Why Your Fraternity Sucks: Sigma Nu

Dan Regester10 years ago

Some people are brothers of Sigma Nu. But many, many more people are NOT brothers of Sigma Nu. This TFM rush preview is for those in the latter group.

Fraternity: Sigma Nu

A brotherhood built on powerful values of love, HONOR, and truth. An organization driven to excelling with HONOR. Founded in firm opposition to hazing and based on the principle of HONOR. To walk in the way of HONOR, hang those overplayed “Freshman daughter drop off” signs with HONOR, call the cops on yourself for dealing drugs because you’re a man of HONOR, and shout “Let’s rape some bitches” so long as it’s with HONOR, is the life, the way and the light of Sigma Nu. HONOR!

If there’s one thing Sigma Nu needs, it’s a fucking thesaurus. Are we sure this fraternity wasn’t started by a group of 1940s Japanese kamikaze pilots with Tourette’s? I get that it’s one of your organization’s major values, but you repeat “honor” over and over again like a guy screaming the safety word at a dominatrix desperately trying to be heard — despite the ball gag in his mouth — so she won’t obliterate his brown eye with a mechanically operated dildo.

You also pride yourself on your anti hazing culture, but simultaneously name every fraternity position based off military titles which is tad oxymoronic. “But bro, Commander and Lt. Commander sound badass.”

Size:

170 Chapters that have contributed millions of dollars for nationals to waste on a useless program like LEAD where you learn about “The Keeper of the Rock” a guy that literally just moved a limestone slab to headquarters and b.s. standard corporate team building exercises that no one wants to be apart of. But don’t take my word for it, listen to some of the brothers that emailed in this week.

LEAD is weird and honestly serves no real purpose other than something nationals can point to as good PR.

The LEAD program is supposed to have three different levels that help prepare you for the next stage in your academic and professional career. Literally no one actually adheres to it. I couldn’t tell you what you’re supposed to take for each level. All the chapters I’ve spoken to just straight up lie to nationals about what they did.

Most of it is bullshit. Common sense stuff about fire safety, how to work as a team, JERK OFF, etc.

Alright, so maybe I added a word or two in that last quote, but you get the idea. Money well spent, Sigma Nu.

Flag:

It’s like you gave a four-year-old whose mother smoke and drank on a daily basis during his pregnancy the most basic set of Crayola crayons and told him to draw the Gadsden flag.

Founded:

By three creampuffs that couldn’t handle a little bit of hazing and camaraderie building while apart of other groups at the Virginia Military Institute so they essentially took their ball, went home, and started a new organization. James Frank Hopkins, Greenfield Quarles, and James McIlvaine Riley came to agreement and the three musketeers named themselves the Legion of — you guessed it — Honor. Is there any question that these guys were the laughingstock of VMI?

Famous brothers that suck:

Adam Duritz. The mop headed front man of everyone’s least favorite ’90s alternative band that their aunt would awkwardly and uncomfortably dance to at family parties, the Counting Crows.

Jon Hamm. Hamm is actually awesome. What sucks is that you dingleberries refuse to acknowledge that Don Draper was a part of your organization down here in Austin. Just because he led a few pledges around with a hammer by their nutsacks and lit a kid on fire, he’s suddenly not a brother? So much for perpetuating lifelong friendships and commitment to the fraternity.

Joe Buck. I actually don’t hate Joey Buck as much as the general public. He’s not as terrible as everyone makes him out to be, but he certainly leaves much to be desired. If you took the polar opposite of Gus Johnson made him clinically depressed and put him on downers that would be Joe Buck. It almost sounds like it’s a burden for him to be calling the game. If it were to go into overtime or extras, he would most likely sigh. I mean just listen to our boy during the David Tyree catch.

Electric.

Why you might not suck:

Bob Barker, Paul Rudd, Harrison Ford, Bear Bryant, Al Michaels, Pat Riley, and Eli Manning. Yes, Eli. He’s a two time Super Bowl winning quarterback, Tom Brady’s Kryptonite, and the Manning brother born with an extra chromosome. He’s overcome so much.

From the horse’s mouth:

Brother Chad

On my bid day, one of our alumni pulled me into the brother room, grabbed me by the face, and said, “Save this fucking fraternity”. If that wasn’t a red flag to a guy who has been in the fraternity for less than 8 hours, I don’t know what is.

Brother Steve

This year during one of our rush events, we took a group of guys out to dinner and invited a large group of girls to come with. One of the brothers threw a huge hissy-fit over the girls coming as it was “highly offensive and objectifying to women as ‘objects’ to get guys to join”. He threatened to drop the fraternity, report us to nationals, and report the ‘sluts’ that came to dinner to the Panhellenic board at our school. That same guy is running for fraternity president this year.

Brother Snow

As a former Commander (yes President is actually fucking called Commander), I have witnessed many moments as to why my fraternity sucks. Firstly, they actually were founded by three guys who were upset that ATO was hazing. Three pussies that couldn’t handle a little 19th century bonding. I also had the opportunity to meet many Commanders from around the nation during our yearly conference. I feel as if I knew 75% of those chodes in high school, I would have tossed them in trash cans.

Definitive reason you suck:

You’re essentially the mall cop of fraternities. Sure you might have a freshly pressed cop uniform, a shiny cop badge, and maybe even a cop like patrol car to scan the parking lot for shoplifters, but at the end of the day, no one is taking you seriously.

Want to be part of the next fraternity rush preview? Just email me at dan@totalfratmove.com and give me ample evidence of why your fraternity sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with other chapters, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next up: Theta Chi

In case you missed the others:

AEPi

Sig Ep

Beta Theta Pi

SAE

PIKE

Lambda Chi

Phi Delt

Kappa Sigma

Sigma Chi

KA

TKE

ATO

FIJI