and general indifference towards your brotherhood as that of the Indiana Pacers. Sure, you’re not really upsetting many people by merely existing, but no one’s ever excited that you’re in the picture.

Honestly, I’m not even 100 percent sure you’re an actual fraternity. You could very easily be one of those fictional frats full of extras whose sole purpose in a movie is to fill the background of the screen for “the big race” between the two rivals. For lack of a better mass appeal example of what I just described, you’re fucking Hufflepuff. I now hate you exponentially more for making me pull out that Harry Potter reference.

If there was a video game where you could build a fraternity, you’d be the default setting. The Tiburon Sharks of NCAA Football fame.

I mean just look at the damn website. Pi Kappa Phi: exceptional leaders, uncommon opportunities. Are you a Greek organization or one of those IT recruiter companies that has to convince both the outside world and yourself that you’re a desirable career option and not the island of failed airhead realtors? Perfect segue by your boy, as you’d be lucky to land such a safety job with your Pi Kapp connections.

By “uncommon opportunities,” they mean create your own path, become a YouTube sensation overnight, and eventually ditch the whole fraternity thing that was dragging you down to chase the bright lights of typecast acting in Hollywood. Much respect, Jimmy.

Founded: 1904

Pi Kapp was originally founded as Nu Phi, which the three founding fathers chose as shorthand for “non-fraternity.” Yeah, maybe don’t throw stones about being anti-Greek from that glass foundation of yours, Pi Kapp.

Just like every other student group during its time, an internal power struggle in a literary society birthed this clan of ragtag misfits. Extremely riveting stuff. These boners were tired of the fraternity ticket establishment having a stranglehold on book club, created an opposition party, planned to kidnap their adversaries, failed, and lost the elections that would have gave them the slightest social clout at the College of Charleston.

They ended up licking their wounds, rebranded, and have continued their storied history of irrelevance into today.

Famous Pi Kapps That Suck:

The guy that founded the roaring success that is Earth Day, a dude that lost The Bachelorette, and a pledge that reminded us all to “be kind to whales, for they may lead you to dolphins.”

Reasons You Might Not Suck:

The Ability Experience is actually an awesome cause for people with disabilities. Also Tommy Lasorda and Rich Eisen aren’t terrible alumni.

Definitive Reason You Suck:

Being mistaken as PIKE is considered an upgrade for your very forgettable organization..

Want to be part of the next fraternity rush preview? Just email me at dan@totalfratmove.com and give me ample evidence of why your fraternity sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with other chapters, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next up: Sigma Pi