Why Your Fraternity Sucks: Tau Kappa Epsilon

Dan Regester10 years ago

Some people are brothers of Tau Kappa Epsilon. But many, many more people are NOT brothers of Tau Kappa Epsilon. This TFM rush preview is for those in the latter group.

Fraternity: Tau Kappa Epsilon. This is beyond beating a dead horse. I’m essentially bringing a decomposing skeleton back to life, breaking each of the zombie donkey’s bones one by one with a sledgehammer as it wallows in pain, and defecating on its face as it gasps one last final breath…on an internal loop. Seriously, what more can I add to the conversation that hasn’t already been said?

“If you can’t go Greek…” Thanks, Johnny Two-Millionth Time. If TKE had a nickel for every instance that phrase was uttered, they might actually be a legitimate organization. Sadly, we’ll never know. Instead, we’re stuck with this brotherhood that’s the equivalent to the kid blowing snot bubbles in right field during little league who’s too busy picking dandelions and unsuccessfully catching butterflies to ever truly be in the game. His father is drinking himself into a coma on the bleachers, wondering if the best part of his offspring was left in the broken condom.

Size: 271 active chapters, but as an alumnus emailer pointed out, they target smaller schools with little to no Greek life already established. Manifest destiny…of insignificant liberal arts schools. I actually have to tip my cap to nationals here, accepting that their organization’s only chance at survival is to avoid any and all competition. That’s a type of self awareness that you just don’t see very often these days. Now they’re like Ebola, spreading in underdeveloped nations where treatment is hard to come by. Snake it ’til you make it.

Symbols: A skull, which perfectly describes your social life once you go TKE: dead. Also an equilateral triangle which is not only the most basic, boring geometric shape you could think of, but it also symbolizes the three corners of the bar brothers awkwardly stand in alone on their phones as they text their buddies about how much “ass” they’re pulling.

Founded: In 1899 at Illinois Wesleyan University by five dudes whose ideal Friday nights were spent coiled up by a fire, discussing literature and poetry before eventually finger popping each others’ assholes to the four-note motif of Beethoven’s 5th Symphony that faintly filled the room as each brother took a breather from the action and manned the Gramophone set aside the bum tickling circle. This league of extremely ordinary gentlemen graced themselves with the self appointed nickname “The Knights of Classic Lore.”

The ladies must have been soaking in their pantyhose and lining up out the door taking numbers like a damn deli counter at the sheer sight of this group of cock laying casanovas. Now you’re probably thinking, “Dan, this photo was clearly taken years after their college days.” But you have to remember, this was the start of the twentieth century, when people still aged like a week old turd soaking in a vat of milk left out in the blistering Sahara summer heat — or modern day Macaulay Culkin. I’m not saying this is what the 20-something-year-old Tekes looked like during their heyday, but then again, I can’t say with certainty that it isn’t.

This hodgepodge sack of dildos spent the better part of the aughts petitioning Phi Delta Theta and requesting membership into the already established fraternity. After getting turned down countless times, locking down a fraternity house of their own in Wilder Mansion, and adopting the Greek letters Tau Kappa Epsilon, these nerds finally decided to go off on their own and take TKE national. So the whole “If you can’t go Greek” cliché has some merit to it after all. The more you know.

Famous Brothers:
Surprisingly, TKE has managed to churn out more than just sidewalk sign twirlers for “We Buy Gold” stores. I simply can’t go on without mentioning the man who is essentially the face of both TFM and Rowdy Gentlemen, Ronald Reagan. Without him, I probably don’t have a job. Which reminds me, all you enraged Tekes should go buy a tank top with your fellow fraternity brother’s calming, stoic face printed on the front HERE. With every purchase, a nonviolent drug offender gets another ten years added to his prison sentence.

TKE has also been historically lax when it comes to claiming “honorary brothers.” Elvis, Steve Forbes, Danny Thomas, Aaron Rodgers, the list is seemingly endless. They offer honorary memberships with more frequency than a back alley Vietnamese massage parlor offers old fashion tugjobs to end a session. Play hard to get one time for me, TKE.

From The Horse’s Mouth

Brother Evan:

I met a kid from our Alpha chapter that I ended up avoiding the rest of the night because the thought that our founders’ vision had fallen so short made me sad.

Brother Jake:

As a brother of this sad excuse of a fraternity. I must say I’ve met some interesting characters. Tau Kappa Everyone is an understatement. We accepted a brother even though he looked and acted like the next Ted Bundy. Let’s not forget the 40-year-old virgin still living with his mother as a commuter. All just so we could become a chapter on campus and meet the requirements set by nationals.

Brother Trapstar Teke$wagg:

The Facebook group for the national chapter to communicate on is filled with posts from guys with shit like GettinMoneySwaggBoi as their middle name.

Brother Wayne:

Another chapter stopped through on the way to a leadership conference to say hi. Fair enough. They were a medium sized chapter from a pretty decent state school that most of us who were from (state redacted) used as a safety net when applying to college. When they finally made it to our house, their chapter president was wearing a custom embroidered TKE visor that read right-side up when the visor was upside down, and a custom TKE track jacket. It was January in the upper Midwest, aka parka and bomber hat weather. The rest were wannabe thuggy suburban white guys in LRG and shit like that. They were single-handedly the most socially awkward guys we ever hosted. Apparently there were like, a dozen girls, tops, at their school and they were overwhelmed by the abundance of state school co-eds running around half naked at the bars. They all got too drunk to talk and half of them ended up pissing themselves.

The Definitive Reason Why Your Fraternity Sucks:

You never seem to be able to get out of your own way.

There are no constraints on the human mind, no walls around the human spirit, no barriers to our progress except those we ourselves erect. – Ronald Reagan.

Want to be part of the next fraternity rush preview? Just email me at dan@totalfratmove.com and give me ample evidence of why your fraternity sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with other chapters, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next up: Kappa Alpha Order

In case you missed last week’s:

Alpha Tau Omega