Why Your Fraternity Sucks: Sigma Alpha Epsilon

Dan Regester9 years ago

Some people are brothers of Sigma Alpha Epsilon. But many, many more people are NOT brothers of Sigma Alpha Epsilon. This TFM rush preview is for those in the latter group.

Fraternity: Sigma Alpha Epsilon.

I thought we’d just get this over with at the jump. What better way to establish the comedic tone expected from this piece than with the gleefully emphatic, yet wildly inaccurate hate chants of overprivileged white youth?

What do you think was more heartbreaking for these saltines: their fraternity getting kicked off campus or the realization that there are indeed SAE brothers of African American decent? I mean just look at the shit eating grin on the kid who stands up towards the end. That’s a face of pure, unadulterated joy. No one’s been happier at any point of their life than homeboy was in this exact moment. Finding out that he had “brothas” in other chapters must have been devastating.

Something that doesn’t get enough attention from this video, however, is the athleticism displayed by the Oklahoma (now former) SAE members. If there’s one thing that gets girls wet, it’s blatant racism. We’re talking 20 or so puddles dripping off the seats minimum on a 54-seater. The guys keeping their balance as they hooted and hollered down the poon juice-flooded aisle is a feat that shouldn’t go unnoticed.

Moving on, it honestly doesn’t get much better from here.

You “True Gentlemen” have been responsible for the deaths of 10 individuals associated with your fine organization in the last decade, easily tops in the class. People are safer dressed as Uncle Sam in an ISIS hostage camp or saying “I’ll be right back” in every B movie horror film than under the roof of an SAE house. Seriously, are you guys offering up a sacrificial lamb each year to bring about a bountiful harvest and good fortune?

Many of your fallen members died during pledging, so to save face, nationals eliminated the process altogether. Classic P.R. 101: react and get in the good graces of the general public immediately, think of the repercussions of your actions later. I guess when even the sleazy, greedy, excess driven moral-less bastards at J.P. Morgan — the very same bank who was in bed with Bernie Madoff for 20 plus years — no longer want to be linked to your name and manage your charitable investment fund because of negative publicity, it’s a major wake up call.

Now, chapters are required to initiate new members within 96 hours of receiving their bids because it’s a fantastic idea to let some kid you potentially met four days ago into your fraternity.

“Congratulations and welcome to the brotherhood, Evan.”

“My name’s Ryan.”

“Shit. That’s right. My bad, man. Welcome to the brotherhood, Ryan.”

“Thanks…”

“So we’re all going out for a few brews. You’re more than welcome to join in.”

“I don’t drink.”

“Right on.”

“But y’all are more than welcome to come back to my place and shoot up, though. I’m talking smack that’ll make you melt through the floor.”

And this is honestly one of the more tame scenarios I could think of. Imagine all of the sociopathic serial killers, child molesters, and dudes who “aren’t really into sports” that could potentially slip through the cracks. That window to evaluate these potential brothers’ character is essentially nonexistent.

Size:

If SAE was a city, it would be Detroit: a once thriving success that people gravitated towards that has now become an aging, empty, crumbling shell of its once great self. About a hundred of their charters have closed their doors, and another hundred or so have been disciplined in some capacity since 2007. 219 active chapters and 20 colonies are still hanging on and every year they send representatives to a leadership cruise.

Imagine being stuck in the middle of the fucking ocean, with nowhere to run from the herds of parasitical goobers that infest your typical fraternity national convention. Now multiply that tenfold when all of those goons are tryhard fake southerners who’ve strangely picked up an accent after rushing, or trust fund jabronis who model their look after Richie Rich and claim their boat isn’t much smaller than the ship they’re currently on. I wouldn’t wish that diabolic hell on my worst enemy.

Founded:

Of all the existing social fraternities that still exist in the modern era, SAE is the only one to be founded in the Antebellum South at the University of Alabama — pre-Civil War in 1856 (Might explain a few things above better). When turmoil broke out, just about every brother of the 15 established chapters fought on behalf of the Confederates. Seventy-four members died during this trying time for our nation, including fraternity founder Noble Leslie Devotie.

So how did this guy of utter importance who created your ritual, your grip, and the name Sigma Alpha Epsilon go out? Was it heroically on the battle field? Did he lose a limb after getting hammercocked by mortar and slowly die of infection? Did the poor sap just starve to fucking death because supplies were low? Nope, even that would be a more dignifying death than what actually happened. The clumsy sack of shit stumbled while boarding a steamboat, hit his head, fell into the water, and drowned. That’s it. The state of Alabama actually considers him to be the first “casualty” of the war, so I guess it wasn’t completely in vain. That’s a nice little fun fact you can throw at potentials. And if you didn’t enjoy reading this week’s “Why Your Fraternity Sucks,” at least you learned something.

Miscellaneous:

In 1988, the founding chapter at the University of Alabama went full Pablo Escobar with the cocaine-trafficking game.

In 1991, the University of Houston’s SAE president bit off the finger of a female guest at a party.

Famous Brothers That Suck

Scott Boras. The bane to every baseball fan’s existence. Scott pollutes the minds of his clients to become self-absorbed “winning doesn’t matter as long as I get paid” jackasses that become thorns in the sides of their team. Take Matt Harvey, for example. The Mets are in the midst of a playoff run, but because Scott Boras has placed a maximum of 180 innings on Harvey to preserve his arm, he more than likely will not be available to his team come October. He’s also responsible for those awful, backend-loaded deals that have you paying past-their-prime sluggers $25 mil a year.

William McKinley. Sure, there was rapid economic growth under his presidency, and he helped persuade Spain to give Cuba their independence, but this guy barely made it into his second term before getting ousted out of office. Alright, so he was “assassinated,” not impeached. Tomato, Tamato. It doesn’t matter how you put it, the dude didn’t serve the full eight years for which he was elected. Way to let everyone down, Billy.

Why You Might Not Suck:

Ryen Russillo, T. Boone Pickens, “Pistol Pete” Maravich, Bobby Jones.

From The Horse’s Mouth:

Brother Joe

Once you look past the tradition and reputable purple and gold, this fraternity is in absolute chaos. When the news talks about a fraternity doing some stupid shit, I always have to cross my fingers and pray that we didn’t drop the straw that broke nationals’ back. I always brace myself and expect it to be the death blow that ends the organization as a whole. SAE relies so much on our past status as the premier fraternity because over half our current chapters are closed, waiting to be recolonized, or in the process of rebuilding back to even the lowest levels of social importance.

Brother Jared

In all, SAE was great except for when it came to when Nationals removed the pledge process. I know every brother I was in charge of ritual, so I got pissed when I had to create an initiation ceremony out of nowhere within a 3 day period. Mind you, we had no house so we did it in an auditorium which was then disrupted by one of the Residence Life staff who’s name is going to remain anonymous because she is just the worst. It also fascinated me how much Nationals completely disregarded the Pledge Ceremony, the only open ritual in any Greek life organization that I know of. It was one of our big events at SLU and they completely disregarded it. They said we should have a “Pledge Banquet” and I promptly let our regional adviser know that we were not a fucking sorority.

Brother Brandon

They let Asians in that suck at math. And one guy showed up at a rush event in gym shorts and a hot topic t shirt. That person was me.

Definitive Reason You Suck:

You single handedly have given those with an anti-Greek life agenda more ammunition than just about every fraternity combined. You’re the fat kid who would always put his legs down during the six inches drill during middle school football practice adding more time onto the exercise. Stop fucking it up for the rest of us..

Want to be part of the next fraternity rush preview? Just email me at dan@totalfratmove.com and give me ample evidence of why your fraternity sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with other chapters, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next up: Beta Theta Pi

In case you missed the others:

PIKE

Lambda Chi

Phi Delt

Kappa Sigma

Sigma Chi

KA

TKE

ATO

FIJI